Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

It takes approx 2 years for abusers to show their spots.

They are all super-boyfriend before that, way better than anyone else.

Until they get comfy.

this bloke is not good enough for you, or anyone else for that matter, but each passing day of you continuing to hang on his every reaction, to wonder what he's doing/saying/thinking is an insult to your intelligence.

You want impact? To be noticed, then DO something, for yourself and CUT him off!

He's not worth your time, and he's taking up the place of a GOOD man.

He's a waste of your ovaries, an oxygen thief and you couldn't help but do better (as long as you tackle the appallingly low level self esteem that all this has left you with)

Côme on love! When's this tiger going to ROAR? :)

He hasn't even got the balls to end it with you, he wants YOU to do it, as he can't be bothered.

What a dick!

I think the whole party thing got to me because it proved to me how much he is hiding things. I know I have all this evidence that he's been hiding his "relationship" with her for weeks, but now he's lied about it twice as well!

I've also been thinking that he may be avoiding calling me because of this. We talked about OW before he left and I think he wants to avoid it again. Although the last time we saw each other, we were fine...but still.

Now I'm certain he's not going to contact me for a few days because he doesn't want to talk about the party. I'm sure he knows why I was pushing him.

I don't know, it's just not right no matter how you look at it.

Yes, I'll DUMP his ass....but afterwards I'm going to be the one that's crying my eyes out. I wonder if he'll even care. Without me in the picture, what is he really missing?

He'll have all this extra free time to put into pursuing OW. For all I know, she might go for him and then he'll get what he really wants and be even happier.

He might miss having someone to "shag" (as you guys put it haha) but only until she does.

I've had such a crappy week because of him and he doesn't know. It's just unfair

I agree that there is a lot of over thinking on this thread about this whole situation. When we boil it down, we have a couple in at most a year long relationship. Artsy you clearly care/like him a lot more than he does you. This happens in relationships all the time. He has seen this as a bit of fun and has had no interest in committing. You on the other hand were dreaming of a white wedding and kids (the happily ever after).

The end for this relationship probably started way before the OW re-appeared. The end probably started when you brought up the "commitment" issue. Like you said he started cooling off a while ago. The OW may just be the trigger for him to move out of your life quicker than he would have anyway.

We need to stop over thinking this. Artsy you will either end it or you won't. Ultimately that is all down to you.

So - have you contacted him to say it's over yet?
Why say "I'll dump his ass" - just do it. Stop engaging, you're only making yourself feel worse.

Artsy heartbreak hurts like fuck. But you will get over it. Stop torturing yourself with what he is, will or won't be doing with or with her / you.

Artsy heartbreak hurts like fuck. But you will get over it.

Yep. Confirmed on both fronts. And the quicker you do it the quicker you'll be over him. Not just because you get a head start, but because this situation is eating away at your self respect, which will make recovery harder.

'He'll have all this extra free time to put into pursuing OW'.. and you'll have all that extra free time and head space to put into dealing with this, and being open to a new, more honest relationship! I was in a relationship with a 'player' once, and one the things that tortured me about ending it was 'what if he finds someone else that he does commit to? I realised that that wasn't important - the important thing was that he wasn't committing to me. Sound familiar?

Tuppence give her a break. He is away on business until Friday and she quite rightly wants to do it face to face.

Come on girls. She's listened to us. She's going to follow our advice. But it damn well hurts. So cut the lectures and offer a bit of sympathy. I have no idea why she's getting such a hard time. She's struggling to come to terms with the end of relationship that clearly means a lot to her. Whether you think it should or not is irrelevant. Because it does to her.

Hope you're ok artsy. I think you'll feel better when you've done the deed and have some more certainty. Keep going. You're almost there

I was in a relationship with a 'player' once, and one the things that tortured me about ending it was 'what if he finds someone else that he does commit to

That's it exactly!! To make things worse, he has found someone else. I have this feeling that he might commit to her, or at least more than he did with me.

You're all completely right, it shouldn't matter, it doesn't matter...but it does!!

Thank you bitoutofpractice I'm doing okay, as well as I can. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I get up really early (4am) and go running, that's what I'm about to do now, it's really good for keeping your head in the right place haha

Of course you'll be worrying about stuff like that. It's only human. But try and either give yourself a little pep talk in the mirror or do something else absorbing when you start churning it all over

As for the running yes I 100% agree. It is a great thing to do in these situations. Totally clears my head and gives me a buzz. But 4am!?!?! Now even I think you're crazy!

I don't even think you can call her OW tbh, The contact you have had with him over the last week or so doesn't sound like a relationship to me at all anyway. when he does have free time he doesn't contact you or want to see you - I think its over already - sorry

Maybe focus on trying to achieve some new PBs and don't forget regular interval training! You'll be far fitter than he is, which means you're superior in at least one way.
Also, you know you'd never treat anyone in the low deceiving way he's treated you, so you're superior to him in that way as well.

That makes you both physically superior (younger and fitter), and morally superior to this man who you can now look down on in these respects; and that is true no matter how brilliant he is at mathematics or wherever his expertise lies.

I wouldn't do it face to face to be honest. Gives him opportunity to manipulate. I'd just ring him and tell him not to bother coming back when he gets home.

See, you are not dumping him to punish him. You are dumping him so that you can move on with your life. And possibly find a man who actually loves you and is good for you.

What he does with his life it's entirely up to him

And I actually doubt she'll take him, but it's not your problem.

Maybe start getting on the dating scene right now and to hell with him. :)

I've had such a crappy week because of him and he doesn't know. It's just unfair

Well, just send a text dumping him and that's the end of the angst for the week.
Then you can move on.

Now that the end is in sight, you need to work on learning from this and trying to be a little bit more circumspect about it all- hard I know.

Every time you find yourself thinking of him or especially the OW you need to change your thoughts. Zap the thought!

Might be a good idea to really think about what this experience can teach you. He's not a player really. I know it's hard to keep hearing this but the fact is he's just not that into you. The reason you have taken this badly is because you ignored all the signs early on- his lack of commitment and plenty of other things that would show he wasn't madly in love.

Instead of hearing and seeing these signs, you pressed on with your agenda, pursuing him with intent. By all accounts you did the same with the guy you 'mothered'. Maybe you need to learn that you can't force peoples feelings. And that it's stupid to waste your time and energy on men who aren't as keen on you as you are on them.

These are hard lessons but at 29 the penny should be starting to drop.

Just keep a watch on yourself. You need to plan to end it and walk away. If you are still secretly hoping that he will 'come to his senses' and choose you, then what is likely to happen is this:-

OP: It's over, I don't think we're working any more.
Him: Wow, that's a shock. Well, if you really think that, then I guess you're right.
OP: What, you're letting me go just like that? Don't you care?
Him: Well, like you said, if it's not working...
OP: But why is it not working? What's wrong with meeeee? Sob, sniff, waaaah!
Him: Oh here we go. There there, have a tissue.

And he goes off telling all and sundry what a crazy fruitloop you are, and you feel you lost all your dignity and gained nothing.

The better scenario:
OP: It's over, I dont' think we're working any more.
Him. Wow, that's a shock. Well, if you really think that, then I guess you're right.
OP: Great. I wish you all the best. Bye.

I think the worst anyone can really accuse this man of is cowardice. By the sound of it he has been ignoring the OP in the hope that she'll go away given that he never made her any promises or offered her any commitment rather than actually saying outright 'You're a nice girl but you're dumped.' A lot of people do this when they realised that the person they originally thought they were having a plesant casual fling with is actually a desperate Klingon who is pursuing them with major determination. It's partly due to not much liking confrontation, partly fear that someone who's already started making demands and pestering for attention will react really badly to being told to give it up and go away. He probably thinks she'll take a carving knife to his willy or something if he's blatant about binning her.

I do think dumping by text and going cold turkey is the best way forward. However, I do suspect that Artsy may be secretly hoping that he will fight for her or try to talk her out of it, f she does it face to face. I also suspect that if he shows even a little glimmer of "I don't want it to end" regardless of how sincere he is, Artsy may buckle and use t as an excuse to stay in this relationship. I really really hope I am wrong.

Sorry to talk about you in the third party Artsy. I was making a generic comment to the wider forums.

I think the reason we are all being a little harsh at times is that we've all been there!

I have. Even at 15 I had a BF come back from his hols and tell me he'd met another girl and was confused over what to do...so like a prize idiot I turned into his 'counsellor' and tried to help him work through his feelings ( for us both.)

I hoped that by being mature and understanding he'd choose me. Which he didn't of course. Decades later I saw him at a school reunion though we ignored each other but I was smugly pleased to find he was no longer my type at all.

There have been others and I see some of myself in you Artsy which is why I say don't be a prize prick and try to engage with this man when you end it. Don't plead, try to understand him, ask why why why or anything. And don't think for a minute that if he looks horrified and sad it's a chance for you two to start over. It isn't.

that's why I suggested coffee shop etc to meet up in.

I think Artsy knows in her heart of hearts that its over and he's no good. BUT it seems she wants to meet him (maybe ulterior motive) which I why I suggested friend before/after - friend to pick her up would be IDEAL imo as then Artsy can be coerced dragged into going elsewhere from this man.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him or her. OK he's been a tosser getting involved with OW and not being straight with Artsy but he hasn't committed the crime of the century and he probably wants to end it but is a chicken when it comes to it. I think a lot of men are like this especially when they think they're dealing with emotional women, they run like the wind to avoid the confrontation.

i think the worst anyone can accuse this man of is cowardice

Umm fair enough but there is something hugely bothering me here. I know that I initially said that things cooled sexually, but now I've realized that he hasn't cooled sexually at all, it's me who had because I've been hurt by his behavior change that I haven't been as into the physical things. He, however, completely has!

So I'm just mad because he is basically spending time with OW, doing things for her, taking care of the things she needs, but I don't think he's having sex with her. So at the end of the day he just comes to me when he wants sex. That's really hurtful to be treated tat way when you actually love someone. Our relationship wasn't like that before but recently that's what it has become. Even before he left for how trip, he didn't want to talk about OW or our relationship but he was more than happy to spend te night with me
And leave the bext day.

This is why I keep saying that I feel used