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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 03/11/2013 13:47

this is good

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 03/11/2013 13:51

Cool, thank you!!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 03/11/2013 13:51

and this

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 03/11/2013 13:58

These are great resources, and def remind me of myself. I'll have a read...thanks a lot Thanks

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 03/11/2013 13:59

and the last one, honest

Lweji · 03/11/2013 14:19

You could end it now.
You could ring him and use the strength you are feeling now.

cjel · 03/11/2013 14:28

Yes she could Lweji, but won't because she still believes she may 'win'Smile

Lweji · 03/11/2013 14:32

Yeah... Sigh!

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 03/11/2013 14:33

I honestly can't do it now. He's away at a conference type thing. I've been with him to one of these before and their day is really filled. They spend a lot of time on work related stuff and then everyone socializes after until pretty late. So he won't have the time to talk....and I don't want to email him or anything because he'll obviously reply and it'll start a whole new thing.

So it may just be better to do it in person.

Ok yes a part of me still believes there's hope....but it's dying pretty fast.

OP posts:
Loopyloulu · 03/11/2013 14:36

Op

You have to be 100% sure that you WILL end this.

I'm not convinced you are sure. I feel sure that if he gives you some hope you'll carry on seeing him.

I've mentioned many times that he may be discussing you with the OW- asking how he can get out of your relationship without looking like a bastard- asking her advice perhaps.

How does that make you feel?

I suspect he will feel a big sigh of relief when you end it- but he may put on a show of being upset. Be prepared for that.

You have to decide what you can live with from the time you split up- do you want him to think of you as some angry, jealous, possessive bitch who sought information behind his back? or would it be better for him to think of you as someone who had self respect, new when the relationship was on a downward spiral, and acted in a dignified way?

Lweji · 03/11/2013 14:37

If you e-mail him and he replies, you can choose not to reply.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 03/11/2013 14:41

Ok...I'm going out to enjoy my day. I'll give the idea some thought. There's also a time difference between us now too, he is ahead of me. So, I may be able to catch him in at night when he's free. We'll see...

OP posts:
Loopyloulu · 03/11/2013 14:42

Why are you considering his feelings over yours?

garlicbutter · 03/11/2013 14:52

:) Good question, Loopy.

CinemaNoir · 03/11/2013 14:54

Something to keep in mind when (if) you are ending it: if he is basically a warm person he won't want to level with you... I. E. Tell hurt you by pointing out that it was more of a fun sexual relationship for him... Be prepared to hear a non straight answer... Like "it's not you it's me" or "there is so much pain I don't know what to do" or "we're having do much fun why end it? It's going great"

Because I am sure he likes you and doesn't want to hurt you and out of a the ladies in the world you are probably ranking up there for him... But ranking in the 2nd position. And that is all you need to know.

CinemaNoir · 03/11/2013 15:00

I also think ending it now will be to your benefit. Otherwise you waste another week driving yourself bonkers over this. Not worth it!

LittlePeaPod · 03/11/2013 15:21

op I hope you have the strength to stick to your convictions and my feeling this will continue is totally miss guided.

meddie · 03/11/2013 15:33

I know you have a fantasy that you will confront him and he will realise what he will lose etc. But think about it seriously.
Even if that did happen (which it probably wont)

What exactly would you be winning?

Someone who's not that committed to you?.
Someone who thinks its ok to string you along as second best, just in case the real prize says knocks him back.
How long would the relationship continue before his head was turned by someone else .meanwhile youre wasting some of the best years of your life on him. because deep down you were only ever the runner up prize.

Dont settle for being second best. you deserve better than being miss dofornow.

HelloBoys · 03/11/2013 15:34

Artsy it still sounds like if he snapped his fingers you'd come running (which is nice in theory) but he's invested in another person and that's not you.

I'll give you an example. Good friend of mine lived Brighton was seeing welsh guy (welsh comes into it as he lived in Wales and/or went back there for family stuff). Anyway my friend was kept hanging on a string for ages, waiting for calls, texts etc. until it was over. Then she was single (unhappily so) but she immersed herself in work (she's an artist not giving too much away as famous in her field). Well 2-3 years ago she met a new man, also artist and it was click from word go. You could tell he was besotted/absorbed with her and vice versa. They now live together. Anyway she's lost a ton of weight (she was overweight) grown her hair and looks amazing. That's love for you. See?

HelloBoys · 03/11/2013 15:38

Oh and she's happy! Which is the most important thing.if you break this thread down re your responses re your man you're not really happy.

Maybe this is good as a bunch of outsiders have helped you sort the wheat from the chaff.

Everyone's been in the blinkered mode especially re men ( or women if you're sapphic).

SolidGoldBrass · 03/11/2013 18:12

Only 'confront' this man if you are sure you can be calm about it. Bear in mind that you don't want his last sight of you to be of a screaming, snot-covered mess clutching his trouserlegs and going 'pleeeeeeeaaase stay with meeeee, I'll do anything to keep you.' Even if he is a nice enough man not to tell all his mates about the mad bunny boiler he's just got rid of, remembering that you made an absolute twat of yourself will haunt you. It would be better, really, to send him an email or text along the lines of 'Dear X, had some time to think over the weekend, and this relationship isn't really working out, so lets call it quits. GOodbye and good luck.' Then delete his number and get on with your life.

LittlePeaPod · 03/11/2013 18:49

bear in mind that you don't want his last sight of you to be of a screaming, snot-covered mess clutching his trouserlegs and going 'pleeeeeeeaaase stay with meeeee, I'll do anything to keep you.' Even if he is a nice enough man not to tell all his mates about the mad bunny boiler he's just got rid of, remembering that you made an absolute twat of yourself will haunt you.

Spit on Grin also really PMSL at the thought Grin

LittlePeaPod · 03/11/2013 18:50

That should say... Spot on not spit on....

Back2Two · 03/11/2013 19:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 03/11/2013 23:33

Ugh so I called him and it was a complete failure, I chickened out!!!

Basically it's night time where he is and I guess he just got back to the hotel. So I called and he sounded kind of drunk!! I asked if he was and he admitted it. I mean, he has no reason to lie about this. Don't worry he doesn't have any issues with alcohol! It's really surprising but these academics drink a lot when they all get together!!

Anyway, we just had a very short convo. I was mad that he was drunk because I couldn't talk to him properly. And talking with him made me miss him too Sad

So I ended the conversation pretty quickly and now just sitting here disappointed.

OP posts:
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