Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

I agree with the PP - you need to get better at spotting red flags AND ditching people on sight of them. Neither man has treated you like you wanted to deserved to be treated, but the situations are different. The first guy actively used you. The second has just cooled off and could have handled it with more grace. Maybe he didn't realise quite how inexperienced you were with relationships and assumed you'd realise that this was a casual thing. Have you had any other, even short, relationships beyond those two?

And you surely don't treat all people the same? No one does, we moderate our behaviour depending on how much we care about someone. This man cares more about the other woman than you so is nicer to her...

Firstly, he has been wonderful to you, taking you on holidays all paid by him, etc.

Secondly, you don't know if he will continue to be wonderful to her if he gets her. He may just enjoy the chase.

The thing is, at the first signs of not wanting the same as you (committing), you should have been on your back foot. And you have kept your reluctance in finishing with him.

You don't need to understand this. For some things there is no explanation. That's why it would be better to just accept it and move on.

That is easier for some people to do than others though.

To be honest, I don't think he is really treating you badly. He is being very selfish, but he didn't really do anything. Look, some men who are married with children cheat on their wives and abandon their family. Can you explain this behaviour as well?

He was with you in a relationship that wasn't really serious. Maybe to you it felt that way, but for him it was just a nice experience. Maybe he cared about you, but just didn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.

I think he must love this other woman, in my personal opinion to get a fridge is better than jewellery, chocolates, or anything that I won't really use . And you said it has only been a few weeks, so he is slowly cooling off from you and moving on with her. It's quite a normal thing that happens to many many people all the time.

You should break up with him like everyone says. Maybe just spend some time being single or just "dating", not trying to get married. I think in the end this will be a good lesson for you in life.

Artsy, I'm really sorry you've had such bad experiences with relationships. I'm afraid, though, that you're going to have to chalk this one up to experience and move on. There are great guys out there who won't take you for a ride like your boyfriend is currently doing and your previous boyfriend did. But first you need to end this relationship.

Your boyfriend is hung up on this woman, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix that. Even before she came back into his life, you were having problems with him not wanting to commit. If he's "the one", you won't need to push him to commit, he'll actually want to be with you. This guy does not want to be with you. Or rather, he only wants to be with you as long as he's not sure of this other woman. There is no future in a relationship where one party already has a foot out of the door.

For your own sake, end it now. You're playing a no-win game. I'm sorry.

You are so young. Life should be easier than this. Love should be easier than this. When you meet the right person, it will feel effortless.
She is not better than you, they just have a connexion. You can't recreate that, you can't make it happen. It will happen with you and someone else. And when it does, you will not only look back on this guy and think geeze, what was I so worked up about; you will feel relief, like you had a lucky escape, because the real Mr.Right was actually just around the corner and thank goodness you are not stuck with the old guy, you'd be missing out on the wonder that is the new happy ever after guy. You have time. Live a little. Having our hearts broken, that's life, it's experience. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, or him, just that it wasn't meant to be this time. Truly, it is as simple as that.

And if he does turn out to be the one, then great, love will work itself out. If you love him, let him go, and if he loves you, he will come back - or whatever that saying is. Or not. In the meantime, don't bust a gut agonising over it all, that way misery lies.

Go, party, chill, do your thing. Make some angsty art, or whatever you need to do. Things will work out one way or another.

Good luck.

Op, you are asking what you are doing wrong with these men, well if you want my opinin you simply run around ten too much. I know you were in love with these two, BUT you shouldn't jump through hoops DOING lots of stuff for them and helping and supporting and being perfect for them, while they haven't declared love or commited.

It's best in future if you hold back a bit UNTIL you hear from a man that he's in love and until he shows he really cares and wants to comit. Obviously I don't mean to be cold towards your bf, but express your affection without doing a lot of stuff for them. You seem to play the 'strong and capable' role from the start while they use you because it's just all there and convenient. It's like you are seen in a motherly role. Wait ill you know that he is in love and tells you this and acts like he cares, before you let them live with you rent free, or genearlly try very hard to please.

artsy I don't believe he has used you. Ultimately you were in a relationship that has run it's course. Regardless of whether OW turned up or not he had made it clear he didn't want any commitment with you. He had started cooling off and the relationship may have limped on for a bit longer but it would have ended sooner or later.

The reason he us tearing her differently will be because he either lives her and always has or she's his next conquest I suspect it's the live thing though.

I do think you have to take some responsibility for the way you are being treated now. You know about OW and the fact his been cooling off but you are still clinging on. His not that bothered about you and his treating you that way. But, ultimately you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. You are allowing this to happen.

Let him go and if he truly loves you he will come back and do anything and everything to get you back.

Ignore misspells iPhone predictive text. Grrrr

You haven't been treated badly.

The first man used you- but you mothered ad maybe smothered him. I hope you can see that. Giving a man so much- including money in effect- is not a wise way to behave.

The second man has just cooled. This happens.

If these are your only experiences of being dumped by the age of 29, count yourself lucky! I'd had far more awful experiences than that by your age.

I think you need to take on board everything that has been said over the last 6 posts or so- there's some great advice- listen to it.

OP, I haven't got much to add that hasn't already been said upthread.

Only:

Step away with your dignity intact, learn a bit about yourself, build up your real confidence (not confidence based on looks/being cool/desirable etc.).

Fwiw, and as a possible cheerful side thought for you, if I had just come out of a relationship and a 'friend' gave me a fridge, I'd be totally freaked out. It's way too much, way too soon. It would put me off (if I were the 'ow') and I would find it overbearing and inappropriate, no matter how much I was in need of a friggin fridge. I can't imagine 'ow' going for your (soon to be ex?) bf to be honest.

If this guy doesn't make you feel complete loved without you having to be pretty, cool, 'fun' etc. he is sooooooo not the right guy.

Life can be pretty messy, especially if you start having your own family. Even if the 'ow' wasn't in the picture, do you think your fella would be 100% there for you in case you had problems conceiving, dealing with mc or possible complications during pregnancy, post natal challenges and the mad sleep deprivation people experience with young kids? Real Life is not that often glamorous so find yourself a guy who has substance and get some substance yourself.

Never mind about the 'ow'. She is she and you are you. No one is better or worse. I wasted too much time in my life worrying if I was as pretty, attractive, interesting etc. as other women. Now I know it just doesn't matter. My guy loves me even when I haven't shaved my legs, or am grumpy after a sleepless night. However I had to kisses plenty of frogs to find my good match.

You will too but not whilst you chase superficial qualities like being pretty, fun arty etc. but by exploring and then going for what makes you truly happy and relaxed. Good luck.

Agreed with the above. You haven't been treated badly by your current bf.

But things might turn nasty if you cling on and allow him to double date... Which he might because some people just can't commit, decide, or need the security of a backup, or even hate breaking up with people because they actually don't see themselves as a hurtful person.

But relationships simply run their course. It's just a fact of life. One partner meets someone he/she loves more (and the reasons for this we don't need to understand, because they are totally random).

If Artsy feels she's been used by these two guys, it's not really for other people to tell her she hasn't been. No-one on here can know for sure.

From all that she's written here I can understand why she feels that way, although obviously I don't know if that's the case.

Chasing one woman while you're still in a relationship with another is not ok.

It's possible that the OP was a stop gap for this guy, which is why he never invested much emotionally in the relationship & never took an interest in her, her friends & family etc. It may be that he's always been in love with this woman, or she may simply be another conquest, to whom he has now turned his attention.

If that's the case than a person with integrity would end the relationship with the OP first.

I think Artsy's current boyfriend is being pretty selfish, actually. It must be screamingly obvious to him that she is keener than he is, and he should have the courage to tell her he doesn't see the relationship as serious/long term, rather than just going a bit quiet and spending lots of time and effort on the other woman without mentioning her to Artsy.

Having said that, the OP's conviction that running round after her partners giving them everything they want (or might possibly want) will make them love her back is extremely misguided, and makes it much more likely she will attract selfish men.

But, how can the same man treat me this way and be so wonderful to another woman at the same time? That is what I don't understand

People treat you how you let them. He may know that he can't get away with behaving with her as he does with you. He may care about her more. Or it may be that he's just chasing her like he chased you at the outset...

There are many women on here who find that their DP starts treating them appallingly once there's another woman on the scene.

From your history I'd say it's really important that you're scrupulously honest with yourself about what's going on in a relationship. Don't romanticise the other person (difficult I know) because you can end up deceiving yourself. And don't invest too much time/energy/money in someone without any guarantee of commitment.

Artsy was not used. She offered herself up in a plate complete with financial support, no pesky demands like basic respect and I suspect slavish devotion.
Fair enough if that's your bag but don't complain about it after you get dumped. The time for complaints was during the relationship if she was unhappy.
She was only unhappy because her devotion did not result in appreciation and a proposal.

I think Artsy's boyfriend is being selfish, but from his point of view he's not over-promised anything. Arty's disappointment seems to relate more to not getting the fantasy she created, and not one that he ever promised. I think he needs to take a bit of responsibility and admit that he's got a younger, inexperienced girlfriend who cannot read the signs and do her a favour by telling her it's over.

I agree with posters who say the OW is probably a bit freaked out. A fridge! OP did you say it was after this that she sent him an email reiterating that he was a friend? (Almost afraid to ask this because I don't want to fuel Arsy's obsession with their relationship).

If the OP feel used she feels used. It's not for anyone else to try to judge if that's 'valid', particularly given they've never clapped eyes on the OP or her partner.

From what the OP has said here it's quite possible that he was with her for sex & companionship no intention of a deeper commitment. If the OP was not aware of the deal then of course she feels used now.

I agree with Mooncup & Stranger - I think he's quite selfish & currently dishonest.

He is using her now, if not before, by having sex with her while chasing te other woman so seriously (and being in love with ow by all accounts!). He doesn't know that OP knows this, so HE doesn't think she's just allowing him to use her. But I stanhd by my earlier post - and other posters on this page, that her whole mentality regarding relationships need to change, so she doesn't end up being used.

Twinkle, I agree with you as we crossed posts, apart from your point about her being not aware of the deal. She should never have presumed that he planned to commit, if he NEVER said that, and even never volunteered to say he loved her - she said it to him and he sort of replied. He also never wanted to meet her friends/family. The point is, in future she should not invest emotionally or make plans to havea family, until a man makes it clear that he wants the same. We all learn from these mistakes, thankfully she's young, and hopefully she''l learn at last.

The OP does have responsibility for her own behaviours in her most recent relationships too.
Railing against the man is cathartic, I suppose, but the only way OP will improve her future relationships will be by improving her self esteem and changing her thought patterns. And examining her motivations.
The OP can carry on wearing her doormat badge if she wishes but people will take advantage of that. And her. Like they already have.

The thing is the Op is fully aware of the OW and she has not really addressed this with him. She also admits that she raised the issue of commitment and he clearly had no interest so she knew even if she didn't want to admit it to herself that he didn't want to commit to her.

Ultimately she knows about OW and she is allowing herself to be used, played or whatever other term is appropriate. She's is not that young she's 29.

She's not that young but she's very inexperienced. If the first boyfriend dumped her soon after uni she was presumably single for quite a long time before this guy came along. I think a few short-term relationships would help the OP identify different types of relationship and work out better what she needs.

I agree with Scarlett though.

Yes, it was after that she sent him the email. I see what you're thinking, that she was trying to emphasize that they're just friends, but she didn't sound like she wanted to end whatever is going on between them.

I've never really seen it this way, but I guess I am kind of inexperienced. I was with my ex for 6 years, though. Plus I knew him for a few years before that too. Otherwise, I've dated but nothing really serious besides these two.

The thing with my ex was that we were friends before getting together and shared so much in common. We were both doing art, had the same friends, really got to know each other's families. We even talked about getting married and having a future together. He just had a lot of difficulty keeping his shit together, basically, and was really irresponsible. So he got in trouble a lot...nothing huge, just missing important deadlines, not signing his lease contract on time to move in, that kind of stuff. I was always there to help when he needed it. Plus, I got sick of his behavior so I tried to get him to change, just to be more responsible and not get into such a mess. He was also really into partying and all that, which is completely normal at that age and I liked that stuff too....but you can't let that be your whole life or use it to escape your problems. So i just tried to get him to grow up a little bit.

In the end, he did grow up I guess. But I think that meant outgrowing me. He graduated, got a job...and then suddenly came to me and said that he has a nice life and needs some space...and then a while later broke it off with me.

So of course he completely broke my heart. I did go out with a bunch of guys after that, but really nothing serious, just dates.

Then I met my bf and we had instant chemistry! A friend of mine (who I grew up with, not a boyfriend) works in the same department as my bf. So, he brought me along to some awfully boring department event (math + econ people in the same place is torture). So I guess I was standing around looking horribly bored and he started chatting with me. At first, I wasn't interested at all..but after talking a bit I was really taken in. Then he asked me out for drinks....and we just took it from there.

So that's my dating history