Artsy, I have been lurking on this thread quite a bit and, unsurprisingly, agree with the general consensus – dump him as soon as possible with minimum drama. I've name-changed as well to avoid outing myself.
I think your self-esteem definitely needs some work, but you already had some advice with regards to that. What is also interesting is that just as you undervalue yourself, you overvalue him. The impression I get from your posts is that you think he is pretty close to perfect, but sadly his lack of commitment to you/infatuation with the OW means that you have to part ways. From what you have said on this thread, it really does not seem so. While I procrastinate on an important work project, let me paint you a picture of him I got from reading your thread. It will be long; I am verbose and enjoy armchair psychology very much. You’ve been warned.
You wrote before that you do not believe he has commitment issues, but the man is 40 and never lived with anyone. Like others have said, that is a huge red beacon. He may be good at maintaining relationship at a casual level, but he clearly has an issue with real intimacy. Living in different countries makes little difference to that, there are few obstacles for people who want real intimacy – he just, for whatever reason, does not. It is not you, it is him.
Which brings us neatly to the OW issue. I think he is incredibly childish and lacking in emotional insight – he clearly liked this woman while she was attached and unavailable, now she is unattached but still emotionally unavailable and that is what makes him go weak at the knees. In his head, he probably thinks he wants a relationship with her, but I am rather certain it will not happen. She may not want him (I strongly suspects she does not – the fridge episode is enough to freak anyone out), but even if she declares she wants his babies tomorrow, I suspect he would bolt. Pursuing unattainable women is his way of convincing himself he wants intimacy while maintaining emotional sterility. You say he is set in his ways? Yet another obstacle to building successful bonds with others – as much as one does not want to be a pushover, a degree of compromise is necessary in growing closer to someone. Now, he should be grown up enough at his age to realise that a. he is being incredibly unfair to you b. his feelings for her are largely underpinned by her unavailability. The reason why he is not self-aware enough is because just as he acts quite detached from you, the relationship with his own feelings and emotions seems to be that of detachment and denial as well. He barely lives in his own home, for goodness sake. It is not you, it is him.
What is also concerning is that you report that he is happy when you comply with his demands/plans, but when you challenge him, he either freezes you out or patronises you. Again, working through conflicts is a way of building closeness. The fact that he disengages from you the minute you cease to fit into his plans is at best a childish strategy to avoid developing intimacy, or a controlling mechanism at worst. Perhaps it is both. Either way, it is not you, it is him.
As for your admiring his intellectual prowess is concerned, I can understand that because I am often a little awed by people’s capabilities, particularly if they are different from mine. However, academics are not a special breed. Yes, you need to be lucky enough to have some baseline intellect and then be well supported at school (ex-communist countries can be brilliant at that), but otherwise it is just a career like any other. I am not trying to be anti-intellectual in any way - I am finishing my own PhD and know a lot of academics, who, although very bright and incredibly well trained in their discipline (you basically never leave education if you go down that path), do not escape problems. It is also a career route which attracts big egos, often with fragile underpinnings, which makes them particularly vulnerable to addictions, divorces, petty rivalries, you name it. Besides, narrow specialism means that your view of the world can be a little limited. I was a little embarrassed for him when you wrote that he showed you aspects of his work he knew you would not understand, because it shows he wanted to impress you by proving he can do something you cannot. Big whoop, it is his job. I am quite certain he is not so hot as a graphic designer. I would not show my work to anyone who would be unlikely to understand it because I think it smacks of wanting to brag about your intellectual superiority, when, in fact, it is much more to do with extensive training which takes decades and narrow specialisms. In fact, a lot of open-minded academics are focused on making their research as accessible as possible to people outside of their discipline, but I guess in order to want to do that, you need to let go of your ego-inflating agenda. Many things escaped your bf, it seems, including an ability to use a stove. It is not you, it is him.
Another aspect I wanted to mention was that he seems to have consciously painted a specific picture of himself in you mind, someone whose family overcame adversity and who made an incredibly successful career out of humble beginnings. This is all very well and good, but I am sure there are other aspects of his life he has not covered extensively because it does not paint him in good light. Do you know anything of his struggles that he has not overcome? Have you heard much about the other women he hurt along the way? It is not you, it is him.
All in all, I am sure he has a lot of things going for him, but no matter how superficially charming he appears now, you would grow very tired of someone who, despite living on his own and never cooking, needs a cleaner to come in twice a week to pick up his dirty socks. I have nothing against outsourcing domestic labour (and love my own cleaners to bits), but I really dislike the attitude that, because he is bright and has a penis, he is beneath popping his own coffee cups into his stylish dishwasher and learning to feed himself. If you ever had the misfortune of having children with such a man, that sort of attitude would drive you insane rather quickly, unless you enjoy domestic servitude and/or employing help. It is not you, it is him.
As a last point, on the comparison between your first bf and this one, the fact that the first time round you escaped Level 4 fucker does not mean that Level 2 is acceptable, to paraphrase an old MN adage. It is not you, it is them.
You, on the other hand, are compassionate, loving, kind, and very much in tune with your emotions. Let your self-esteem recover and, should you want to develop another relationship, you will find plenty of men worthy of your time and affection.
If you are still awake, then you are doing better than me.