Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/11/2013 16:59

You don't want a man who likes the chase. (if that's the case)

You should want a man who likes stability.

I wouldn't give him a chance to go after you at all. One, because you are less hurt if he doesn't make the extra effort. Two, because it's less hassle and you can move on without great drama.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 17:44

Exactly, that's why I don't want to play that game. I could but, like I said, I'd probably be the one to lose at the end. At least if I just talk to him and break up with him straight up, it will really be the end....rather than dragging it out.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 05/11/2013 17:49

Yes, do tell him straight. Otherwise you'll be on edge for weeks waiting for his next attempt to contact you and wondering if he's got the message.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 17:51

Otherwise you'll be on edge for weeks waiting for his next attempt to contact you and wondering if he's got the message

I wish it was just getting the message, I'd probably be on edge hoping he would do something to get me back! Then when he doesn't, I'd be obsessing about him and OW and basically I'd be back to where I was last week Sad

OP posts:
onlypassing · 05/11/2013 18:20

Why, oh why was no-one ever as madly in love with me as you are of that 40yr. old guy who's losing his figure and is definitely past his best but has women running after him like crazy? Makes me Envy Smile And you think you're unlucky in love...

Ok then, just tell him a friend of yours who happens to know his 'friend' told you all you needed to know .... and that's it. Goodbye. End.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 18:44

onlypassing that's cute! I'm not sure if he has women running around after him, just me! You sound like a nice man, though. You must have someone nice in your life Smile

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 18:51

So, something new happened...

I just got an email invitation from a friend of his to her husband's birthday dinner/party in about 2 weeks. I looked at the invitation and saw that it was also sent to none other than OW. I didn't know if my bf had seen it but I decided to test him a bit.

I sent him a text asking if he wants to go so that I can buy a present before he gets back. A few mins later he replied (guess he's not that busy after all) saying that he probably can't go as he has something important to do that day. It's on a Saturday night plus this is a pretty close friend of his from the same country as him, so I think that even if he was very busy he'd still make time to go for a quick drink or something. So I asked him what he could possibly be doing. He replied saying that some work people are coming into town and he has to take care of them. I don't really buy this, so I pushed him a bit and said we could just stop by, again he replied he couldn't. Finally, I said I could go alone if he really wasn't able to make it. He asked me why I'd want to go without him. He then said we'll see when he gets back. When he says "we'll see" about something it usually means never.

Don't worry I'm not planning to go...but still can't believe this!

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 18:52

BTW, the friend who sent the invitation isn't the same friend who was my "source". That would have been way too weird...this is another woman, completely neutral in this story.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 05/11/2013 19:08

He's going with her, right?
No way does he want you there. Still, could be fun to watch him squirm Wink

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 19:10

haha...I don't know if he's going with her! I messaged him right after the invitation was sent out...I don't think I gave him the time to make plans with her!!

Although, I would love to see him squirm!

OP posts:
loopyloulu · 05/11/2013 19:13

Your point is? :)

That he doesn't want you and the OW to be in the same place at same time? Or he will be out with the OW somewhere else? Or he just doesn't want to see you?
sorry am confused.

Presume the invite was by email and you saw the OWs email address there?

cloudskitchen · 05/11/2013 19:13

I'd be tempted to text him and say you've decided to go alone (to represent you both as a couple) and that you've already replied just to watch him try and wiggle out of it. The blokes an idiot to be messing you about.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 19:14

Yep, it was an email. I'm guessing he just doesn't want us in the same place at the same time.

OP posts:
loopyloulu · 05/11/2013 19:14

He won't go at all with either of you. He's not dim.

HissyFucker · 05/11/2013 19:14

Please woman? Why are you doing this to yourself?
Do you have so little self respect that you have to play this out until there really is nothing left of you but a sobbing mess?

My love, you say the parental expectations, the culture and whatnot isn't relevant, but it really is, you're determined not to be seen as giving up, or failing.

But by allowing this charade to continue love, failing is exactly what you are doing.

He already has no respect for you, now he'll be working on loathing you and cultivating pure contempt for you.

You are not 'winding him up' love, you are poking around in drying shit.
Keep it up and it'll keep stinking out the place.

My vile and abusive ex was shagging a Chinese girl, nice enough girl she was, but he would say that it'd never be serious, because she didn't look like him, and it wasn't 'right/proper'

That is out and out xenophobia/racism I know (he's ex for this and a bazillion reasons) but the point i'm making is that this bloke is seeing you as nothing more than a snack, and a fleeting one at that. Sure you have your boast points in ArmCandy Top Trumps, but he's never ever going to take you seriously because he'll choose someone closer to his own. He is a man that isn't very nice, and he's not good enough for you, because he doesn't see the bright, funny, articulate and creative person that you are.

He's out of his league.

The longer you cling on to this and don't toss you hair and stalk off into the distance to better and better men friends, the more damage to your self esteem you are doing.

Phone this MOFO up, tell him what you saw, and that you've decided to end it.

You can deal with your feelings later, we'll be here for you for that.

Please, you're going to kick yourself for every single minute you delay in telling him to jog on, end it today.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 19:15

cloudskitchen hahaha I really want to!! But...it's in 2 weeks, so I'm sure he'll just assume that he can talk me out of it when he gets back

OP posts:
HissyFucker · 05/11/2013 19:17

Reply All to the email and say you and shithead would LOVE to come

Dump him. Dump him. Dump him.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 19:17

I can do it in person on Friday!

I really didn't expect this to happen...

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 19:21

My vile and abusive ex was shagging a Chinese girl, nice enough girl she was, but he would say that it'd never be serious, because she didn't look like him, and it wasn't 'right/proper'

Wow he sounds like a complete ass!!! I don't think you're right about this though...there are so many mixed marriages these days, I'm really hoping that attitudes have changed.

Although, there is one thing that fits with what you're saying. The OW has a similar cultural background to his. She isn't from his country or anything like that and they don't speak the same language (I checked on Wikipedia and they speak English to each other)....but she is from that same general area of Europe that he comes from....BUT...in spite of all this, I don't think race is the reason he doesn't want to be with me. Although, I do think they could have more in common having a similar background.

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 05/11/2013 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtsyLady · 05/11/2013 19:24

MatryoshkaDoll I'm going to!! I've had days to think about this and I will do it, but I want to do it in person

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 05/11/2013 19:26

Is DDay Friday?
If it is I'll be waving my pom-poms Grin

HissyFucker · 05/11/2013 19:28

My love, YOU know there are mixed marriages, I know there are mixed marriages, I know they work.

But we are not these shitty little men, are we?

You are crediting this bloke with 'Nice Bloke doing Bad things' syndrome, but actually he is a 'Shit Bloke who did Nice Things to Get What He Wanted For HIMSELF'

This is why no-one's married him/stuck it out.

If you stick to this, it'll only get worse.

Are you actually going to wait around for that?

Really?

Would you allow that to happen to someone you gave a shit about?

I wouldn't, which is why i'm posting.

I don't know you, but I know how much damage this stuff does, and I know it seriously doesn't have to be like this.

A good relationship is just awesome, for all the right reasons, it works towards a goal.

Your's doesn't, and won't.
You have come to the end of the road here. Reverse gracefully and get yourself back on the right track!

loopyloulu · 05/11/2013 19:33

If you are going to end it then stop contacting him now.

There's something a bit childish about your glee in finding the OW being invited to the same party and calling him about it.

This is the 2nd time you've called him on his trip. He didn't call you about the party did he?

You are still obsessed with her- not sure how you find out on Wiki how they talk to each other on whatever language Confused.

Tell us that you understand how this relationship would have ended anyway whether she appeared on the scene or not- maybe not right now- but at some point.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 05/11/2013 19:43

Am I right in thinking you are persuing a relationship with a 40 year old man who has never married/had a serious relationship? That alone would wave red flags for me (sorry) he almost certainly has relationship issues of one kind or another. I havent read the whole thread so apologies if ive got the wrong impression.

Why would you want a man that much older...damn if I were 29 again I wouldnt be looking at 40 year olds Blush

I hate to say it but hes not that into you been there, done that, got the t-shirt (the lovely boyfriend who was charming when I saw him, but then disappeared for months on end, reassurances on the phone "I will see you this weekend....nothing....on and off for years and years) Glad to hear you will save yourself the heartache....dont listen to what he says some men can talk the talk and its all bullshit, you will get a better view of how he feels if you look at how he behaves