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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
onlypassing · 07/11/2013 10:41

Well, I hope you don't let him have sex one last time.. for old times' sake or something.... he just doesn't damned well deserve that!
(Definitely not my business but just saying it anyway!)

Lweji · 07/11/2013 11:08

I didn't exactly mean that you wouldn't do it, just pointing out the flaw in the reasoning why you felt so unhappy about your decision.

But, being unhappy about dumping someone is half way to not be able to or to go back to that person. It's not uncommon for people to dump and then go back (assuming he isn't that happy about the break up).

Essentially, just trying to help you make sure and feel happy about your decision.

Lweji · 07/11/2013 11:10

I think she will know.
He may have told her it's nothing serious. Hmm

And it's not likely that he is exactly coming on to her ATM, just insinuating himself into her life again, for now.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 11:26

Ugh that just gives me a mental image of the two of them laughing at me behind my back while I cry my eyes out when this is all done Sad

Right now I'm just thinking about getting this over and done with. I'll deal with my feels after it's done.

And NO, I'm definitely not planning to have sex with him haha

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 11:40

oh and people were asking about his relationship history and it got me thinking. I do know he's obviously had relationships. I know that he had a very long term relationship (several years) with a woman from his country. I'm not very sure about what happened because he didn't go into detail about it (obviously..). I mean I didn't really give him all these details about my immature ex. He just said that it ended up not working out.

BUT this is the interesting thing. I think he was actually with that woman when he first met OW. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I don't think they broke up until years later, so I'm sure it wasn't caused by OW....but still, I'm not sure what this means..

I know I know, it doesn't matter.....but I'm still dead curious!

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/11/2013 11:40

No, they won't laugh at you.
She might not even fancy him at all.

And why should you worry about what he'll do afterwards? (I know you will and it's natural, but keep asking yourself that question)

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 11:55

BTW...I only brought up this stuff about his ex because people were asking about his relationship history. I suppose that I thought if he could commit to a relationship with that other woman for so long, there wouldn't be an issue about us staying together. I don't know how or why they really ended it, but I know they're still on good terms, even talk sometimes. So it couldn't have ended that terribly.

But then as I was thinking about that, I realised how he must have still been with her when he met ow.

OP posts:
onlypassing · 07/11/2013 13:09

If I've understood you correctly it sounds like he sort of hangs onto every woman he's fancied or had sex with, a little bit like old' trophies', still staying 'friends' and all that, have occasional chats, getting up to date with their lives, even years afterwards....
Kind of flattering for him to know he's still in touch with all his 'old' flames, 'his women', and at liberty to contact them again should he wish to do so.

What if he insists he'd like to stay friends with you as well, even though it's over, so to speak? I wonder what you'll do then? A clean break with no further contact? Or can he add you to his list of ladies he's still friends with long afterwards if he wants to?

Just second guessing his behaviour here from what you've said to even suggest he might want that, but maybe not.
Personally, I think you should eradicate him from your life completely! Not good for you to remain in touch, in my opinion.
Just a thought in case you're taken by surprise. I might well be wrong though.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 13:19

Umm I don't think he'll want to stay friends. From what I know that one ex is the only one he's really maintained a friendship with. Although I always thought it was nice because they were together a long time and I didn't feel worried that there was anything between them. I just assumed that they had a long history. To be honest, I sometimes still talk to my ex as well. It's unavoidable when you spend years with someone. You end up having all the same friends and interests and it's hard to completely shut each other out.

I think that with our relationship it won't be as hard. I know all his friends but I don't think they would socialize with me without him. They are all in their 40s, mostly married, the only thing that connects me to them is him.

OP posts:
toffeesponge · 07/11/2013 14:07

It really is shit when you want someone who doesn't want you. I definitely wanted more from one ex than he could give me at the time and even now, too many years later, he takes up too much of my thoughts. He is my if only guy. Hence why I took someone back for a second chance as I really did not want another one Hmm.

If you want to end things you can just say it isn't giving you what you want anymore. When I ended it with the second chance guy I can't even remember what I said but he left, tearful, I shut the door and got on with my life. He rang a few times and sent post but did get the message it was over eventually.

Obsessing over him and the "OW" is not good for you at all and will not help you heal but you do need to finish it properly so you don't spend time after wishing you had done it differently.

Good luck.

HogFucker · 07/11/2013 14:23

OP - he doesn't value you, because you don't value you (because your parents don't value you). Seriously.

Get some counselling and work your way out of this.

HogFucker · 07/11/2013 14:28

Also, he's not been honest with you, so I'd not even mention it is because of the other woman.

Would it be very mean to tell him that you are finding that he has aged in the last year, or that he's not really doing it for you these days?

wakemeupnow · 07/11/2013 14:28

Be prepared for the fact that your rejection of him might make him want to win you back so he can feel in control, especially if he hasn't actually managed to get into OW knickers yet. Be prepared to stay strong in your resolve even if he tries to convince you that everything is ok and it's all in your head.

wakemeupnow · 07/11/2013 14:42

Would it be very mean to tell him that you are finding that he has aged in the last year, or that he's not really doing it for you these days ? Grin

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 15:46

Ahahahha brilliant suggestion! Grin
I should also point out his hair loss, he's getting sensitive about that haha

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 17:10

I'm getting ready for tomorrow!!! aaahh

I sent him a message saying that I need to meet with him to talk. He asked if everything was okay, I just said that I'm fine but really need to speak with him. He suggested going over to his place but I said that I'd rather go to this coffee shop by my workplace and he agreed. I think he is getting the picture.

I'm going to stay with my friend for the weekend. Sadly, she can't pick me up right after I do it, I have to get to her place by myself....but I'm sure I'll manage to drag myself away from him when it's all done!

I feel more nervous than anything else at this point.

OP posts:
GilmoursPillow · 07/11/2013 18:53

If I've understood you correctly it sounds like he sort of hangs onto every woman he's fancied or had sex with, a little bit like old' trophies', still staying 'friends' and all that

Sounds like OP is dating Simon Cowell Confused

Good luck tomorrow OP, lots of people are wishing you well.

garlicbutter · 07/11/2013 18:54

Ah, well done, Artsy! You've prepared the ground and sorted out your 'aftercare'. GOOD LUCK! And have a blast with your friend :) x

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 19:03

Sounds like OP is dating Simon Cowell

HAHA that's exactly what I was thinking! Well, I'm not...nowhere near, although a yacht would be nice Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 19:03

And thanks for the well wishes!!!

OP posts:
toffeesponge · 07/11/2013 19:07

No need to be juvenile which what mentioning he is losing his hair would be. How would you like it if he said I don't want to see you anymore and by the way your breasts are droopy.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 19:09

toffeesponge I was just joking!!

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 07/11/2013 19:13

Good luck tomorrow.. Keep your chin up and get leathered (northern English saying for "getting very drunk") with your friends....

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/11/2013 19:26

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I know you can carry this off with grace and dignity.

onlypassing · 07/11/2013 19:34

Well, you're not the one who's been hiding things and not at all open with someone who loves you. But he has. You've got nothing to be nervous about! And he's only a man like any other, after all. You've done nothing. And you're meeting in a public place which is good.
He's the one who ought to be a bit nervous and apprehensive about meeting you considering how dishonest he's been with you. He's been keeping secrets and he'll be wondering how much you know. He's the one on the back foot. He's the one who should be feeling sheepish. Will he have the nerve to look at you straight in the eye, I wonder.

And why am I interested anyway?? God knows, although it is interesting somehow. Maybe my quiet reclusive life is just too dull and full of books, yet that's what I really do want, or think I want Hmm
I promised myself I'd stop reading this board for women weeks ago! I tell myself I'll just have a few seconds' glance and that's it... fatal!.... there's always some new eye-catching heading.... like DH's had sex with an alien... or something....
Once you've told us what happened on Friday, the final outcome of it all, then that'll be my signal to stop reading here once and for all and never ever go near Mumsnet again! It's ridiculous of me. I have lots and lots of things I want to do.