Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Oh and I think most decent men who do want to settle will say or do that.

Stalling after a year re moving in together is never a good sign. If you get on really well it can be sooner. My brother and his wife it was 2 months I think!

What are you going to do about the big scarlet screaming red flag waving in your face as we type?
Have you a plan in your head on what to do/say now?

I've actually heard from a bunch of men that are married that they knew their wife was the one very early on. I wonder if that's true. Well I guess for them it is. I know that for a lot of women it is true.

BTW: the guy trying to "advise" his girlfriends sounds a bit creepy.

I am thinking about what to say. The problem is that I can tell myself I'll have this really great plan of how to keep things short and simple but I know what I want to do.

I want to just openly confront him, tell him how I know everything about this woman, and just ask if he wants to be with her or if he'll stop and make a commitment to me.

BUT....having read all this advice, it does seem like the opposite of what I should be doing, which is just quietly ending it.

Yes. When they know, they know. And what's more, you know too
I have never doubted DH commitment to me for one second.

Plus I know I'll get really emotional and probably start crying. I just can't talk about difficult things like this without crying.

See, the part about bringing the OW into it is sketchy.
If I were you I'd lead with you ending things. If he asks why, then tell him you don't think the relationship is going anywhere.
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Bringing up OW, etc. will either result in him dumping you for lack of compliance or more placating, which will put you back exactly where you are now. Neither option is good.

See, I think a clever, articulate, loving, funny, attractive woman like you deserves better.
I think if you start to believe it too, you will be in a much better place emotionally.
This guy is not Brad Pitt (or icon of your choice). He doesn't deserve the pedestal you have had him on. Just because he's not a waster doesn't mean he's a keeper.
Of course he could, when faced by the loss of you, cop on to himself and start to appreciate what he has in you.
The only way you will find out is by ending it and if you decide to take him back, be very clear on what terms.

I hear you. If I start talking about OW, I'll also have to explain how I know, which basically involves reading his texts/emails and harassing his old friend into giving me details. Plus, I know people have said that his friend may have an agenda for telling me, but she was really adamant that I don't tell him she told me all this....so telling him would cause a big problem in their relationship as well. As pissed off as I am, I don't want to ruin their 15 year friendship.

BTW: When I initially asked him about OW, I didn't tell him who told me. I get the impression that a lot of his friends know her and are mutual friends with her as well. So, when I told him I heard that he was spending time with her, he seemed genuinely surprised that I knew. BUT...I told him that I heard about them (like it was a rumor rather than someone confiding in me) and he seemed to believe that, so I think that his "friendship" with her isn't really secret from his close friends. But I don't think I'll be able to explain knowing all these details from rumors.

Of course he could continue denying everything anyway.

So I'll try my very best to be rational and just focus on the relationship itself, rather that OW....and see where it goes from there.

Excellent reasoning. Don't give him a reason to turn this into the classic bunny boiler ex scenario.
You are not that person.

Of course he could continue denying everything anyway.

I suppose he will try that. Also I am sure he might try to hang on to your (non committed and possibly lovely, but also convenient for him) relationship.

See, I'm making progress!!

This forum + spending time with good friends and having fun has really helped change my persepctive.

I think that initially, I was just shocked! But I do feel a lot stronger/more stable now.

Let's see how things are when I get back home and if it'll last until the end of the week when I have to face him.

Why don't you just dump? You don't really need a reason as stuff along the lines of 'I don't think we have a future together' would do.

Do you really want to confess to snooping or maybe his friend you confided in getting involved (may happen if she speaks to him or him to her). I'd keep it short and sweet and move on.

... Until he really has a sure new gf lined up. That's what people do, not out of maliciousness but lack of integrity and inability to make serious decision and not being able to level with people.

I also think if you bring up OW he may deny, say they're friends or try to keep you as his GF.

Or he may not take kindly to being accused.

Yes, you are making progress! tbh you are lucky to get advice here. i was in your situation once but didnt even know about forums etc...

You could have all this behind you and in a good sound mental situation by spring next year. Then you start your Thirties on a light and happy note. I would recommend casually dating lots of guys and just enjoying life, making progress in your career etc. it can all be so much fun!

Cinema he does! The ow is the lined up one.

Artsy a three step plan:

1. Purchase the book "He's Just Not That Into You".
2. Read.
3. Repeat.

Seriously, if you're now starting to make excuses like "his dad died when he was in his 20s, maybe that affected him" you are clutching at straws big time. Thing is, it doesn't matter in the slightest WHY he is the way he is.

Look, I had a similar relationship history to you - 5 year serious relationship that ended in my late 20s, I invested a lot, he decided to dump me and I didn't see it coming. Devastated at the time but I now know that he was absolutely right to do what he did. We'd never have been happy together and he just realised it first.

Relationship with older guy, i was totally seduced by his maturity and worldliness, he was very keen at first but cooled off big time and I took FAR too long to get the message. In his case I was sure he wasn't over his ex wife and I became obsessed with finding out details about her. I look back and cringe.

Stopped trying so hard to find someone and then met my DP of 3 years and counting. It was easy from the moment we met, it's stress-free (no"working at it" required), we communicate well and neither of us wants or needs to change the other. The contrast with previous relationships is stunning.

I know it may seem like the end of the world right now but you are really, really young - 29 is no age at all. Just set yourself free from him, relax, enjoy the company of your friends, do things that you enjoy and it will happen, honestly.

Oh, but she mightn't go for him as far as I understand?

But yes, he sounds like he doesn't have that much substance.

You're completely right.

See the scenario in my mind goes like this: I accuse him, he admits to the relationship with her, realizes that it was just meaningless and he loves/wants to commit to me and we live happily ever after.

Reality: He will deny it, lie to me, mess with my head, and keep using me

So I'm trying to move away from my dream scenario and get back to reality.

I also really can't tell him about knowing the details of the relationship with OW without disclosing how I know. But without these details, their relationship could really be a friendship.

Like, it would be completely different knowing he's spending time with an old friend....and knowing that he bought a fridge for a recently divorced woman who he has had feelings for for 7 years..

You see what I mean....so without all these details, it's much easier for him to lie and say it's just a friendship and nothing else.

Sorry this thread is moving so fast am constantly xposting... I guess it resonates with a lot of people!

You're going to be just fine

Sorry this thread is moving so fast am constantly xposting... I guess it resonates with a lot of people!

No worries. Like I said, I'm really grateful for all the input and advice.

I guess I'm glad too that it does resonate with people because it seems like it's a pretty common scenario.

I know I sound okay now....but he and the OW are at the back of my mind.

I'm just worried that I'll get back to my place and be alone and fall back into that line of thinking and that I'll be a complete mess at the end of the week when I see him.

See I wish I could just see him right now because I'm feeling pretty good and do believe I could be rational.

Luckily, he isn't volatile at all like I am. He is really patient and actually quite warm (I know it doesn;t sound like it). So, if I do get really emotional, he won't act like a jerk, I know that much.

Just keep posting if you feel a wibble coming on.
I'm sure the battle scarred veterans (me included ) will be more than happy to keep you on the straight and narrow.
BTW have you googled baggage reclaim and chump lady?
Those sites can be a real empowering eye opener.