Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Hello OP. Hope you're oK.

FWIW I can completely understand your obsession with the OW. I was the same. I am not ashamed to say I found out EVERYTHING about her. Includingher passport number Don't beat yourself up about it but give yourself a littel talking to that it's not healthy and it has to stop OK?

Stick to your plan. See him Friday. Tell him it's over. Don't elaborate why. He doesn't need or deserve your explanation. Leave him guessing althuogh he'll know why

Then calmly walk out. Go round to your grirlfriend's house. Hand over your phone to her for safe keeping, get drunk, cry and rant and pass out on her sofa.

Then the next day go home and try to start living again and moving forward. I know you can. You sound like a very focused and determined woman.

Whatvere the bloody hell yu do, don't start playing any of the ridicukous elaborate games that only suggested. That way lies madness. It will not end well. Most probably for you.

Walk away with your head held high, and some wonderful memories.

THis is the advice I wish I could have given myself last year.

Sorry about the typos. Damn phone!!

My vile and abusive ex was shagging a Chinese girl, nice enough girl she was, but he would say that it'd never be serious, because she didn't look like him, and it wasn't 'right/proper.

Not sure this is all that relevant in every case. HissyUcker your ex sounds like a different level if arsehole. I am mixed race and my DH is white. There are plenty of mixed relationships out there. I would not exists if there weren't (mumps black and dad is white).

Artsy he basically doesn't want you at that party. He may not have made any plans with her but now he knows she is there he definitely doesn't want you anywhere near that party. His excuses with regards the party are yet another level of wankbuggery!! Anyway the party doesn't matter because you are ditching his arse on Friday anyway.. Aren't you?

My ex (who is not British. I am) had an affair well actually he was living with her while he worked away from a 3rd country with a very different culture from either mine or his. TBH I never considered that to be relevant at all apart from the potental it gave me to make up some very amusing nicknames for her

TBH I think an arsehole is an arsehole in any language

Bit off topic but why use these bloody strike-outs?
Just make the point instead of pretending with strike-outs that you aren't really saying it! I wish MNHQ would ditch the option because it makes it bloody hard to read whatever's posted anyway. Rant over :)

I don't really think that culture has anything to do with it. I brought it up because I thought that being from the same part of the world, they might have more in common. BUT, if that's what he was after he could go out with a woman from his own country (he knows plenty of them) instead of me or OW.

He may be an idiot, two timer, asshole...whatever, but racist? That's a bit too much. Maybe that's just my American political correctness kicking in haha

Bitoutofpractice thank you for understanding! That is exactly what I plan to do. Break it off as calmly as I possibly can, go over to my friend's place, give her my phone to hide, get very drunk and then hopefully move on with my life!

You could just go to the party on your own without telling him! And, if introduced, be very nice and friendly to the OW, mentioning in all innocence that your boyfriend, X, is unable to come tonight as he seems to be too busy just now.
Tell her lightheartedly that since you had nothing on tonight you thought you'd just go anyway for fun as you never like to miss a party!
In conversation you'd explain you've been with him for a year or so and what a nice, thoughtful and caring guy he is to have as a boyfriend. Tell her some of the places you've been with him and what you've done, etc. Then be sure to ask her about herself and her life, etc. This would finally satisfy your curiosity about her and what she's like and so on.

Then she'd maybe realise for the first time what a bastard he's being to you. But be careful not to drink too much....! Don't show your emotions. Stay calm and in control. And, I hardly need to tell you to say nothing about the fact that you already know who she is and her relationship with X.

I'm NOT suggesting that you do this as everyone else here will shoot me down in flames! So just a fantasy of mine.... but maybe I would do it just for the hell of it! if you can't stand in any longer just leave early. At least you'll get a free drink or two out of it.... and you might even meet a nice man while you're there...!

Artsy, I don't actually blame you for 'testing' him a bit. I think I would do the same! It's weird but I would do it to build up more amunition and more negativity towards him to make it even easier to tell him to go f**k himself x x

Not sure if that makes any sense.....

I don't blame you for your curiosity or for testing him, but please please don't go to the party!

Honestly I think the best thing you could do from your own mental health's perspective is disengage. This is not a contest you should have to fight, even if you stood a fair shot at winning. It's ridiculous that this man is putting you in this situation.

After a year of course you're hurting and confused and trying to make sense of it, but taking a step back (I know, easier said than done) is the best thing for you. Walking away with your dignity intact so it is your choice and not his.

Please don't go to this party. It will fuel the obsession and is just rubbing your nose in more pain. You can avoid even more hurt here by cutting your losses and leaving him as quietly and efficiently as you can, and then relying on friends for tlc as you grieve.

Don't worry, I'm not going to the party!

In my little fantasy world, I think it would be fun to see him really uncomfortable BUT it's too much for me. I don't want to go down that road. This time last week, I would have probably jumped at the chance but some good advice and time have helped me!

He's being such an arse. It isn't his fault to have feelings for someone but it is downright shitty to have them and then lie to you as he is. Just really entitled and selfish and unpleasant. I'm cross for you.

You're doing really well. This stuff is bloody horrible and nobody can deal with it in perfectly logical fashion because it's all about very intense emotions. Given the situation I think you're doing fine. But please bin him off. You can do and you deserve so very, very much better.

Litlle/Artsy, my ex is in an aresehole class of his own. He was/is an abusive man.

He's not the same nationality as me either! He was in the UK for 20yrs, but not from here! He thinks his own Nationality's the best in the world and everyone else is lower than him.

I lived in his godforsaken hellhole of a country, trust me, he's wrong.

It's irrelevant, but wanted to state that there are some that categorise women.

The kind of man that has failed to have a significant relationship/marriage by his 40's is potentially flawed, and likely to be single for a reason. Commitment issues, views on women.

It's a red flashing beacon, not a plus point that he has no baggage.

Thanks perfectstorm. I'm really trying my best. Part of me also doesn't want to be a complete bitch to OW. I was thinking about how hurt I am with this situation and so I can't imagine how painful it must be getting divorced. So as much hatred and anger I feel for her, I'm trying to think about how she's a real person and I don't want to hurt someone else.

I'm not pissed off at him. At first, I was just sad but now I'm really angry. Especially today after he blatantly lied about the party. So, that helps!

I think you've come a long way on this thread Artsy! Well done!

Now BIN HIM! :)

I meant to say Im now pissed off at him!

The only person you should consider in all this is yourself, the others can take care of themselves.

Get angry, you have that right! ((hug))

Chances are, Artsy, that she knows nothing about you so any hatred for her may well be misplaced.

I mean, we know he's lying to you. No reason to think he wouldn't lie to her as well is there?

She may well be as much an innocent victim in this as you.

HissyFucker that sounds like an awful experience. I guess if my guy was treating me badly (aside from this two timing) I'd have an easier time believing all this. He was SO nice to me in the time we've been together. Sure, we have some difficulties, but overall he's been very warm and caring. That's mainly why this has hit me so hard. Sure, you could say that there is something wrong with him for not getting married or starting a family, but aside from dodging comitment, he is quite a nice person. That's why I was just so shocked that he would hurt me like this

Bitoutofpractice You're probably right. If I was him, telling her I have a girlfriend is the last thing I'd do. I swear this is the only thing stopping me from stalking away hahaha

Quite apart from everything else, I find his "We'll see" in response to your suggestion that you go to the party alone quite chilling- you were invited, you don't need his permission! He's treating you like a parent treats a teenager. But come Friday, all this will be over! Stay strong.

haha well usually he uses the "we'll see" comment when I'm trying to talk him into doing something he doesn't want to do. I don't think he expects I would actually go without him, mainly because I'm not close to these people...they only invited me because of him, I have never spent time with them without him.

He's not the controlling type at all, but you're right it is very dismissive. Another thing to add to the list of why I'm pissed off!

Yes, but they didn't email him and say "oh you're welcome to bring Artsy", they put you on the email too.

Not suggesting you should go though!

Artsy an adult saying "we'll see" to another adult is controlling.

It's what I say to my children when the answer is no but I haven't got the headspace for a confrontation right now. It's a way of kicking the can down the road. It means that regardless of what they want, I will make the final decision and will make it on my terms.

That's what "we'll see" means.

Isn't that exactly what you're describing when you say "he uses the "we'll see£" comment when I'm trying to talk him into doing something he doesn't want to do". That's why everyone says "we'll see".

I haven't posted for a while, but I have kept up with this thread.

I'm pleased to see that your feelings towards the situation have changed somewhat since you were first posting, but your posts still suggest that you don't really 'get it' and that you are still at risk of making the same mistakes all over again.

I hope you keep this thread and can read back over it in the future to remind yourself of what other women are saying.

The thing is, he can be nice and warm and lovely to you and still not be a nice person.

My stbxh was a "nice guy". In fact we only spoke last week about how devastated he was that "all I ever had going for me was that I was a nice guy and now everyone hates me". Unfortunately, his idea of being a nice guy was actually sugar coated control underpinned by a complete lack of respect for me or acknowledgement that I was an adult capable of making my own decisions. Which resulted in him having an affair, because in his head as long as I didn't find out about it and he continued to come home every night and say nice things to me, it couldn't hurt. And he has lost a lot of friends/respect of family members as a result of the breakdown of our marriage.

I think there's a danger of over-thinking this whole thing- and the party.

You do seem to enjoy the 'cloak and dagger' side to all this Artsy- the 2nd guessing, snooping, etc etc- it's a bit immature, I'm afraid. It's not as if you have been married for 20 years and need evidence before leaving him- he's a relatively short term boyfriend who hasn't even declared love, and who dodged commitment when you've pursued him. This is what needs to be in your head- not some party invite.

The bottom line is he's not that bothered about you. Sorry! But if you read back you said it had cooled some time ago and possibly before this woman appeared. If you can stop seeing her as a love rival and start to accept that this was NEVER going to work with him then you'd do a whole lot better.

You're overthinking it. Just end it.