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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
BettyBotter · 02/11/2013 21:42

A fridge - fuck! (yes we are allowed to swear on this forum. One of the reasons I love it Wink) But really, a fridge ?

Sorry but that for me would be The End. You do not buy a fridge for a friend. A fridge means 'I want to be domesticated with you'. It means I want to provide a home for you. Think honestly, have you ever heard of anybody ever buying a fridge for somebody else who wasn't their partner or child? It's a massive signal.

I'd cut your losses and hold your head up high. Ditch this player, Artysy, Please.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 21:48

I know!!! And it's not as if she even asked for the fridge, at least she seemed very surprised in her email!

But then the email where she called him a friend came after the fridge.

So that's what confuses me. She can't be THAT blind...so what's her deal? is she just using him? I know it shouldn't matter, but it would make me feel better if she was.

But then, from the very little I know of her, she sounds like a nice person and he can't be that stupid either.....>?????

OP posts:
ToTheTeeth · 02/11/2013 21:49

Love makes people act stupidly...

Also. Pots. Kettles. Black

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 21:59

Artsy I am really confused with your complete obsession with OW. It doesn't matter what she does because its not her fault that he does the things he does. It's his choice to do those things - whatever his reasons are. His the problem not her.. You really need to stop obsessing over her.

The more this thread goes on the more I am starting to wonder whether we are all wasting our time trying to help or give any form of advice. You seem to completely ignore what everyone says anyway.

TreaterAnita · 02/11/2013 22:07

"A man doesn't buy you a fridge if he just wants to be your friend" may be up there as one of the best lines I've ever read on the Internet...

Seriously though, as much as you'd like him to be, he is not the one for you. Walk away with your head held high (and then laugh your arse off when she rejects him).

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 22:08

I swear, I'm not ignoring it. But I can't really do anything yet because we're in different cities now, I can't even have a proper conversation with him right now. I can't just swtich off my thoughts though.

I have tried to take a few steps, I'm actually at my friend's place now, but she has work to do so it gives me a bunch of free time, which I spend thinking. BUT we did go out, which made me feel a lot better and we are going out again a bit later.

I haven't done anything stupid since completely pushing his poor friend for information. I actually feel like such an idiot for doing that now and can understand why she was so harsh towards me. But I did apologize and ended things on a positive note, so I'm pretty happy about that.

I haven't called him, which I really want to do, but it would be a terrible idea right now.

Besides, the more I think about it, the more I hate him..which is a change from a few days ago. The last time I was with him, we did have sex and I was so heartbroken thinking about how all this could possibly end and I may not be with him again.

But now, I DO feel stronger. I feel angry but that's slightly better than sad.

And I just can't get over OW...I am obsessed, I admit it. I know this isn't her fault, but I hate her...I want her to be this horrible bitch, even though all evidence suggests that she's not that way at all

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 22:12

BTW, you guys have been pretty tough towards me, but I know you're trying to help me out. I think you're all really lovely people, just wanted to put that out there Smile

OP posts:
cjel · 02/11/2013 22:12

Whatever evidence there is about how wonderful or not OW is They now have no part in your life - either of them. You are ignoring what we say! Why on earth do you need a proper conversation? He is not in your life any more get over him!!!

ToTheTeeth · 02/11/2013 22:16

Cjel I think they do need a proper conversation as the OP's boyfriend has only ended it by neglect, not direct actions. Most likely he will keep calling and wanting to see her if he's bored/lonely. He's keeping the OP dangling until the OW can commit, so I'm not sure he would just go off radar if she went NC.

Plus it will be good for her to be assertive and end the situation rather than letting him continue to have it all his way not that it is all going his way as he hasn't got the one thing he wants - the OW.

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 22:20

Artsy- have you had a few drinks :) ? Your posts seem different....

I am wondering if you are taking anything in, too.

Did this guy ever say he loved you? Was there anything concrete to make you think there was a future in this all?

Are you going to admit that your imagination ran away with you- that you weren't seeing the relationship for what it was?

I'm sorry but unless you start actually acknowledging some truths and stop obsessing over another woman, then I'm beginning to think you may be a little unhinged....

cjel · 02/11/2013 22:29

totheteeth I knowSmile but I don't think she should spend any more time on this phase of her life!!! She wants to 'fight' for him and find out everything about OW so she will'win'!!! I think she should walk awaySmile

ToTheTeeth · 02/11/2013 22:30

Oh I agree in walking away! She just needs to make sure he knows she's done it.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 22:34

Artsy- have you had a few drinks
haha nope, but I did the other night...a lot...maybe I'm still feeling the effects...Confused

I understand what you're saying, but I have to tell him something. I know that he will call me when he gets back. He actually sent me a message yesterday to say he was sorry he missed my call, he got where he was going, etc...so at some point I'll have to face him again.

I have no idea what I would say either...

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 22:37

I don't think anyone is intentionally trying to be tough on you. I just think people are trying to be honest about the situation you find yourself in.. You can't make him want you more than he wants her. Trying to figure out why he wants her or what she is like is really just torturing yourself needlessly numerous people have said this right throughout the thread in one way or another

In a way I am starting to feel really sorry for OW. She will probably be going through a tough time with her divorce, house move etc. and is probably totally oblivious of what's happening between you and him. And unbeknown to her she is a major part of a topic on an Internet forum.

Refocus Op and expend your energy on what you will do with regards your relationship with him. Get clarity on what you want to discuss with him when you do see him and understand what your objective is from that conversation (eg ending or not ending the relationship if he continues behaving like he is). Something tells me that you won't end it and he will carry on as he is. I suspect this will only end when he ends it.

cjel · 02/11/2013 22:38

keep it short and sweet. Things aren't what they were and you don't want to see him any more?x

CinemaNoir · 02/11/2013 23:02

I haven't managed to read the whole thread, couldn't bring myself to do it (am cringeing.. well: many of us have been there).

You can't "lose" a man.. And especially not to another woman... If he decides to get emotionally involved with someone else (a fridge!? blimey.) then that should be the end, not the beginning of a battle!

I am wondering if you are usually get your way with things? Could your ego be behind all this? I have the impression that your hurt pride might be telling you to GET this guy and you can't figure out why you haven't managed to bag him. That must be maddening.

You are probably beautiful, popular, intelligent (most of the time ;-), even interesting and usually win over guys / situations easily. But this time you cannot win. His "friend" has a history with him (unrequited love anyone?) She is hard to get for him and I think that is part of her appeal. She is probably still emotionally involved with her ex. And let me point out that her being difficult is genuine...as opposed to just playing hard to get just so you don't get any ideas! Playing games would just prolong your crap situation.

My advice: finish it with him before he does it! Don't mention her though. Just say that you noticed he has cooled off so you won't be pursuing this relationship anymore. That would be strong.

He is going to try to keep stringing you along (sometimes people even don't want to admit to themselves that they are being weak, so he will try to cling to you possibly to not feel like the jerk he really is). He is weak.

You are strong. He's not very into you. Take it on the jaw, move on. These things happen. I am sending you hugs and remember you can get through this.

Back2Two · 02/11/2013 23:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

CinemaNoir · 02/11/2013 23:07

Oh and IMO what I wrote about this woman above is all you need to know about her. Erase her from your head after you read this. Please try!

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 23:10

Artsy- I've asked at least twice if this guy ever said he loved you or gave you good reason to think the relationship was going places...

You've ignored that question.

Ok- that's your right- ignore away!
But be honest with yourself even if you can't be honest here.

And as for what to say- again, there were loads of suggestions here, pages back. I gave ideas and so did other people.

TBH I've never known such a long thread when the situation is so simple: single woman ( young) faces unrequited love and a possible rival, man cools off. Solution- end it before he does and move on.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 23:10

Cinemanoir - I admit that I can see some of myself in what you've written. But, the two times that I've really been emotionally inbested in a relationship, I have come out feeling so used. I was with my ex for several years, I did so much for him. I even let him live at my place, rent free, until he found a place of his own, which he took full advantage of. I pulled him through school, helped him stay on his feet. Finally, when we both graduated and he got his life together, he dumped me. I was completely heartbroken.

Then I met this man and again I've ended up completely used.

So it's not as if I'm used to getting my way. I just want to know what's wrong with me that I keep getting treated this way.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/11/2013 23:13

I think your "problem" is you can't/won't recognise the red flags and keep investing in these men instead of dumping them straight away.

A problem some of us have had, and hopefully are now too wise to fall for again.:)

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 23:13

I told him I loved him....he said he felt the same way, but no...he didn't really proclaim his love for me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/11/2013 23:14

But crucially, the problem is not with you but with the men you let in your life.
You just need to filter them better.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 23:18

I think the reason I'm so obsessed is because of my past relationship and what is happening now. How used I feel. Sure, you say the problem isn't with me, it's with the men.

But, how can the same man treat me this way and be so wonderful to another woman at the same time? That is what I don't understand.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 02/11/2013 23:22

People don't actually treat all people the same. You have surely noticed this.