Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Men can be very annoying.

When I was trying to break up with last partner, I wanted to do it face to face, but he was off so suggested lunch and he'd have to go quite a bit out of his way, so I'd have felt even worse. I ended up calling him instead.

They can be annoying!

I know what he's like after a few drinks and this conversation could have been pretty entertaining and disastrous at the same time!!!

I hope you are not overawed or too impressed by his intellectual capabilities. Do you admire what he has achieved and does so very much? You seem to have or have had immense respect for him. Too much, I think.
What does he think of you, I wonder? You probably have a great deal of talent yourself. And you are creative! (I like to think I am too.... pity I don't produce something that might interest others.. but I don't care.... haha!)
Does he value you what you have achieved? Did you feel he has a high opinion of your abilities and qualities? Does he take art seriously? Or does it seem to be all about him and his activities, as if that's all that matters to him?

There's a huge difference between still being in one's 20s and being over 40 already. It's a different feeling altogether... I remember! You are losing a man who is becoming a little bit tubby round the middle and losing his hair, and who may well start to lose interest in sex and love-making in 10 years or so; and in 15 or so - who knows? - he may start to have problems with erections, etc. I'm simply saying it may be a good thing he's been so dishonest with you.
There are mature men of around your age, and just as intelligent as he is, and perhaps more interested in art if he isn't. You've just been unlucky. Life's often really all about luck when you think of it. Chance events, chance encounters, lucky coincidences...
This man's two-timing you, as you know. He seems to be a liar, or extremely economical with the truth. And he obviously is confident he can pull the wool over your eyes without too much difficulty. Not much love if someone can do that, is there?
You really really don't want someone like that in your life! You might strike far luckier next time! And with a younger man who's friends aren't all over 10 years older than you.
But who am I to give you advice? You're probably far cleverer than I am!

onlypassing - He does take an interest in my work. But I work for a animation and design company, so my work is pretty fun and interesting. So I'm not really sure if he is really interested in it because of me or just the subject itself, if that makes sense. Although I am interested in quite a lot of things from painting to writing to poetry and music. Again, I introduced him to a lot of these things but I think he could have enjoyed them because they are interesting things.

But you're right, I do respect him a lot, maybe too much. I definitely do respect his intellectual capabilities, like he showed me stuff from his work and it makes no sense at all to me, like reading a foreign language, but for him it's so easy! But there's more to it than that. Like he told me quite a lot about his background and family. As I mentioned he is from Europe and his family were very educated and had jobs that would, these days, make a lot of money. But they lived under the Communist governments and so they never had much financially and struggled. Then his dad died while he was still quite young. Yet he came here and achieved quite a lot career wise, made a good life for himself and is also able to provide for his mom and brother back home.

That really resonated with me. I mean my parents are Chinese and so I totally get how his parents must have struggled. Yet, I don't think I've lived up to my parents expectations. They aren't happy with my career choice, I don't make much money (although I'm not very established yet), and they kept pushing me to choose something more stable. My sister is a dentist and they are so thrilled...but the idea of looking around people's mouths all day is just not what I want from life, so I followed my own dream. But they aren't really happy. So I think in a way I saw what he did for his own family and kind of wished I could do the same for my own, which is partly why I respect him so much.

I totally get the age gap thing, but again back to my own family...my parents have an even bigger age gap and have been happily married for over 30 years! So I don't know, I never thought of it as a big problem....

Well, he is lucky to have been born with such a good brain (sheer luck again - to be the offspring of intellectual parents!), and also he must have had drive and the energy to fulfil his ambitions. And it is good of him to be still helping his much poorer relatives. Nevertheless he is definitely treating you badly by deceiving you like this. It's so unkind and callous. After a year's relationship in which you'll have been very good to him you just don't deserve to be treated in this way. His dishonesty about his feelings for this other woman is unforgiveable and is hurting you so much, yet he continues to think he can continue to fool you and get all the benefits of having your love. This is so very cold and calculating of him. I hate a mixture of cleverness and nastiness!

I agree with you completely about how much more interesting the arts are in comparison to dentistry, interesting though it may be to some! I've seen programmes on tv about the struggles the Chinese often have to succeed in finding a lucrative career. At first I admired them with their striving and burning ambition for success, but then I grew sick seeing their obsession with success and making money as if it was almost more important than life itself! It seemed like a depressing and squalid rat race to me, I'm afraid.
So I'm not surprised your parents are far more pleased with your sister just because she makes more money than you. In a way it disgusts me. They should value and admire you for having striven to do what you want to do because that makes you happy and fulfilled. And they should value your creative abilities. They should be proud of you and be happy for you. Your parents' attitude is completely wrong and misguided, I think. In China the former communists are now capitalists with a big C! Ironic.
Best wishes, Artsylady.

*I've seen programmes on tv about the struggles the Chinese often have to succeed in finding a lucrative career. At first I admired them with their striving and burning ambition for success, but then I grew sick seeing their obsession with success and making money as if it was almost more important than life itself! It seemed like a depressing and squalid rat race to me, I'm afraid.

off topic but I am a bit hmmmm with this comment. This is a bit of a stereotypical generalisation of a entire culture and race. I work with the Far East and I actually admire their work ethic and principled dealings in business. It's a shame our culture doesn't have some of these principles to be perfectly honest. You can't paint an entire culture like you have based on a few TV programmes you watched..

Op you made the right decision not to have te conversation with him whilst he was drunk.

I've seen programmes on tv about the struggles the Chinese often have to succeed in finding a lucrative career. At first I admired them with their striving and burning ambition for success, but then I grew sick seeing their obsession with success and making money as if it was almost more important than life itself! It seemed like a depressing and squalid rat race to me, I'm afraid.

off topic but I am a bit hmmmm with this comment. This is a bit of a stereotypical generalisation of a entire culture and race. I work with the Far East and I actually admire their work ethic and principled dealings in business. It's a shame our culture doesn't have some of these principles to be perfectly honest. You can't paint an entire culture like you have based on a few TV programmes you watched..

Op you made the right decision not to have te conversation with him whilst he was drunk.

Um I'd say that it varies, that is definitely a stereotype. There are plenty of people in China or anywhere else that would be happy letting their child follow their dreams or do whatever was fulfilling to them regardless of money.

Although, I think there's more to it than that with my parents. They are also immigrants and I often think that people who leave their country and search for a better life like that want their kids to succeed and have stable lives themselves. I get where they're coming from, but I think they haven't had the opportunity to see my succeed yet because I've only been working for a few years. It's just a constant uphill battle to prove myself to them (but that's a whole different thread! ha)

Do you think it's possible you invested or expected so much of this relationship because of your parents?

onlypassing the age gap is a red herring.
It's not relevant and I'd like to suggest that you reframe your ideas about middle aged men. My DH is older than your 'projection' of the OP's man, 15 years hence. There's no lack of interest in sex from my DH, or any inability to perform and he's late 50s.
Age is not important IMO unless you are talking of a 20+ age gap when there may be differences around generational attitudes but these are so individual anyway.
And in any case, in this instance we are only talking of around a 10 year difference, which is nothing. I had 2 serious boyfriends/relationships where they age gap was 9 years and 13 years.

Have I invested so much because of my parents?

Haha I knew that one was coming! I don't think so, I just feel what I feel, I don't think it was a conscious decision. Although my parents did meet him (just once) and they really liked him. Although their reasons for liking him pissed me off honestly because it was all about his financial status rather than him. But they really didn't like my ex and I think I invested a lot more into that relationship than this one!

You do know that now you contacted him when he was away it weakens your position a little- ie looks like chasing because he didn't call you at all?

Hard as it is, you ought to try to focus on work for the rest of the week, and wait until he is back- or send him an email explaining how you feel, but leave out anything on the OW.

Oh please ladies can we get away from trying to find cultural (herritage, parenst etc.) reasons as to why the Op feels the way she does about this guy.. It's so sterotipical..

Onlypass As well as the cultural stereotype, you are also generalising with regards people in their 40s. My DH is in his 40s and his still fit, has all his hair and is as sexually active as he was when we met in his 30s. My friends DH is early 50s and their sex life seems fine from what she says. I completely get where the Op is coming from because my preference has always been for older me. I was never interested in men my own age. I found most of them immature and irritating.

Op personally I don't think you should play any games with him. If you are ending it then end it (phone, email or speaking to him). That's pretty much it, "it's over because I can't see this going anywhere and I want commitment which you don't seem to want". If he says he wants commitment then jus say "I want commitment now, not is 3 months, 6 months ir a year etc." End of.

To me, the outstanding phrase from recent posts is he's two-timing you. It's unarguably true.
Summary:
You're a lively, likeable, talented, determined, loving and capable woman.
You've got a thing about a man who is, unfortunately, stringing you along.
You deserve better - and single is better than hanging off a thread! You've got great friends; it's not as if he's your only link to the world, is it?
It is within your power to take charge of your own life :)

If I were sitting on your couch with you right now, I'd be getting you relish all the fun memories of times you had with this guy. It's been a great year - not at all wasted! - and has added to the total of who you are. Now the shine's gone off it: it's not working in your favour any more. So put those memories in a box, or an album, or an artwork, and thank him for his part in them. And look to your next experience.

It's all good, really :) Dumping him is the final part of this experience, and will enrich you just as the past nine months have.

Oh please ladies can we get away from trying to find cultural (herritage, parenst etc.) reasons as to why the Op feels the way she does about this guy..
hahaha Thank you! I don't think there's anything in my background that's making me feel this way. That would be like saying that his culture or family relationships are reasons that he is acting the way he is, and they aren't. It's just about me and him (and the OW now too).

garlicbutter that's actually a very nice way of looking at it. I know this year hasn't been wasted and ultimately I think that I have learned something from it, both about myself and relationships.

I'm still not in a good place but so much better than last week when I first posted here and was confused out of my mind!

I think the bottom line is that you can do better and you deserve better. That simple.

You never know why the chemistry between some people works better than with others, and you'd drive yourself crazy trying. Similarly you can't change or control people, and if you get the desire, that's a big red flag that either the relationship is wrong or that you have some issues you need to look at. (And there is no shame in that - we all have issues and 24 is blimming young in a lifetime - you've only been an independent adult a handful of years.)

Go easy on yourself, be nicer to yourself, accept he doesn't deserve you if this is the status quo and walk away with dignity. Which I know is a million times easier said than done - really, I do! But while you waste time on Mr Almost Okay you are missing out on meeting someone who really would be perfect for you. And a lot of fun en route to meeting him, too!

I've decided...I'm going to end it!
Until now I think that I was still on the fence. I guess I was really trying to find some way to convince myself that this was just a glitch, that he doesn't care about her, that I'm better than her in some way and that he would realize. But after a week of thinking and talking about this, I know that it won't happen. I hate to admit this, but I do think he loves her and that it's more than just another fling for him. That obviously can't work.

I'm still going to do it in person, just because I want to get it over with, rather than writing to him, getting a response, perhaps a phone call...or whatever. At least if we talk it'll be final. BUT...I don't think I can stay calm, that's the only problem.

Maybe do it in a public place, so you can check yourself better and it will be easier to leave?

I don't think it matteers if you stay calm or not as long as you are careful what you say. Stick to I've realised this isn't working and it has to end. Let him fill the gap and just say I'm sorry but thats my decision. DON'T mention OW or changes you've noticed in him.

haha somehow I have a feeling that it'll be him wanting to leave, rather than me!

Here's my biggest problem: I'm very emotional (who would have guessed) and he is really calm. I get so angry when I'm having an emotional outburst and the other person doesn't react. I'd rather just have a huge fight and get it over with, but there is nothing worse than me on the verge of tears and the other person being all cool and collected. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but it happens quite a lot.

Knowing him, he's not going to get all emotional or angry, he will probably even be nice to me, which will just piss me off and make me more upset.

That makes perfect sense actually Artsy - that is exactly what I'm like too. I don't cry out of sadness, I cry from frustration and anger, and it makes me look a fool. I do sympathise.

However - you really are doing the right thing, you know. Well done

Artsy I wouldn't worry about getting emotional. Ultimately you are an artists and a passionate person by nature. I have a number of friends in the arts that are passionate by nature. Nothing wrong with that and you certainly should not be ashamed of it. You are who you are and "fuck it" if others don't get it.

You are ending it and ultimately its irrelevant whether or not you show emotion when you do it. Be true to yourself and make sure you say what feels right to you and walk away with your head held high with your middle finger pointing in his direction

Im glad you're going to end it. Otherwise he will do it and it will hit you like a lorry.
this reminds me of my ex, who i felt was the 'one' and couldn't end it. One day he just randomly stopped talking to me after months of me trying to just get my closure. Found out he got married months before this and made me the other woman. If i stuck to my guns and upheld my decision, i wouldnt have questioned things after for as long as i did (and felt so disgusting)
Dont give him the power to do that. Ditch him and move on!

Artsy - I can be very emotional too.

Do you mean you'd cry (nothing wrong with that) or scream and shout at him?

if you want to meet him meet in a coffee bar - somewhere like Costa and after work. Have a nice cup of tea or coffee and a cake (don't have too many coffees unless you can handle it, I got buzzed on 3 cappucinos one time, LOL!).

Do NOT for god's sake meet him in a bar - the alcohol will fuel both your emotions!

I would arrange to meet him eg after work at Costa and THEN meet a friend afterwards - so give yourself 30 minutes with him if that. Then your friend can either meet you there (and you go off and get drunk with her!) or you can meet her. more I think about it, the more your friend meeting you there would be excellent. She can then calmly and politely drag (just kidding) you away from him and can defuse anything else. PS - choose a calm friend here not one who'll be overly biased and scream "you bastard" at him.

good luck!

Think VERY hard about meeting him at yours or his- in other words, don't.