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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 01/11/2013 21:36

I wouldn't get too involved with this 'friend' as a PP said you don't know her motives.

I would concentrate on yourself . Stop digging for info about the OW which I suspect you may be tempted to still do.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 21:40

Oh no, the "friend" was just coffee....I'm spending the weekend with a really old friend of mine and maybe seeing some other friends too. Nobody related to him in any way.

I admit it, though, I am tempted to dig for info....but I know I can't ask this lady anymore because she won't go there again. I mean it's all I've been thinking about the entire week...but I'm hoping this weekend will take my mind off it a bit and give me a new perspective? maybe..?

OP posts:
nauticant · 01/11/2013 22:52

I think you need to stop looking at this as a drama you're at the centre of. Decide what you want and find a low key way of getting there.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/11/2013 00:18

I think the friend's probably on the phone to the bloke right now going 'Well, I've tried, but she's not taking it in, now you go and tell the mad cow she's dumped and if she doesn't stop stalking you there'll be police involvement.'

Doinmummy · 02/11/2013 00:22

That's exactly what I think SGB. If the friend has known the bloke for 15 years then her allegiance will surely be with him and not the OP

FolkGirl · 02/11/2013 07:00

Unless she really does think he's out of order for his blossoming relationship with this other woman and stringing her along when she might be saying to him, "you're being a bit of an arse. She's really upset about this, it's doing her head in, and I'm running out of things to say. She's lot listening to me, will you please just tell her. You're being a bit of a shit to be honest"

But either way, the outcome is the same.

Housesellerihope · 02/11/2013 07:43

I really doubt he's behind this "friend" warning you about the potential OW because he seems happy to string you along until he finds out whether he can have her. I think it's either that the "friend" wants you out of the way as she doesn't like you or she feels she's doing her duty by telling you what he won't. No way you can find out why and it doesn't much matter anyway. You're doing the right thing by ignoring all three of them.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/11/2013 07:53

SGB don't be so harsh. This man hasn't actually had the decency to acknowledge his feelings or that he has been cooling off, and he certainly hasn't ended the relationship. OP is absolutely entitled to be shocked, upset and confused that her boyfriend of a year has suddenly gone off her and fancies someone else but refuses to acknowledge it. Sure, the dignified and sane thing would be to walk away but OP also wants to make sure she's walking away over something substantial, not a passing whim.
I know you don't do jealousy but have a bit of empathy for those who do, eh?

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 08:03

It's hardly a police matter LOL- SGB!

I've noticed you're trigger happy when it comes to suggesting the law if you think someone is 'stalking' and harassing.
Crikey- the OP has done nothing that suggests stalking- she's just upset.

It's all speculation whether this man and the friend are in cahoots. Most likely not imo and the friend is merely an observer who wishes now she'd never said anything.

Artsy make your own mind up what you next course of action is and don't talk to the friend about it. It's all a bit teenager-ish to confide in a mutual friend like this, trying to prise info from them in order to plan your next move.

You're a grown woman so be a bit more dignified over it all.

jonicomelately · 02/11/2013 08:29

The OP is not stalking the boyfriend FFs.

blessedwolf · 02/11/2013 10:07

OP - you have painted a very vivid picture in your posts of what life is like for you right now. And I do sympathise. You sound disappointed, confused, let down, angry and bewildered. You are checking your DP's phone, reading his emails and asking for info behind his back. Because you don't trust him and feel out of control. You don't know what's going on - you want answers but you don't really know what questions to ask because you don't know the full picture. It sounds horrible.
Just take a few minutes now to stop and really take in what you're feeling. You feel that panic? That anger? That uncertainty? That's not love. Love doesn't make you anxious. A sound relationship doesn't feel bewildering. Love is not about second-guessing and clutching at straws.
Love should feel secure and safe. You should feel secure and emotionally safe in your relationship. If you don't, if instead you feel angry or confused or just shit about yourself, then it isn't the right relationship for you. And you deserve much much more.

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 10:46

Op what I really don't understand is why you are so intent on finding out information about your boyfriend and OW from a third party? I know everyone is different and not everyone has the strength to face these really difficult conversations but why not, stop the games and have an adult conversation with your boyfriend? Tell him you know about his historic feelings for OW, you know how much time his been spending with and you know that his at her call/whim. Ask him out right if he has feelings for her. Tell him how this situation is affecting you and that you want him to have some distance with the OW. If he really loves you and wants to be with you he will respect your feelings. If as most suspect his using you as a stop gap till he can woo OW or waiting till she gets to a place were she feels ready for a relationship, then you will find out because he won't stop seeing her. In that case you really need to find some strength and dump his arse. If on the other hand tis is just you reading way too much into their friendship and getting yourself wound up then he will do whatever he can to make you feel secure again. It sounds like his already having an EA and the only thing stopping this relationship progressing and him officially dumping you is OW.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/11/2013 10:53

At no point has the OP ever mentioned this man telling her that he considers her a serious partner and has plans for a future with her. She states that she has been trying to make him commit for several months and that he's been cooling off. I wonder if this man is aware that she considers him The One, and is backing off because as far as he was concerned it was never more than a casual relationship in the first place.

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 10:57

SGB - And?
I think that's where we all came in around 10 pages back.

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 11:00

Littlepeapod- she DID ask him those questions though not in as much detail as you describe( see her posts some pages back) and he denied it all. I think that is part of the problem- that he's said one thing but done another. Keeping his options open perhaps, not wanting to hurt her, having sex on tap in the meantime ( though even that has gone off the boil) ,hoping she will read the signs.... who knows.

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 11:05

Loopy she asked a valed and vague question, I read that but she hasn't had an adult conversation and got it out in the open. Op is beating round the bush with him because I suspect she knows if she really pushes for the truth he will dump her and currently she's hoping that its all in her head.

Op you are driving yourself up the wall. You too are playing games and hoping for a reaction but honestly you need to just deal with this and face the situation head on.

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 11:25

I do agree with you in the main.

I think the problem potentially is that he will 'play dumb' and deny anything, which leaves her back to square one- unless she decides in advance of any conversation what she plans to do- ie dump him!

Some men are very good at creating a situation where the woman is forced to do the dumping- just so they won't be labelled a bastard. It's possible this guy will say 'Oh it's all in your head love, but if you really want to split, well so be it'. And it almost lets him off the hook.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 11:33

It's just really hard to do the right, mature thing within a matter of days. This is what I've been saying. I tried talking to him when I first found out about OW, but he denied it. The thing is that I didn't know all the details I know now. I've only had the opportunity to see him once since then (when I checked his phone).

It doesn't make sense to me to break up with someone just like that. I hear something, he denies it, so dump him right away? I wanted to know what was going on first!

I honestly don't care what this friend's intentions are. Like I said, I believe her but it's not important to me right now.

I do want to talk to him, but there is still no way that I can be sane and rational about it now. I feel like I'll just start crying and screaming at him. The more I've found out about ow and their relationship, the more painful it is for me. It's like an emotional rollercoaster and it's only been a few days since I found all this out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 11:33

But i do feel that now, knowing all the things I do, I can confront him in a dfferent way than I did before.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 02/11/2013 11:36

But why do I want to know about OW?
Well, it's been helpful finding out about their relationship, how he feels, etc....because that is stuff I feel I have to know before makin a decision and obviously he won't come out and tell me.

And the other reason is just my own crazy emotions. I just want to find out what the hell is so great about her. I mean I looked her up, saw her photo, she's beautiful and the more I keep finding out about her, the more she seems to be a nice person. I just want to find one damn thing that makes me feel like I'm better. STUPID I KNOW, but it's what I feel.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesAGoodBang · 02/11/2013 11:38

Look - you are creating a mountain out of a molehill and you are making a fool of yourself. You have been together less than a year. You said This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled -

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 11:40

Ultimately her decision is simple. She puts up with been treated like a door mat or develops some self respect and tells him she won't put up with his shit.

At the end of the day his happy with the situation and using the excuse that "men creat situations where the woman is forced to do the dumping" just doesn't wash. Whether or not his abelled a "bastard" is irrelevent. At the moment his got her at his call and whim. Gets his rocks off with her whilst chasing the woman he really wants. If she chooses to stay in that situation then that's a choice she makes but she can't whinge about it.

She has full control of what happens in her life and what she finds acceptable/will put up with.

LittlePeaPod · 02/11/2013 11:43

Sorry about miss spells... Bleeding iPhone predictive text..

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 11:58

I agree with Chipping. :)

Are you always so overly emotional and unable to talk to someone without losing it? Maybe this is something you need to work on- seriously, being a diva is not a good look!!

Look, it's not complicated. You say it's 'hard to mature' and do the right thing in a matter of days but you've had 29 years to mature- you aren't 15 years old dealing with your first boyfriend, are you?

Even without this woman on the scene, there was enough evidence to tell you that the relationship was on a downward spiral. That in itself should have been enough for you to consider ending it- but unfortunately you seem desperate to hang on to him even though it's clearly not working for him in the same way.

Have you considered at all that he might be trying to let you down gently? Unless he is stupid then he'll know you are keen. He'll also know he can't give you what you want. Does it occur to you that he's hoping you will take the hint???

One thing you haven't told us is how often you see him and the sort of things you do together. It sounds as if even though you have dated for a year, it's all rather casual still and you don't see each other that often. What's the score on that- do you see him once week, every day, what kind of relationship is it? You see in my head, without more info from you, I have the impression that it's all a bit casual and you are the one who's kept it going.

Loopyloulu · 02/11/2013 12:03

And the OW- forget her! Honestly, there have been a zillion posts from people telling you that you cannot find a rational reason why someone likes one person over another. Trying to find one thing that makes you better is just plain stupid. She's not better she's just different from you. Can't you understand this? It's like me saying I like pink more than blue- it's not rational- I just do! (I don't actually but you get the point.)