Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Look forward Artsy - I read the first few pages the other night. Who cares what you meant to him. He isn't good enough for you.

I am rather conservative in my approach to dating. It worked well for me and I would suggest you try it to see how it works for you. With my DH we dated for 3 months before we got physical. I made him wait a week before kissing me. I wasn't sure if he was good enough for me. In my mind he was good enough if he respected me and my decision to not go into things too quickly.

I dated a lot of men, sometimes one for lunch and another for evening. I never slept with any of them. If they asked on a first date they were toast. Sadly nearly all of them asked and the one who didn't got a second date. I didn't marry him though!

Be picky when it comes to dating. Nothing worse than falling in love with the wrong person.

Artsy, I've read this thread with interest and I really feel for you because it's so painful when you realize that your feelings for someone just aren't reciprocated in the same way.

For what it's worth, I think that the best relationships, those that are healthy and happy, are always just.....easy. There is no angst, gameplaying or worrying because you both just really want to be together, it's as simple as that.

When my DH and I got together it was the simplest thing imaginable, it wasn't a thunderbolt or anything like that it was just a feeling I had of being 'home' - and that has never gone away. Seventeen years later (twelve of them married) we are still deeply in love and happy together.

What I learnt from dating was that if you are needy and give off that needy vibe that low self-esteem generates, you don't tend to attract emotionally healthy people. You really have to be in a good place yourself to meet the right person for you.

Just dump this bloke, he isn't meant for you regardless of whether he fancies this other woman or not. You have everything going for you, you really do, and he isn't worthy of your time. Try to make yourself happy and, in time, you'll start to attract other happy, sorted, people who'll enhance your life and actually help YOU rather than you always being their helpmeet, emotional counsellor and general dogsbody. You deserve better than what you have, please try and believe this.

I'm really scared, I know it sounds ridic but everyone keeps saying that I'll find someone better and be happy. But what if it doesn't happen? I mean look at how many people end up in miserable relationships. What if the next one uses me too...and the one after that...

Salonmeblowy: Oh FFS! This is exactly the sort of thinking that got the OP in such a state in the first place. It is neither necessary, compulsory nor in any way 'hardwired' into human beings to engage in monogamous relationships. It is not a fault or a failure to refuse to do so. Monogamous relationships are just something some people like to do. Lots of human beings are interested in football and express passionate devotion to one football team over the others. Imagine trying to argue that a person with no interest in football is 'flawed' or immature or malevolent...

SGB, I never argued it is a flaw to refuse to engage in monogamous relationships.

Each to their own, IMO monogamy is overrated and marriage is a shit deal for women. Nonetheless, OP seems to want that, as do many other people. All I was trying to do is point out that the man, who the OP thinks is god's gift to mankind, is in fact a bit of an emotionally immature twat.

Because what is immature and malevolent in a relationship is failing to point out one's lack of interest in monogamy to someone who is very much interested in it.

Except that this man has repeatedly told the OP that he is not interested in commitment and made her no promises. She is the one who built up this Great Love Story out of fuck all.

I disagree, she was clear in her intentions for the relationship to move to the next level (moving in etc.) and he was happy for the relationship to continue. It is not the OP's fault he was dishonest and lying by failing to mention that: a. he was into someone else b. he did not want to commit to her.

Artsy, don't be scared. You are still hurt, this is still raw. Things will start looking up as soon as you dump him. Do swap the uncertainty of perhaps dating a tosser in the future for the certainty of not dating a tosser right now. It makes sense.

Except that this man has repeatedly told the OP that he is not interested in commitment

Did she tell you that in a PM? Because she hasn't said any such thing on the thread. She said he's never been married though she thinks that's more chance than choice, and she was hoping for a commitment from him. There's not a word about his telling her he wasn't interested in one, that I can recall?

I don't think this bloke owes anyone commitment. I do think he owes a gf of over a year honesty, if he's shagging her and emotionally committing elsewhere while lying to her over that fact when directly asked. That's shoddy.

What if the next one uses me too...and the one after that...

See, you are saying this one is using you. So, why stay if he is using you?

If the next one uses you, at worst you tried and didn't let yourself be used.
Hopefully, next time you will drop him earlier and won't feel so used.

Leeji she isn't staying. She's dumping him

SGB she didn't invent her feelings out of fuck all. They were as a result of a year long relationship which she believed to be happy.

Artsy end the relationship with this man, he's eroded your sense of self and is continuing to do so the longer you hold out for a scrap of a chance that he'll wake up and be the Prince charming you want him to be.

He can't be that person. He's not a good prospect, for whatever reason he's flawed and will remain so.

His view of women is skewed, why? Doesn't matter, it's not your business, nor your job to fix it. He won't change. HE doesn't have to.

By taking your life back, by sitting with yourself, by looking at your choices, and the reasons behind them, by being kind to yourself, by allowing yourself the grief that is natural, regroup, rebuild and value yourself, and you WON'T allow men in the future to use you.

Focus on what actions men actually take, and don't embellish them with what you're mind's eye wishes they were doing.

You're young, learning this lesson at this time in your life is normal, good going even.

Sadly I was a LOT older than you when I learnt it.

My last relationship lasted a year. I ended it after out 'anniversary dinner'

Why? Because out of nowhere, he mentioned that he didn't see a future, he was in the relationship because it was easy/suited him.

Ouch. Took me a week or so to come to terms with what I knew I had to do, but I ended it.

Man it hurt, but I can't have someone in my life that's not all that into me. I can't show my DS that kind of set up as normal. I knew that i'd lose myself, bit by bit if I didn't act.

I now think that he was a coward, not wanting to be the bad guy and making ME be the one that pulls the plug. I'd not be surprised if he didn't go around telling people I ended it and bathed in the Sympathy. There was form for that.

I had to end that relationship as it was the first proper one since my abusive ex, and i've had my share of people not that invested in my happiness in my life, I can't have any more.

I had the kind of thinking you have now when I was in my late 20's, I fell into the abusive relationship when I was 32. I lost a decade, and my entire life, including my family as a result.

Learn the lesson to value yourself now, and you can have the life you always dreamed of.

bit, she says she is... Not the same. :) )have you been around here long?)
Yet, her mind is still running a bit in circles.

Just cut through it. You'll find yourself liberated.

She has stated repeatedly that she will do it. She seems a pretty determined and intelligent woman so let's trust her eh? And I think it's perfectly natural that she'll be churning through it all in the days leading up to and following. I don't think she'd be human if she didn't

And, not that it makes the slightest bit of difference, yes I've been on MN for several years and posted on this thread consistently all week. HTH

I do wish the fact that he is 40 and still single would not be made into such a big deal.

My brother is older than that, single, never lived with anyone, and would be seen on paper ( and MN!) as having a huge red flag. But the reason he's single is he hasn't met the right person. Couple that with feeling bruised and hurt when some relationships ended, and therefore taking time out from dating altogether for a while, not working in a profession where he meets many women, getting fed up with internet dating and so on, that's why he is still single. I agree his is now quite set in his ways - as does he- and may find it harder to live with anyone if it came to that- but he's quite glad in some ways that he's not twice divorced like some of his friends his age. So I'm just putting the other side that being single at 40, if you are a man, with no biological clock ticking is not such a bad thing as is being made out here. Especially when 40% of marriages end in divorce and supposedly 70% of couples admit they have 'settled' for someone who is not their ideal mate.

Seriously can we stop dissecting what the op has and hasn't said. If in doubt just ask her. It's relatively simple.

-Ops loves him and wants commitment
-He isn't interested in commitment and is quit happy for things to carry on as the are until he finds what he thinks is a better prospect (ow).
-op says she is ditching him tomorrow. We all know how hard that will be for her.

Whether or not he has issues is irrelevant.

Artsy this is your life. It's down to you how you choose to live it. Whether you end it or not is your choice. But if you stay just remember that how he treats you now is how he will continue to treat you. Break ups hurt life hell but do you want to hang on in there for another 6 months, 2 years etc. only to end up hurt anyway? The one thing that's clear is commitment with you is not in his future plans.

wow a lot of activity since I last logged in!

I really will do it, tomorrow, in the evening. I understand why I have to do it, but I still can't feel happy about it. It's been a crazy, emotional week. I go through different feelings and now I'm really nervous/sad about tomorrow. I just have to stay strong for one more day so I can face him and do it.

FWIW I don't think there is something wrong with a man or woman that doesn't get married by 40, 50, or whatever age. It just doesn't happen for some people and others don't want to commit, I'm fine with that. I don't think there is anything wrong with my bf either to be completely honest. He isn't as cold and horrible and he probably came across here.

He never promised that we'd commit but he never turned it down either. He never explicity said that he doesn't want to live with me. He just gave me one of those "we'll see" responses and avoided it. I got that he was avoiding it, but I figured there was time to work on it and that he would come around.

Morning Artsy, I am wishing you calm and peace to do what you want to do laterx

you'll be fine tomorrow.

But in the future don't rush to ask for commitment- it's so much better if it comes from them, or is a mutual decision rather than you having to ask and being rejected.

Artsy - maybe or maybe not IF YOU WANT TO.

come back here to tell us dating stories and we'll put you right - head you off idiots - US speak "jerks".

it's good you're getting more self aware and finding stuff about your own personality now rather than later, I wish I'd done this when I was your age.

Thank you for the sweet words!! I'll keep you guys updated..

ugh, so the other night I got an email from OW. Not directly to me, she responded to the party invitation (i guess she clicked reply to all) to say she was coming, asked if they need any help preparing etc...

It's hard to take my mind off this when she's in my inbox now as well. I can't wait for this to be over!!

Dekete it and put her on your blocked senders list. I speak from experience. It only takes one weak moment when you're feeling raw!

One more day and you'll be throughtheother side and on the up!

Is it a US thing to send emails to everyone on the list? I'd never do that- the invites would go our blind copy and if I replied like she's done I'd send to the host(ess) not everyone on the email list.
Any chance she knows the score with you and this guy and it was her way of saying she's going along?

Hmmmm I don't think so. A bunch of other people replied to everyone, they all know each other pretty well I think.

Although, I do feel that she has to know he has someone in his life. I mean, she seems to know a lot of his close friends and I know them too. So someone must have mentioned something. Unless they're all in this big plot to keep it a secret from her, but I don't believe that. Who knows what he has told her anyway...