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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 31/10/2013 14:20

I think people sometimes fall for characteristics in other people they'd like for themselves - maybe you'd like to feel more sure of yourself... have a stronger sense of identity etc...

loopyloulu · 31/10/2013 14:22

Artsy just another thought for you...

One of the reasons my ex-ex gave for finding it hard to end it with let's call her Sam, was that she was so 'nice'. He kept telling me Sam was so 'nice, pretty, fit, and really loved him..'

In contrast I was 'difficult' Grin (aka as a right PITA- only joking)

So it goes to show that trying to be all things to a guy and make yourself into the person you think they'd like just aint gonna work.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 31/10/2013 15:42

Everything loopyloulu says!

OP you can make yourself funnier, prettier, slimmer, whatever, it won't make a difference. If he loves someone else there's nothing you can do about it. I'm not saying it's not bloody painful, of course it is!

Having two failed relationships doesnt mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means you haven't found the right person yet. But you do need to stop trying to control how your relationship evolves. If the person you're with is the right one, then with a bit of communication it'll go the way you both want it to.

FolkGirl · 31/10/2013 15:48

Artsy I have spent wasted a lot of time trying to make a wrong relationship right.

I've now re-entered the world of dating and this time round I'm not taking any crap. At the first sign of them not being as interested in me as they should be, I have ended it. And I will continue to do so. It doesn't matter how much I think I might like them, I'm not doing it again.

KatieScarlett2833 · 31/10/2013 16:20

One of my best friends is 46 and a serial monogamist.
His relationships last approx 3-24 months. They end either because he won't commit (won't even move in) or he dumps them for a new model.
He would deny it if asked (when sober) but I know the reason why he is like this (because he has told me more than once).
When he was 20, he was engaged to my best friend. Due to youth and being the only one of his social group in a committed relationship he asked BFF for a break.
Now BFF has healthy self esteem. She told him where to shove his break and promptly met and married her now DH.
He has never recovered from the shock. He genuinely thought he could have a single man break for 6 months then marry BFF and live happily ever after.
No woman he has met (and there have been legions) has ever measured up to BFF.
He is waiting for her marriage to go tits up so he can get her back. A big part of him believes this will happen.
(It just might, BFF is none too happy with DH at present).

I'm saying this to illustrate that nothing the women he dates do, says or thinks matters. His heart is and always has been elsewhere.
Like your mans.

RaspberryGirl · 31/10/2013 17:11

I've been following this thread and can no longer lurk...

OP I ended a relationship with a 40 year old recently and I would hazard a guess that at his age your man knows what he wants and if you were it he'd be dragging you down the aisle, thanking his lucky stars that you finally came into his life, not dilly dallying about. There is a reason why he has not married earlier, be it because he is a commitment phobe, holding a torch for OW or maybe he just hasn't met the right girl.

Ending it with someone you really like/love but isn't "The One" is awful and heartbreaking been there a few times but sometimes you've got to just suck it up and do it. I'm not lying/kidding myself any longer which is the worst place to be. You can pretend to everyone else that all is ok, but you can't kid yourself.

Good luck. Grab some mates and go have some single girl fun!

loopyloulu · 31/10/2013 17:20

I also know a man ( another one...) who when he was 40, dated a younger woman ( 15 years younger ) for a decade. He told me- and I believed him- that he had told he he would never marry her as she wasn't The One. I assume she hung on thinking he'd change his mind. She was Asian too as it happens, but living in the West as a working woman, though don't want to make this a cultural debate.

Guess what- he married another woman when he was 50, after a whirlwind 6 months dating.

I don't know what happened to the Cling-on GF- maybe she used him in the same way as he was using her- company until something better came along. But if she did hang on hoping he'd want her she was sorely disappointed.

Ohnoitsgonewrong · 31/10/2013 17:41

Oh my god loopyloulu that's awful !!

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 31/10/2013 17:49

@ Loopyloulu thats an awful story Sad I actually do believe there is a cultural aspect involved here and in my problem as well, but there are probably a million reasons why.

@ Raspberrygirl thanks for sharing your story. You're completely right, he knows exactly what he wants

I actually spent the whole day thinking about this. How I felt so excited and happy to included in his life, but now that I come to think of it he never made a big effort to be a part of my life, if that makes sense. Like I said, I traveled with him, met a lot of people in his life. It's not as if he's completely disinterested in my life, especially because I have a pretty cool job in animation and design, so he took an interest in that. However, he didn't really make the effort to socialize with my friends, learn about my hobbies, or culture even.

Plus he is quite set in his ways and really knows what he likes and dislikes, what he wants to do and doesn't and I always had to bend to what he wanted. At the time, like I said I thought it was a part of his character and I didn't mind. But now looking back I can see the pattern.

Then this brings me back to thinking about OW and how angry I am really. I mean, he seems completely different with her, running around doing what she wants. Literally....from her emails and messages....she wants to go to X place, he would take her, she wants something, he will get it for her. I think I'll never understand Sad

OP posts:
RaspberryGirl · 31/10/2013 18:03

He is quite set in his ways

He will be at 40. Another reason to tell yourself this is who he is!

Have a listen to The Supremes - You Keep Me Hanging On (Not quite the exact same situation as yours but it should ring true. Sing it out loud to yourself!)

LittlePeaPod · 31/10/2013 18:18

I agree with the posts saying he will know what he wants. I met my DH when he was 38. He had spent his entire life living as a bachelor (dating lots of very attractive ladies and longest relationship was 18 months). He had never lived with anyone and my MIL had come to accept she would never get any GC from him. He has always said that he knew when we met that if I felt the same he would marry me and wanted a family. We were living together within months of meeting. His reason for never committing before is he just wasn't interested until we met.

The reason I am sharing this is to demonstrate that people (men and women) just know what they want. They will commit to who they fall for and you don't have to convince them.

Spoke to DH about this thread. His view was that this guy isn't that bothered. This OW is either the one that got away or his hugely sexually attracted to her. Regardless of the attraction, his lost interest in you. Not a nice thought but DH thinks that whilst he can't have OW and his still getting sex off you he will keep you hanging on.

KatieScarlett2833 · 31/10/2013 18:28

Haha. DH was younger, but a terrible commitment phobe, bad boyfriend pre me.
Turns out all he was waiting for was a short, angry, demanding, cooking and ironing refusenik.
The heart wants what it wants Smile

LittlePeaPod · 31/10/2013 18:44

the heart wants what the heart wants. Couldn't agree more..

loopyloulu · 31/10/2013 18:58

Artsy it's awful yet it's not awful- about the guy who dated for 10 years. (He was another ex...long story....) and a really good guy. I used to ask him- we stayed friends- if he was being fair to the woman- she was an air hostess- and he told me he had made it absolutely clear that he would not marry her. I am 100% sure he was being honest ( with me and her) so it was her choice and she was also away quite a lot with her job anyway. He married someone from the far east too and it was a really fast move! But I think by then he was getting desperate ( at 50) and she was super keen.

Lweji · 31/10/2013 22:28

I think I'll never understand

You do, because you did it for him.

The problem is he doesn't love you enough (or he felt secure in you, as you were bending to his will).
He has to conquer her. It looks like he'll do anything. Because he loves her. She's the one.

For all we know, if /when she becomes "his", he may well turn into the person he was with you. But that's another matter.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 01:36

Oh man it hasn't even been a day since I decided to cool off and I already can't stand it. He called me twice earlier and I ignored the call...but no messages, nothing. Now I really want to talk to him Sad

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/11/2013 05:23

You're ignoring him? I guess someone recommended you do that, but I don't ty

Vivacia · 01/11/2013 05:25

...think that's a good idea. It's confusing and unfair. Can you just tell him that you've felt his feelings towards you cooling so you just need the weekend to yourself?

comingintomyown · 01/11/2013 05:51

I agree be a grown up and tell him properly you want to call it a day even if you dont go into the ins and outs of it with him

It will be hard but you will have the consolation of knowing you made a stand for your own self worth. Remember he is just a man not a god and at 29 you will almost certainly meet another man.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 01/11/2013 07:52

I just want to get away from this situation for a while. I've made plans to go away this weekend with some friends so I can just distract myself for a while. I need some time to absorb all this crap Sad

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/11/2013 08:10

I think that's a good idea. Have you told him what you're doing?

TyrannosaurusBex · 01/11/2013 08:15

That's a really good idea, ArtsyLady. I think the best thing you can possibly do is tell him you want to call it a day and why - but be incredibly nice and mature about it.

This woman may be his One Who Got Away. Let him find out - she may well not be. Whether you will still want him if she turns out not to be is another matter.

malinaaa · 01/11/2013 08:17

From reading your whole story, I feel like this relationship wasn't really good for marriage, even if the new woman was in the picture or not.

Maybe he treated you well initially and did some nice things for you, but if you want to spend your life with someone and have a family with them, you have to be equal partners, not one person being in the lead and the other one always following them.

I feel like your relationship was more about his personal satisfaction. Even if he introduced you to people he knows or took you travelling, those things were really for him, not you. He enjoys being with certain people and going to places and wanted some company. Probably from someone who is beautiful and interesting, like you are Smile

Maybe this is even why he really feels a stronger connection to this other woman. She could be more equal to him because she is slightly older, more experienced, shares history and friends with him. He could understand that a relationship with her will be more give and take and more equality. So that's why he is now doing things for her that don't necessarily lead to immediate satisfaction for him.

But I think for you, it's lucky this happened. Believe me, if you stayed together, even got married and had children, it would end up worse. You would eventually want more from him and you would clash. So at least you know now, while you're still young, before having any children or your family involved. So think about how you can start a new life. Good luck!

loopyloulu · 01/11/2013 08:17

It's a good idea to have some time with friends.....but don't become passive aggressive, avoid him, play it cool and hope he gets the message.

Use the time to start to feel positive about life without him, as well as deciding when and how you will end it.

Might it help to really focus on how you would feel should say on Monday he calls you up 'Artsy.. we need to talk'. THAT conversation.

Would you not rather get in first and at least end it with some dignity?

I'm just a bit worried that your time away this weekend may turn out to be an avoidance tactic, and rather than facing up to it all you are switching off from it and come Monday will be back where you started this thread.

Are you 100% sure in your head that you are going to end it- or are you still holding out some hope?

You know he's not being fair to you- he's having sex with you but he's not committed and never will be it appears.

Please don't do this to yourself.

FolkGirl · 01/11/2013 08:21

That sounds like a really good idea, Artsy.

I just wanted to say that when I discovered my stbxh affair last year, I got some equally sound advice from women on here. They would say "he'll do ... next" and "watch out for ..." and I'd think, not my husband, he's not like that.

And they were right, on every. single. thing. Yes, a couple of people were off the mark with dodgy knee jerk advice, but where there was consensus and people offering sound advice, complete strangers who didn't know me and didn't know my children and didn't know my life, knew my husband and my situation and how it was going to play out better than I could have ever predicted.

Try and enjoy your weekend away with friends, but do tell him you're going and why. Don't play games, that's important in retaining your dignity.

Just a "things have changed between us, and you've cooled towards me. I need some time to myself to think about what I want so I'm going away for the weekend" or something like that. Don't mention this other woman, don't be 'emotional', just give him the facts.

Good luck and take care of yourself Flowers