I need to get out of this hell

[sadsong]

If you think you know who I am in rl, please dont out me. But here I am again, perhaps 3 months on from last violent outburst. This time he punched me in the face and slapped me. Apparently it's all my fault again.

I am working my way towards leaving but finances are so entwined. I have nothing that's my own. So I'm playing the waiting game. Paying off debt and trying to make a secure financial future for my children. I believe I have about a year before I can leave.

I know you'll all say leave now. I can't yet. I will I promise I will.

This is the 3rd physically violent relationship I've been in. This one didn't become violent until we got married. I feel dead inside. If only there was enough money to leave now. But there isn't. I just wanted to feel less lonely and that is the reason I'm posting. I know the score I've been here before.

It is lonely especially when you keep getting advice that you don't want to follow. Thats not a criticism, I mean it. I was advised I was entitled to all sorts by people, but I knew it would only inflame things, I was like you I was happy to accept a lot less just to get him out of my life.
I wasn't in danger like you but understand how fine a line it is between doing what you 'should' do and what is right for you.x

sad it really says a lot about our system that you don't want to involve the police and/or go through the courts.
I'm actually experiencing my abuse second time round with the same person who has returned angry as hell. The courts were just the only option I had and I have found the lack of support for me truely terrible.
The thing is with people like your STBEX they will not let you go and just get on with your life, they want to destroy you. This isn't helpful as I don't know what the answer is but I personaly think the police handle things better than the courts.
I worry that when to try to leave the violence will increase. I think thatr will be your main problem the finances yes they are important but in the scheme of things secondary to your safety.

I can't see that a lot of people/families losing their employment is more important than your safety. Of course it's hard to feel you are responsible for them - I'm not being flippant. But this is Survival Time . You really can't be thinking of other people's livelihood when your life is in danger. I'm not being flippant about that, either. You've been around the block with this one and just because you weren't killed last time doesn't mean you won't be this time.

You want support because it's 'lonely' but it doens't have to be lonely if you choose a different path. Not being able to get a bank card for 5 years is shit but it would be a whole lot more shit if you were dead. Don't flame me here. You're not the messiah, you don't have to save people; only you and your children: which comes First. And by that I mean your lives. Everything else is extraneous. It's shit, but there it is. You won't die of destitution in this country (I assume you're in the UK) but you can die of being hit. Plenty do, as you know.

I am walking in your shoes and a job at a checkout is preferable to what you are facing. ime one loses a lot if a victim of dv - in the long run. That's just how it goes. It shouldn't, but it does. There it is - shit, but alive.

Hear me here: I hope you're not feeling that because of heavy losses re previous dv relationships that this time you must get something out of it, take something with you for your future? If so, I'm not sure you fully grasp the appalling toll a situation like this has on kids who live in this shit, whether they hear/see it or not (hence cp issue). No amount of money makes up for it. A year is a lifetime for a kid.

it's monumentally SHIT that you're in this situation yet again (I'm so sorry, you must despair). But there it is. Staring failure in the face isn't as bad if you're alive to stare at it. It's not the end of the world (says she of failure extraordinaire, largely due to the fallout of dv); but being dead is the end of the world, for you and your kids.

When you're settled, get some years of therapy to sort out why you're attracting the same sort of relationship. If you're still having therapy when you're 70 at least you'll be 70 and having therapy.

Well I really don't consider myself the messiah, but I do have more to worry about than just simply leaving. I also know I'm not the only one who has had to bide there time in order to get everything organised. Even when I left ex h it took me 6 months, to secure a flat etc. I don't have any local support. There is nowhere I can go longterm or even short term in the interim. My closest friends have large families and no room for another 6 and I refuse point blank to distribute them. I actually want to keep them together. My parents live too far away.

Yes clearly I am completely hopeless at choosing men. I don't need counselling to tell me that. I went through the process last time but didn't find it helpful so I can't say that I'm honestly going down that route either. I simply won't have another man in my life. I used to think that everyone should be with someone. I really don't now. I can understand that for most of you my choice isn't yours, but that's it, a choice. I've had enough choice taken away from me. I don't want to go from one control to another. I speak from vast experience unfortunately.

I'm not so proud I wouldn't do any old job instead of my current. But with no extra support my job works for me in a way no other would. Enabling me to earn from home, while having 5 children to contend with. If there is a day where I can't work I just don't I don't have to let an employer done, which would be frequently.

I'd really suggest you go to counselling now. I think you need someone on your side who will support your choices so you don't feel this sense of loneliness. Just because it didn't work for something else doesn't mean it won't work again. The loneliness and bullying may hinder you considering workable options and I think speaking it out with someone will really help.

How long were you in counselling last time? I mentioned 70 because ime it takes years (and years) to get to the root of the trouble.

If there is actual violence then there is no biding of any time, it is immediate exit. A man punching a woman in the face could very easily be fatal. The people who bide their time are emotionally etc abused which, though extremely damaging psychologically, doesnt directly affect staying alive.

I wasn't sneering at you when I used the messiah analogy. I dont think youre in a position to be thinking about anyone else, only you and your kids LIVES. I'm not over-egging it here.

I do feel for you, I really do. It must be appalling to face it yet again, the despair must be immense. No matter, you have to focus on the immediate danger imo. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have failed on every possible front but it's actually quite roomy down here (lol), its not the very end, I assure you.

I appreciate that your feelings are not at the forefront of your priorities but that the practicalities are your main concern at present. I really do appreciate you wanting to ensure a future for you all but I do think it is inappropriate in this instance - because of the very real threat that the next strike could be the last. What would happen to your kids then? Would he get custody? Where would they go?

Glad you are gathering support. You may need it.
I didnt understand the making his son homeless bit. His son would presumably go with his dad? Your DH sounds like he would sort something out for himself. I cant imagine that he would neglect himself.

Yes his son would go with him. His mother has refused to have him back. It's tricky as our children are in the same school, even same year and some same classes. So that's an extra complication.

I texted my mum yesterday to say I couldn't speak but we'd had a blazing row. I phoned her this morning expecting her to ask me about it, but she didn't, just carried on as usual. I think although of course she loves me she finds the whole thing embarrassing. On the other hand if I'd sounded like an emotional wreck, she probably would have asked. Maybe that means I'm just resolved in my decision and know what needs to be done.

I am old enough now that my DD has a long term boyfriend. And it can be tricky sometimes to know when to open one's mouth, and when to keep it firmly shut!

It's not complicated, really though, is it? Your children don't like his son anyway. The boy bullies them and generally behaves towards them as his father does towards you. When you separate, they'll be spared that at home, at any rate. Wen you separate, the school will know and will keep an eagle eye out for problems between the children, and will step in swiftly. What is the situation with the school at present?

Remember, your children are learning how to respond to bullying from your example. They may already know (probably do) that it's best to do nothing, say nothing. So the school may not even be aware of any problems.

i'm not trying to frighten you, worry you, or rush you. I think that you haven't been taken account of the impact on your children, in your considerations.

I'm more than aware of my childrens feelings and how this impacts on them. I'm actually doing my best to get out of this. If it can be done sooner, then good. The situ with school is that my dc are getting on ok. Step son is permanently in trouble. He can't grasp boundaries. This will not be a surprise to the school to know that his father is the same.

I don't think you are. More than aware that is. You arent if you keep them in this situation.

Do you know that, without question, this is a child protection issue; and that, should social services know what is happening, your children would be removed from the home? I'm sure you do know. But somehow, you don't know. Social workers aren't being trigger-happy when they recognise the drastically harmful implications of a situation like this.

The general consensus in situs like this is abandon, flee. Lose everything. Very tough (especially if you've done it before) but it means maintaining life. If you want to risk your own life, ok then, if you must. But it's not just you, is it?

Thankyou springy, that's really helpful

You are failing your children everyday you stay.
Springy is right, this is a CP issue and I hope that someone who knows you or that the school reports this awful situation soon.

I just have to boringly re-emphasise that the OP may not need to 'flee'. With a non-molestation + occupation order, she could stay in her house, her husband would have to leave, & she could pay off her debts as per her current plan.

She isn't listening twinkle

Sadsong, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry.

What I was saying - albeit badly - was that a lot of women in your circumstances, but who have got out, find that their children were affected far more than they thought they were at the time.

Many children keep quiet (safer, for one thing) about the negative feelings they suffer, because they are in a situation over which they have no control, so there is nothing they can do to make things better. At the same time, they are terrified that things will change for the worse, and that anything they do will make things worse. They are often very well aware of the violence which their mother, or parents, believe they are oblivious of - the children were asleep upstairs, or in the garden, or whatever.

Many children are asked - by perpetrator or victim - and will insist that they are fine, because they are scared that giving the full and frank answer will have devastating effects, or no effect at all.

Children are very good at masking things.

That's all, really. I just thought it might be helpful in some way, to tell you that children can, and do, hide things, and do it very well.

Blimey, you're being a bit of a madam about this, lovely. You don't get to do it differently from the countless women who have been in your situ. That just isn't how it goes, you don't get to buck the system by sheer willpower, ignoring the facts.

I don't know what your motivation is re keeping the business etc whilst keeping them in this situ for up to a year. re I don't know if you're telling yourself that you're doing it for them - I appreciate that you could be doing it for them, though I would say you are misguided in that you are focusing on the wrong thing. They need to be OUT of that situ. If you lose everything then that's how it has to be. It's tough but you're down to the bare bones with this.

or, you have to be prepared to be down to the bare bones; accept that that is the potential. It may not come to that, as twinkle says.

I sincerely hope you're not basing your decisions on not having a bank card for 5 years.

The thing is, sadsong, that you can't make an informed decision about anything unless you are in possession of as many of the facts as you can be. One of the facts is that children are very badly affected by growing up in an atmosphere such as the one in your household.

Now, this isn't your fault. Far from it. Your h is the one at fault, without doubt.

However, you are talking of taking a whole year before you put an end to it. A whole year. A year in which your children continue to have to suffer indirect abuse from your h; direct abuse from his son. A whole year, sadsong, a whole year. You could be dead by then. Really. Seriously. What will happen to them then? Wouldn't they be better off with you? Wouldn't they have a better life with little money but a living mum?

But then jux he just takes her to court for contact and the court back him in every way and the OP and the DC go through more. I know what you say is very true and I know it is well meaning but when you have been through `the system' before as the OP has you know how hard it is even when you leave and not just with contact with housing and more. To have a fighting chance of survival on every level you can't always just run.
OP I do think the police need to be involved next time because you know there will be one - you will need it for legal aid and more. In the meantime move as fast as you can, I know it is hard.
There needs to be more help for people like the OP and when my nightmare ends I will try and volunteer.
OP did you know Barbardos have a DV section? ring them if you can too if there is one locally, you may need a referal for major help but they will signpost you in the meantime.
Try and ring a sol and an accountant in the morning and just say I need help and I need is very quickly. Tell them your life may be in danger you are not exagerating.

The NCDV can get you an emergency injunction should you ever need it. They also:

"...provide a free, fast service to those who have experienced domestic violence. We specialise in offering legal support, making it possible to seek legal advice as well as court assistance. In practice, this usually means helping individuals to apply for an injunction at their local county court. To do this we use firms of local solicitors and trained volunteers who act as ‘McKenzie Friends’. This means we can offer an emergency service to victims of domestic violence whatever their financial circumstances, including those who do not qualify for legal aid."

valuable post, better.

If there is evidence of domestic violence, do the courts still push for contact between the children and the perpetrator? (which wouldn't make any sense if SS remove children who are in the same house as a violent abuser..) Surely only supervised contact? (which most abusers have no interest in)

btw I have tried many times to volunteer at my local refuge. I never get a reply.

I wasn't advocating that she 'just run', better. I was impressing upon her that her children are being affected every day, and that this will continue until she leaves or gets an Order which gets him to leave.

He may have contact when the op leaves whether she goes tomorrow, next week, or next year, so that is not particularly relevant to the timescale she has set upon.

As I actually said, she cannot make an informed decision about anything if she is not looking at the facts, and the fact is that her children are suffering every day, and she is taking enormous risks every day she stays.

That's all.

And I'm as well-meaning as you are, so that's not particularly relevant, though it is rather patronising.