Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

I wasn't single for that long between the two guys...less than a year.

Love, did you see the screaming red flags that were waving at the point in your relationship where he was getting into trouble?

Sorry posted too soon.

You then said you were always there to help him. Why was that?

Of course I did...but it wasn't huge trouble like legal issues or anything. Just annoying things like missing important deadlines that would cause big trouble later on. Basically we went to grad school together, the program is 3 years. I graduated in 3 years and it took him 5!
At first I was honestly pretty young and I was irresponsible in some things too, so it wasn't a big problem, I would just help him fix his mess and moved on. But then as we got older, it did become a problem for me, but we were together so long that I didn't want to just end it and I loved him.

Ahh sorry OP, I misunderstood the timeline.

Do you see you should have let him fix his own mess?

Yes I do see that!

My thinking was that if he would only graduate and get a job, things would be okay. And that is exactly what happened for him. He did eventually get his shit together!

He graduated, got a job, got a place with a friend....and dumped me.

Good
At what point did you realise he wasn't going to marry you?

See this is why I liked my current bf so much. I mean other than the connection I felt.

He is the complete opposite with how he leads his life. He has a great career and he is really motivated with it too and is very certain about what he wants. Plus if he really wants something, he finds a solution or a way to get it, even in small everyday things.

It was just so refreshing to be with someone like that after my ex who had no clue what he wanted or how to make it happen.

Well, okay to be fair, I didn't want to get married right at that time either! I was in the process of getting my life together too, finishing school, getting a job, all that stuff. So in my mind it was all a few years down the line as well.

That's not what I asked. When did you know it wasn't going to end in marriage? Did he ever propose?

To be perfectly honest, with my ex, I can see how things got carried away. Now that I've had almost 2 years to analyze the situation.

I don't think he was lying about his feelings or even the idea of committing. He was just one of those people who got carried away with things. Like, things would seem like a great idea and he's get really excited and wanted to do it, without any real plan of how to make it happen or even certainty that he really wanted it.

I think it seemed like a great idea to him...but then he grew up and suddenly something else seemed like a better idea. I still talk to him sometimes too just because we have the same group of friends. He is better now that he used to be, but still not married or serious with anyone either.

The thing is, when you're in the art world you meet a lot of characters so it's not really that alarming when you're surrounded by people like this all the time.

Well I knew it wasn't going to end in marriage when he broke up with me.

That's good you understand why with first BF. But if it ended so well, why are you still upset by it?

What will you do differently in your next relationship?
(hope you know I'm probing you a bit for a higher purpose )

Also when I was much much younger I was in a 5 year on off relationship. He absolutely adored me and for a while I enjoyed being adored.
Then it got claustrophobic. I knew we'd never get married, but because he loved me I just couldn't dump him for good.
I ended up behaving really badly and hurt him worse than if I'd walked away far earlier.
I never made that mistake again. It was over 25 years ago and still makes me cringe.

From your description of the two relationships, I have the impression that you're a somewhat good judge of character. You're really able to give a vivid picture of their personalities and seem to understand their motivations as well.

So it makes me wonder if you can see the problems or "red flags" in the relationship much earlier but just don't want to admit to yourself what is happening. Or, maybe you see them and believe that with the right effort you can fix this problem?

My last proper boyfriend for about 18 months well I think he was into his exGF too but also a commitment phobe.

He moved in with her and her dog into a Home Counties small town but soon developed a 'heat allergy' (I kid you not) after moving into their new place. It's so bad he had to change detergent, clothing materials etc and he told me whatever he/she tried it didn't work UNTIL they ended the relationship (he did). Then he was cured (or a lot better). Yet he couldn't see when I mentioned that it could've been his exGF causing the probs or their relationship. All his allergies happened AFTER they moved in together not before.

Anyway my ex was into me, made noises re settling down etc but always some excuse. I think he liked the idea of marriage but not the reality.

He also told me about a month after we'd been dating his friends told him they thought he'd be the last one to settle down. My ex was 40. Oh also his parents had been through a very bad divorce when he was 9. Tons of fallout from that.

Anyway details above as to how/why some men won't commit. Or how divorce etc Shapes them.

Op you admit that one of the main reasons you fell for your current boyfriend is because his deceive and always goes for what he wants. Surely this should tell you a lot about his intentions towards you. If he really wanted a long term future with you he would go everything he could to make that happen. As he does with other things he wants. He focuses on them till he gets them basing this on what you have just said

katiescarlett - I'm still working on this one! See, after my previous relationship ended, I KNEW I didn't want to date someone so immature and irresponsible again. It was just way too much effort and I ended up getting nothing but dumped. Hence, I went for a man that was the complete opposite, thinking that was a good choice. Clearly not. So now I'm thinking that it's not just about the man, but how I act as well....although I'm not really certain about how I'll assert myself early on.

I've read the posts and people are saying to not jump in and bend over backwards from the very beginning. BUT...I don't really see it happening until it's done. Ok, with my ex I should have seen it because it was more obvious, but I was quite young then too.

With the current bf...I'm not sure how we got into this pattern. It kind of started out because he was the one initiating things and pursuing me (even though I liked him and was very open to being pursued). So he woul suggest doing certain things or just plan things and invited me and I'd go along with it. Plus, he is obviously financially better off than I am and has the ability to do things, like travel, that I've never really been able to do (starving artist!). So I just started to follow his lead. Then when things settled, again it was more about going to his place rather than mine, which made sense because he has a great apartment and I live with a roommate. Then I introduced him to my friends and he did spend time with them, but I spent much more time with people that he knows. That kind of thing, it all built up gradually.

malinaaa - I don't really know!!! In a way, you're right...I am a big believer that I can fix things if I just work hard enough. BUT...a lot of the time things build up gradually and I don't even see it coming.

HelloBoys - That's actually really interesting. I've heard about how people develop actual physical symptoms from psych issues or stress...so I guess that's what was happening to this guy. Did he ever end up settling down with anyone?

I don't know about my bf and his reasons. I think he had a pretty happy upbringing, he seems very close to him mom and brother, even though they live in another country, he still visits quite often and talks to them a lot. His dad passed away some time ago, though, when he was in his 20s so that could have had a profound effect on him.

Artsy afaik no he's not settled.

I think he likes the idea of being settled yet just can't do it.

For women in 40s (read me!) i think there are some reasons why they won't or don't settle.

Men no idea. However, have known 2 40ish men 1 had so many gfs it was amazing. He ended up getting married 4 years ago. His main words on marriage were 'I'd only get married if there was a guarantee I wouldn't get divorced'. Hmm. 2nd guy he always dated much younger prettier girls and liked to 'advise' them. Went well until his last livein GF got tired of debt, his moods etc and she moved abroad. He found (his words) it was getting harder to find women (because they were most likely wondering why he hasn't settled etc. he eventually met a woman with a DD (he wasn't keen on

Sorry playing dad at first but now afaik he's settled and happy.