Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

If you do cry all well and good but wouldn't it be great if you were just like "oh well it's over" - tough luck you lost out.

his jaw would certainly hit the floor - if he knows you he'll expect the emotions and Oscar winning performance.

And you can cry at home, with the cat (if you have one etc!). I think that would be good for your self esteem though - not to lose it in front of him.

Loopy - no way should she go to his place or he to hers. No way.

But also when they meet it should be either near his/her work place and then they go off. for good. no turning back and all that.

I think HelloBoys' suggestions are very good and along the lines that I was thinking about.

Keep it short and just say that you don't think it's working for you and you are splitting up with him. Wish him all the best and go (or be dragged away by your friend).

the friend is good...

otherwise sometimes you can talk for ages - about what??!! and then someone can suggest a drink etc and before you know it you're not broken up and you're drunkenly snogging.

Can you tell I've had previous experience here?!

Get one of us speaking to you through an ear piece with instructions.
watches too many spy tv series

I haven't read all the advice from others as I'm guessing there will be a lot from women who have been cheated on and looking at things from that perspective.

All I can do is give you the perspective of a happily married woman who has been with her OH for 19 years but had reason to doubt in that time.

My OH works long hours and goes away a lot. After one particularly trying time I snooped and found out he was meant tone meeting up with another woman whilst away but didn't go as I was ill. I found a text on his phone, forwarded to mine and texted it to him when he was on the way to work. He turned straight round, came home home and we discussed it. He admitted he wouldn't have told me because it would have hurt me. I told him if he thought he'd need to keep anything a secret then went ahead anyway he'd be putting his wants before my needs and I don't deserve that.

The short of it was he knew it'd hurt me, the fact that he put his wants (she'd lost her mum and he had too. I snooped, it's true but felt hurt he'd talk to someone else and lie to me) above my needs means there's been a trust issue ever since that arises fromy insecurities. I know he has never cheated, know that was never his intention but it hurt that he could not talk to me and was capable of lying.

He's never seen her again and makes excuses about going to that location or does an up and back visit and doesn't stay despite it being 200 miles away.

He does this, not because I asked, but because he knows how much it hurt and thought it best to. Nobody and nothing is more important than us. This was years ago and I still occasionally snoop when I'm feeling low about myself but don't need to because there's been nothing else and no more problems since the death of his mum.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your boyfriend knew how badly you felt and cut the OW out of his life (you'd know because you could snoop still to reassure yourself) then things could still work. Having said all of that, my snooping reassured me there was no emotional relationship whilst yours says that you're convinced there is. He might not know that he's crossed the line or see as you do and cut all ties if he knew how you felt? You won't know unless you give him the chance and them continue snooping...if it's worth it?

Do RTFT. :)

And the OP.

Also, a lifetime of continued snooping. Nice.

YY joysmum, that sounds like a really healthy way for the relationship to go!

Joy I am happily married and never been cheated on. well when i was in my late teens, my boyfriend of two and a half years once had a drunken snog in a night club. i dumped his arse the following day when i found out. hurt like hell at the time but never looked back

From memory the Op has raised the issue regards OW with him already. He lied to her and continued on his merry way.

Lwej what does RTFT stand for?

Why on earth would you snoop 'when you feel low'
This implies that there is a lack of trust and you are looking for confirmation that all is indeed ok.
it's also odd that your DH drives 400 miles in a day instead of sleeping over- just to keep you happy.
Don't you ever tell him it's ok to stay over- and might in fact be safer for him and other people on the road to have a night's kip before coming back?
Sorry but I don't think this sounds like a healthy, equal relationship where you keep tabs on him and when you say 'jump' he asks 'how high?'

I do agree with Loopy. I wouldn't want to live in a relationship where there is lack of trust and I have to snoop on DH to feel secure. But, each to their own as the say.

Peapod, I'll answer on behalf of lwej- RTFT means Read the Fucking Thread.

BTW Hello Boys, OP is in New York so Costa may be a bit confusing OP, for Costa read Starbucks.

Good luck OP, you have made the right decision and you can do it. You'll never look back.

Jessie thank you. Make complete sense now

I've actually been to London and know what Costa is! But yep, we don't have that. I actually have no idea how I ended up on a British forum, I just googled relationship advice and this came up, seemed very active and full of good discussion so I joined

I thought you usedto live in NY but you were in UK now?
Oh well, not to worry.

For Costa, read Starbucks :)

Wow okay, so I haven't even thought about the location at all. I just figured I'd go to his place (I live with a roommate I'm not very close to, so not the best idea). A coffee place might be a good idea. Too many witnesses and may stop me from trying to murder him (j/k!)

Joysmum - I hear what you're saying. That was what I wanted to do intially, until I was talked out of it ahah! There are just too many issues around that. I too snooped through his phone and basically forced a friend of his to give me details about their relationship. It's not like we live together and I just looked at his phone. I literally spent a long time reading emails, text messages, facebook (though they don't use it much!). I do still want to talk about OW, but I don't know how without bringing all this up and showing him what a psycho I've been.

I actually did confront him initially. I basically told him that I've noticed he's changed and that I heard about how he's been spending a lot of time with this woman, how this is recent, and I've heard he had feelings for her. He denied everything, other than spending time with her. He just said that he's known her for a long time and is being nice to her because she's going through a hard time. Right then and there, I didn't believe him. Then after snooping, I found out so much more that confirmed what I was worried about.

I also figured out that the reason I've been feeling the distance and change is really because we haven't seen much of each other. From their messages I got that a lot of that time was taken up seeing her.

I don't know how far it's gone between them but I get the idea that it's much more complicated than just a flirtation.

*then someone can suggest a drink etc and before you know it you're not broken up and you're drunkenly snogging.

Can you tell I've had previous experience here?! smile*

hahaha I hear you. This guy is very...erm...friendly after a few drinks, I can't say I'm not receptive after a few either...so a bar/alcohol are definitely out of the question!

I wish there was a 'Forget the other woman ' pill you could take.
You seem to still not get the notion that the OW is not important.

What matters is that he is 'just not that into you'.

If it wasn't this OW then it may well have been another one.
The OW has simply (I think) confirmed his feelings around the fact you are not The One. She might not be either, but she's a new interest and he's pursuing it for the moment.

That's why who she is, whether she is beautiful, clever, the best lover in the world does not matter a jot. What matters is that in the short time you have known him, he's decided that he's not wanting to commit to you. It's never been a case of 'give it time'.....he's never said he loved you or wanted to live with you. He's enjoyed your company but that's it.

I hope you can see this and won't live with the idea that he left you for the OW and become all bitter and twisted over it.

Your relationship wasn't going anywhere by all accounts. This OW has just hastened the ending which was inevitable.

Can you see this because from the outside that is how it looks.

Artsy

I've been following your thread and must say, you sound like quite a catch for any man.

Do you really want to spend the best years of your life invested in someone who's enjoying you, and i'm sure you give him a lovely ego boost, but is not fully committed to you in the way you deserve?

I think you've put him on a pedestal, and truthfully, he sounds rather dashing would quite like to meet him myself, but do you really believe

that you couldn't get the whole package?

You could. There are men out there who have all the characteristics that you love in this man, but who will feel the same way about you in return.

You really do deserve better.

If there is to be a future for you both you will know when you end it by his reaction.

I'm trying but it's not easy. I think the first good step was to stop trying to stalk her anymore.

I guess it's partly because I understand and can describe my own feelings pretty well. Like if you asked me why/when/how I fell in love with him, what I love about him, etc I could write a whole new thread about it. I know exactly what it is. I could do the same for my ex. I could also tell you about other guys I've dated that I wasn't interested in and tell you why. I really can. So I just assume that most people are this way and that they know what's going on in their own heart.

I just figured that he knows what he likes so much about her and what he doesn't like about me. Why I'm not the one for him.

Whether she's the one or not, I can't deny that they have a significant relationship. I just want to understand what has kept him interested in her for 7 years!

Plus I have a very vivid imagination. I can just picture them getting married, having kids, having bbqs (don't ask..).

So I'm just trying not to act on this, not to seek out any more information, but I can't just switch off those thoughts.

And, regardless of how horrible he may sound, he is a nice person. I mean, he's pretty warm and friendly and has always been nice to me. But, at the same time, he is also very calm and sort of plans things pretty well, so I just want to understand why he's doing this to me.
Is he just blatantly using me, ignoring the fact that I am a person with feelings, what?!

uptheanty I've been following your thread and must say, you sound like quite a catch for any man.

Thanks!!

You're doing it again....
Trying to explain why you want to know what he sees in her.

That's got nothing to do with being self-aware - which is what you described here- and being able to articulate your feelings.

You are a) obsessed and b) trying to work out why he likes her.

You are on a hiding to nothing. You cannot always find the answers you think you need.

And you are STILL missing the point! It's not about HER - it's about why he doesn't feel as much for you as you'd like him to.

I don't know how often this has been spelled out to you here but you refuse to listen. Stop being so bloody dim on this one and fess up.