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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/11/2013 16:04

"That's exactly why I'm so compelled to know about her, to see what else there is that makes her so special to him."

OP, you won't ever find out, because you are not this man and cannot get inside his head.

And if you think this will give you the means to compete against this woman, see my post above. IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 17:41

Artsy the reason you are getting advice which is harsh at times is that we have all been through this- so we feel your pain but at the same time want you to minimise that.

Are you guilty of having read too much into your relationship beyond what was really there?

You see, not many women would expect to move in with a man after a few months and carry on trying to get him to commit - as you said you wanted to- if he wasn't giving out signs of wanting the same.

Has he ever said he loves you?

Has he ever talked of the future with you in it?

If not, then any prospects have been purely in your head. You've inflated what you had and that is why you feel the rug has been pulled away from under your feet.

It was a fantasy.

Can you see that?

From what you have told us you dated for what- 9 months -ish?
You thought this was the basis for a long term commitment but unless you are keeping something back, then he didn't say anything along those lines- quite the opposite in fact. You though were so intent on pursuing your goal, of 'getting him' that you chose to bat-away those signals and press on. Now you've been brought up short when you realise he liked you enough to date you but he never thought you'd walk off into the sunset together.

If you are going to learn anything from this, it's don't get ahead of yourself. Deal with the relationship you have- not the one you dream about.

Housesellerihope · 02/11/2013 17:50

I for one have been there, totally in love with a man who very obviously wasn't really that into me but was happy to give me the minimum attention I needed for him to keep getting sex. Of course someone he liked better came along and he dumped me for her. It was extremely painful and I felt completely humiliated. BUT then I met my amazingly wonderful DH who is my best friend and favourite person in the world. We're currently in the process of living happily ever after and I'm so glad the other guy is long gone. You will feel better and you will one day wonder what on earth you ever saw in this guy. The important thing is trying not to lose your dignity in the meantime!

Lweji · 02/11/2013 18:09

how women should find someone who will be a good provider provider, and steadiness, and having a good job, and and so on. (Sex in the City has done SO MUCH DAMAGE in this sense, I think)

Clearly you haven't watched Sex and the City.
Although this thread does remind me of it. Hmm More about the angst of why doesn't he love me, why does he love her, I need to find out about her.
Maybe I haven't been this much in love, but I somehow have the feeling that you, Artsy, are not that much in love with him. It seems more about you. Why isn't this man falling all over you, but he is this woman.

Without this woman in the picture, what would you have done? He was cooling off, obviously not that much into you, would you you keep pressuring him for commitment? Or would you have let go of him and moved on?

Lavenderhoney · 02/11/2013 18:10

Artsy, when you have finished with someone in the past, or cooled off, how did you handle it?

Do you have any good friends who will take you out, drink too much and tell you how great you are? And tell you to stop talking about him?:)

He likes someone else. There's nothing you can do. I doubt its anything you have done and she has no magic option that makes her that way, she just is. Wish him well, mean it, and sternly tell yourself you had a lucky escape than being with this man who seeks the company of someone else.

Its hard, but how you handle it is really important. Keep busy, keep fit, don't drunk and dial... :) You could start a thread in chat about how people have handled being left and what made them feel good, get some tips. Some might be a bit racy:)

DistanceCall · 02/11/2013 18:36

Re: SITC. I did watch it. And most of I what remember is the angst over the appropriateness/inappropriateness of a potential partner, in rather clinical terms (even if they were expressed in a "girly" way). But I suppose everyone focuses on different aspects.

Lena01 · 02/11/2013 18:45

yes the all say walk away ... however I will try to make his life a misery is so easy for guys to play with women lifes and feelings so teach him a lesson then he will think twice before he does it again to another women... guys have to understand that things are not easy people cant get away with hurting people... My husband walks out from us everybody said leave him ask for divorce well I am teaching him a lesson is not fair to ruin my life... so I am making him his life HELL my dignity is fine ... I wont be a victim not way... if I fall he falls with me... I feel better knowing that he is not happy ... some of us enjoy reveange is a personal choice... And I haven't finished with him more is coming in his way.... life is not fear so why should i be nice to him ... not way... no in my book..

Lweji · 02/11/2013 18:49

Yes, distance, but not so much in terms of how well off the potential partners were, or were they good providers, and so on. I remember strong independent women who just wanted to be loved (and/or have good sex... Wink) Certainly there was a lot of counterpoints to the usual drivel by magazines about what a good partner is about.

JaceyBee · 02/11/2013 19:07

Wow Lena you sound...a little unhinged! I really think you need to try to move on.

'A (wo)man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green'.

LunaticFringe · 02/11/2013 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 20:33

Lena you really are taking the scorned woman to your own level Grin. If it works for you, it works for you.. Op on the other hand is a 29 year old young woman, no kids, not married whose only been with this guy between 9-12 months and they were never that serious. Personally I think she would be wasting an awful lot of energy turning into the stereotypical "single white female" type stalker. Although Lena I would be interested in hearing how you think Op should make his life hell! Grin

ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 20:56

hahahaha wow lena I'm not quite at that level yet, although I like your thinking Wink

But if you have any suggestions please do share! haha

Besides, I've been thinking....this might come back to bite him in the a** (am I allowed to swear on this forum??) if OW rejects him...

I mean, come on, she has to get that he's into her! He even bought her a fridge! I saw this in one of their emails and his email also had the confirmation/recepit. He had it delivered to her place and she wrote to him all surprised like...I can't believe you did this, it's perfect, please send me the receipt so I can pay you back...and then he responded all like I'm happy to help, don't worry about paying me back, I'll call you later bla bla bla. I don't know if she ever paid him back, but seriously, a man doesn't buy you a fridge if he just wants to be your friend. Especially someone who is so useless at domestic stuff as he is...his apartment is one of those pre-furnished ones, he has a cleaner in twice a week to do everything, and cooking pretty much never happens!

So who knows, she might reject him and keep that big fridge all to herself...

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 21:03

@Lavenderhoney "keep busy, keep fit, don't drunk and dial"

It's so funny you say that, I went out the other night, ALMOST did that...my friend literally took my phone from me and wouldn't give it back! Going out again tonight and she said I have to hand over my phone before we start drinking haha

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 02/11/2013 21:03

Did he ever buy you a fridge?

ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 21:04

hahaha NO! He never bought me any type of appliance before Envy

OP posts:
Vivacia · 02/11/2013 21:04

STOP OBSESSING!!

Lweji · 02/11/2013 21:06

this might come back to bite him in the a (am I allowed to swear on this forum??) if OW rejects him...

Quite.

That's why he hasn't broken off with you yet.

Which is one reason she may reject him. I would.

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 21:09

Artsy you are back on the OW again. Hmm. Ha ha ha

ToTheTeeth · 02/11/2013 21:11

Exactly. He knows the OW isn't locked down so he's keeping the OP hanging around for sex and company when it suits him. As it has suited him for the past 9-12 months.

OP he bought her a fridge and he's bought you nothing. That is humiliating. I can understand why you're reacting strongly, but you seem to be letting those emotions floor you. Have you even decided that you're going to end it?

Lweji · 02/11/2013 21:12

I'd have sent a text ending it by now.

ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 21:14

I can't say that I never got anything from him! I mean he's bought me presents before, but nothing that substantial...although when we traveled he paid all the expenses. Here's the thing, I am not with him because of his money and I really wanted him to know that so I never asked for anything either.

And what bugs me is that he thought about getting her a fridge if that makes sense. Like he knew what she needed, he searched for it and got it. The things he got for me were nice gifts like some jewellery for my birthday, that type of thing...but he never took the care or time to think of what I would actually need and make it happen.

OP posts:
cjel · 02/11/2013 21:18

A fridge - wow- what a romantic!!

ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 21:20

A fridge - wow- what a romantic!!

HAHA I KNOW!! But I get the idea that she's not all that into romance right now, being divorced and all

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 02/11/2013 21:38

my friend literally took my phone from me and wouldn't give it back!

You have good friends :) Keep them!

useless at domestic stuff ... pre-furnished, has a cleaner, and cooking pretty much never happens!

And you wanted to set up home with this guy, who doesn't even live in his own life Hmm Boy, can you do better than that.

ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 21:42

garlicbutter I think that was all part of my dumb fantasy to make a nice, real home for him...for both of us Sad

OP posts: