Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

I don't understand why you want to find something that makes you better... better by whos standards?

Is that how you compare yourself to other woman.. by seeing how much better you are than them?

You're going to drive yourself nuts lass.

How often we see each other varies, depends on both our work schedules and things like that. We don't live together, which is what I really wanted right now. I didn't expect to get married or anything yet. I've brought up the issue of moving in together, but he wasn't very responsive! He said he would think about it, sort of avoided talking about it. I thought that if I just gave him some time, maybe kept pushing a bit, he would open up to the idea. This was actually a few months ago!!

Sometimes we would spend several days together, usually at his place because I live with someone, and sometimes wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks or so. BUT, even when we didn't see each other, we'd still talk on the phone and there would be a good reason, like one of us had some commitment.

You're right, we do date quite a lot, like going to different places and doing activities. But we also spend a lot of time together at his place, just talking, doing day to day stuff together. I've gotten to know the people that are important in his life, except his parents (his mom doesn't live here and his dad passed away) but I have met his brother and spent time with him. He's met my family!! I've also met people he works with and he has brought me to work related events.

Anyway, he changed very suddenly in the past few weeks. We haven't seen each other much or talked. When I called him, he just said he was busy, made some excuses, or whatever. He made excuses about work, but I know it can't just be that. Even at time when he had a lot of work, he would still make time to see me or at least talk. Then when we were together, he was less patient with me, less interested in what I had to say. I mean, he didn't suddenly start acting like a complete asshole, it was a subtle difference.

I did try talking to him, to see if anything was going on, but he just said work, tired, bla bla bla. I thought he might want to break up with me, but he wasn't doing that. Then he would act differently on different days, like sometimes he would be very warm and attentive and other days he'd be uninterested. That's why I reached out to this woman, just to see what was happening in his life, if she even knew.

The change in his behavior seems to have started around the time OW came into the picture. She's been in town for a few weeks as well, getting settled in and so on.

Op your own posts says a lot. His clearly not that into you and its a matter of time before it ends. Quite a few people have told you to either speak to him honestly or end it. If he really cares for you, he will fight for you. I wrote about my DH either and how he was beofore we met. Most of those girls he dated met his family / friends but he had no interest in ever settling down with them. They were his "Miss Right Now"

Okay I will talk to him!!
I can't now obviously, because I can't see him until the end of next week...but then I will.

Forget about this woman.

Listen to what he's saying, FGS.

In a recent relationship, it was not that dissimilar from yours but he started pushing for holidays together and more commitment, effectively. I then felt I had to evaluate the relationship one way or the other and I had to let go. I was more decisive than your bf and it was a quick clean break, but faced with getting more committed he's telling you he wants less.

Let go of him and stop all the unhealthy drama.

I can't help it...I just think that if she hadn't shown up suddenly, he would still be the way he was and our relationship would have progressed.

It wouldn't have progressed, you discussed moving in before she came on the scene, and he never got back to you. He's dodged that bullet completely!

If you still truly believe that you were made for each other, stop contact with him for a few weeks and see if he comes chasing after you in the same way he is falling over himself with this woman. Then you'll have your answer.

I don't think you'll be too happy with the outcome though.

Oh for the love of christ, of course you can help it. You are twenty nine years old - grow up. If all it took for him to change towards you was this woman showing up, if it hadn't been her it wouldn't have been someone else. You have been Miss Right Now - grow up, face it head on and stop whinging about 'not being able to help it' and 'needing to find a way you are better than her'. It is childish and beneath any grown woman. What is it going to take to make you see sense?

He wasn't going to commit to you.

He'd have probably dropped contact to a minimum and eventually find someone else.

I just keep thinking of Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky.

I mean this kindly OP but are you inexperienced with men?

You see when I read your latest posts about how he'd cooled, I was actually cringing- even though it's not me whose involved here!

If you wrote a list of 'HOW TO SHOW A WOMAN YOU ARE NO LONGER INTERESTED' then almost every single behaviour you quoted would be on that list.

You are clearly not a dim person but you are behaving at the moment in a dim way.

It's as clear as crystal to everyone except you that this is over bar the 'goodbyes'. The withdrawal began some weeks ago yet you didn't want to see it.

I know it's hard to accept that but for your own sanity you need to draw aline under it and just end it. You really don't even need a conversation with him- just be unavailable and see what happens. My prediction is he'll disappear.

There will be at least one thing in which you are better than her. And me, and each person you meet.
So?

This is not a competition for a prize twat.

You can only gain self esteem if you avoid the comparisons and decide on the basis of the relationship itself. Anything else is just demeaning yourself.

Not read all the posts but from the first few lines saying he is 40 and never been married the red sirens should have been blaring before you even started to go out. Seen it all before so many times. If any man has not committed to anyone by the time they reach 40 then you have to be very wary. My thoughts are that he will probably spend a year or so with the new woman and then go on to the next. You are well out of it.

Artsy I have to give you credit for being completely honest on here, even when posters have been very blunt. It's not easy to admit some of the things you've admitted because they are not a nice part of anyone's character but I think you will learn from this experience.

I think most people have been in your situation, it normally occurs at a younger age but I remember being infatuated with a boyfriend when I was in my early twenties. I just couldn't get my head around why he wanted to get back with his ex, in my mind I just couldn't see the attraction in her. This said more about me than it does about her.

The one thing I would add to the brilliant advice you've been given is to remember that whilst you can't control your emotions you can control your actions. Don't be the desperate woman, deep down you know that this isn't going to be a healthy relationship so why pursue it?

I don't feel it's fair to say that a man or woman who hasn't married by they are 40 is odd in some way. There is another 'single over 35' thread here and those comments are not being replicated when it's women!
40 is not old to be single and never married. Often it's a case of just not having met the right person, or being too busy with a career etc to bother much. But it doesn't automatically mean someone has a huge personality flaw that is counterproductive to a long term relationship.

Very true Loopy, I don't ever imagine getting married and can't see myself living with anyone again. It's not that I'm some kind of commitmentphobe, I just like my own space and independence. My partner understands and respects that.

Great post at 10:07, blessedwolf, and wise :)

I admire your honesty, too, Artsy. Feeling your real feelings, and negotiating your way through them, is harder than telling yourself to grow the fuck up and ignoring the hurt stuff. Well done! Now have a GREAT weekend

I learned in my teens that if someone wasn't interested there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

Someone who is 40 and not been previously committed to someone, means they have the charm and the inclination to lead a single life, probably with multiple partners.

I know of one man who so say, met the 'woman of his dreams' when 44-45. He lives in her house with her 2 children, and now has a baby with her. Fine, you say. This house is tiny, they are cramped. He is practically a millionaire, with numerous rental houses and he is a builder!!

He has had over 2.5 years to build an extension for them all, to move to a lovely house and be a family, even to put up a conservatory so his own child [and other children] can have a room to play in, for godssake! He hasn't.

People who don't commit can cause such confusion for others, who are taken in by them. They are slippery and best left alone, it's a character defect. oh, and they love to impress people too - trips away, money, possessions etc, they get off on that.

OP you sound desperate, pushy, competitive and controlling. This man has history, fondness, affection and a friendship with this woman. Let it go. I can tell you that I still have love for someone years in my past, love doesn't die - and it certainly isn't about looks. You need to learn that too.

It's not a character flaw to remain unmarried and reject 'committed' relationships. I'm nearly 50 and have never lived with or married anyone. It's just a different way of living one's life. It could just as easily be said that the people who are gagging for commitment are the flawed ones, incapable of having a life of their own.

Ouch! Has someone hit a nerve?

SGB I agree with you. People seem to assume that if you don't live together you arent really that into rach other. Makes me cross

Yes OP - you really come across as someone who really really needs to get married to validate yourself. You dont need a man, to be a valued human being! No-one does. Be yourself, and if he likes that person, he'll be back. If not, well, at least you will like yourself.
Another point you keep making is - why does he like her, when you are younger, prettier, artier, sexier? If all it takes to 'bag' a man (that's how you come across) is to be young, sexy and pretty, then how come lots of us are married? (I'm not, BTW, and I'm perfectly happy not to be) Men - and women - are a bit 'deeper' than that. We like character, wit, sarcasm, kindness, political views, intelligence; delete as appropriate. You are you, and you should project that.

And stop trying to 'change' your BFs, they are their own persons; it's not for you to change them into your ideal man or 'make them grow up, any more than it is up to this man to change you into his.

Another point you keep making is - why does he like her, when you are younger, prettier, artier, sexier?

That isn't what I'm saying at all. I think she has all those attributes (except maybe the artiness).

That's exactly why I'm so compelled to know about her, to see what else there is that makes her so special to him.

BTW thanks to the people who said I was brave for being honest. That's why I wanted to talk to people I don't know personally, it's much easier to say all this than to someone I know. And what I really want is to work through these feelings before I talk to him again so that I don't act like a complete idiot, which I would have done a day or 2 ago, but I feel slightly stronger already.

I may be wrong but I don't think bluebird was saying everyone that chooses to remain a bachelor or bachelorette and not commit to someone live with them, marry them etc. has a character flaw. I read her post as those that lead others on making someone think they will commit with no intention of ever committing has a character flaw (eg her example). I would say most people have some form of character flaw. You could say those that are desperate to jump into relationships and are constantly hounding their partners to commit or have a child when they other person isn't ready or doesn't want to have a character flaw too. This situation isn't about anyone having a character flaw. It's about a guy that looks to have been in what he considers a casual relationship with a beautiful younger fun woman who he doesn't want to commit too. I think his made his position on commiting to Op very clear. Then along comes the "one that got away" and he may have a chance to get into a relationship with her. And the younger woman that has been dreaming of the "happily ever after" is coming to realise her dreams may all be shattered.

I genuinely feel for the pain you are going through Op. It's awful to have all your dreams and hopes shattered. But you never know, until you speak to him everything we are all saying on this thread is basically based on assumptions and hearsay.

I also agree with those that have pointed out that your obsession to understand why this woman is so attractive or special to him is pointless. It's a bit like saying how long is a bit of string! Also its not about her, it's about you and how you want to live your life.

Maybe I'm making terrible cultural assumptions here, but all this makes me think of the American tendency to view relationships in term of desirable traits in the potential partner. You read all these endless articles on "settling" and how women should find someone who will be a good provider provider, and steadiness, and having a good job, and and so on. (Sex in the City has done SO MUCH DAMAGE in this sense, I think). Hence the OP's going crazy comparing herself to the other woman. It makes no sense in purely utilitarian terms.

The point is whether you fall in love and then go on to genuinely love the other person, in my opinion. It's not a laundry list you tick items off. It's not about finding the best option in the market. It's about love.

This man doesn't seem to be in love with you or love you, OP. There's nothing you can do about it. It's not a market interaction.