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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/11/2013 08:23

That is a good idea, but you should tell him something.
Maybe that you will take a few days to evaluate your relationship and will let him know when you're ready to talk?

ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 08:26

@ malinaaa
"I feel like your relationship was more about his personal satisfaction. Even if he introduced you to people he knows or took you travelling, those things were really for him, not you. He enjoys being with certain people and going to places and wanted some company."

I was thinking about this myself and just realized it the other day! Like earlier this year he took me to a conference with him in a really great place. And like an idiot, I kept thinking....wow this is so great, he is bringing me to this wonderful location where all these important people from his profession will be, he must really care about me. But really he could have brought anyone. Sad

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 08:28

And okay, I will listen to your advice and tell him. We already talked about her earlier this week, so I'm sure he'll know what's going on!! What if he asks if it's because of her, should I just be honest?

The last thing I want is to get into a fight with him now. I just want a short break!!

OP posts:
loopyloulo · 01/11/2013 08:39

I'd try REALLY hard not to mention the OW- but it will be hard for you. If you do mention her you risk saying too much and coming over like a possessive green eyed monster :)

Not dignified.

I'd be inclined to say you have noticed that things seem to have cooled, changed etc between you recently. You don't have to say more than that. You could say that you don't want to carry on when the relationship seems to be heading backwards rather than forwards.

If he asks if the OW is behind this reaction then I'd throw it over to him and say ' Well I haven't changed, so do you have any idea why things have cooled?'

If he plays dumb then ignore and just press on and tell him that you are not getting enough out of the relationship, you want more from any man, so i'ts time to call it a day.

something like that!

FolkGirl · 01/11/2013 08:39

If he asks if it's because of her, I would just reply, "I've already told you why. I'm not discussing it any more. I'll contact you when I get back."

And then don't engage. There won't be a fight if you don't engage.

FolkGirl · 01/11/2013 08:43

There's no need to throw it back to him, he'll know full well what's going on.

Vivacia · 01/11/2013 08:54

I liked Loopy's advice.

ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 08:57

Ok ok ok....I'll talk to him later today and just try to be as cool as I possibly can about it...not always easy for me (which I'm sure you've guessed), but let's see what happens

OP posts:
cjel · 01/11/2013 09:01

am wishing you cool ArtsySmilex

loopyloulo · 01/11/2013 09:02

Practise in front of the mirror first and be prepared for him to get under your skin so have some 'cover all ' phrase ready - like someone else said- 'I don't think we need to go into detail- it's just not working for me any more'.

ALittleStranger · 01/11/2013 09:08

I think it's really good you're getting some time away, it sounds like you're already starting to see things more clearly.

But I agree with others you should say something before you go away, to stop this becoming an avoidance technique. Also I do worry about the advice your friends will give you.

I also suspect you won't have to justify yourself too much to your BF. He knows what he's been doing and his biggest complaint will be that you've taken control of his timetable.

garlicvampire · 01/11/2013 14:38

Well done, Artsy :) Good luck with the call ... then kick back and have a weekend for YOU!

ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 14:44

Ugh so I tried calling him and can't get through. I just realized that he's actually going away today for a work thing and will be gone almost all next week. I guess there's no point telling him I'll be gone because he won't even be around. No wonder he kept calling yesterday he probably wanted to say goodbye before his trip. So stupid even when I try to do the right thing he screws me up!!! Argh this man!!

OP posts:
garlicvampire · 01/11/2013 14:57

Oh, sod it Grin Send him a text or a voicemail. And you have the whole of next week to be YOU!

Anything you used to like doing, but have sort of ignored while you were seeing him? This looks like the time to get back with it!

Doinmummy · 01/11/2013 15:21

Been lurking and just wanted to say that I wonder if your 'source' has fed back to him the things you have discussed with her. I'll bet she has and your man is already aware of your feelings.

I also wonder if the 'source' has been asked to have a word with you.

Doinmummy · 01/11/2013 15:28

I also wonder if the 'source' has been asked to have a word with you in order to try and subtlety put you off him

ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 15:32

Omg actually she, the 'source' lady called me to apologize for being so harsh I'm actually seeing her today before I go. I don't think he knows that she's been speaking to me. She seems really adamant that she doesn't want to be involved. Basically this is how it started with her. I'm the one who first confided in her about his behavior change. I thought she's be a good person to speak to because she has known him for almost 15 years and her husband use to live with him. So she then told me about ow.

Just now on the phone she said that she REALLY hates being involved but that she thinks I'm a nice person and that she doesn't think this is fair, which is why she told me but that otherwise she doesn't want to get involved or cause some drama.

She also said that she was so harsh because my behavior scared her a bit....like I was so adamant to find out about ow that she actually thought I was going to try and contact her myself or something.

I don't know....I trust her....but were having a quick coffee today before I go because he is worried about me!!!

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 15:34

Sorry didn't mean to say he is worried about me, she is...I'm on my phone so typing badly haha

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 01/11/2013 15:41

She seems really adamant that she doesn't want to be involved

She seems to be getting very involved Hmm

cjel · 01/11/2013 15:41

In that case, don't discuss it with her, it may be weird for a while not talking about 'him' but it will get easier as you practice. we had joint friends and now we are very easy discussing a million and one things except my ex.

ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 15:45

Well okay you're only getting the story from my perspective...i think it would be different if you could actually see the situation. Like last time I saw her was pretty horrible and I was really upset, I think that's why she reached out to me. Plus I really kept pushing her to tell me stuff and she was pretty hesitant but I wouldn't stop! And se got pretty pissed off last time too haha

OP posts:
cjel · 01/11/2013 15:51

In that case def, def, just apologise and agree not to discuss it any moreSmile

Housesellerihope · 01/11/2013 17:32

The thing is you really have no way of knowing the motivations of this "friend" of yours. I definitely wouldn't discuss the matter with her any further.

Also, try to stop thinking that this OW is in any way better or more worthy than you are. She's just different and may be more like what this guy (who frankly sounds like a bit of a troll who has money) wants. But there are men out there who would rather be with you than her as well. It's about compatibility rather than intrinsic value.

Vivacia · 01/11/2013 19:52

I don't understand this. You describe your behaviour as being inappropriate, difficult, over-the-top but just laugh it off. Do you want to try to gain a bit of dignity and respect in your catch-up with this woman tomorrow?

ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 21:33

Well I had coffee with her, it was fine. Quick and I didn't do anything stupid, apologized...she apologized too and said that if I need anything to let her know. So, whatever, at least we're okay....

I've just been thinking about how ridiculous this whole situation is. He's hurting me so much and he doesn't even know the extent of it!

I know you're right, him wanting her doesn't make her better than me, but it certainly feels that way.

Plus I can't stop wondering whether she wants him too. I just keep imagining the two of them getting married, having kids, whatever...it's awful.

I wonder if she's into him too. I think that as much as he may care about her, he isn't stupid. He wouldn't be pursuing her this intensely if he wasn't getting some encouragement from her. And I don't understand why he doesn't care about me!!! Sad

But at this point, I'm just thinking he can go F himself. I just want to have some fun and forget all this as much as I can.

Thanks everyone for the advice, have a nice weekend!!

OP posts: