I need to get out of this hell

[sadsong]

If you think you know who I am in rl, please dont out me. But here I am again, perhaps 3 months on from last violent outburst. This time he punched me in the face and slapped me. Apparently it's all my fault again.

I am working my way towards leaving but finances are so entwined. I have nothing that's my own. So I'm playing the waiting game. Paying off debt and trying to make a secure financial future for my children. I believe I have about a year before I can leave.

I know you'll all say leave now. I can't yet. I will I promise I will.

This is the 3rd physically violent relationship I've been in. This one didn't become violent until we got married. I feel dead inside. If only there was enough money to leave now. But there isn't. I just wanted to feel less lonely and that is the reason I'm posting. I know the score I've been here before.

Minty she said she wanted company. I think that's all though advice is probably useful too.

Sadsong

If you don't feel in a position to leave yet then so be it - we'll hold your hand until you can.

In the meantime I'd really keep your head down avoid his triggers if there are any, let him win every argument and play the meek and subdued woman. Absolutely don't let him know you are sorting out your debts or thinking of leaving. If you can start putting aside copies or originals of important docs, things of sentimental value to you live baby photos and some cash. That way if it does reach a point where you just have to go you can grab and run.

I, like the others, am very concerned at the escalation. Could it be that he senses you are making plans? Perhaps the fact that you have disconnected from him has made him step up the abuse. Please do be very very careful.

That said, I totally understand why you need to wait, given your circumstances. Is your business your only option for working? Could you get a job in your sector so that you have more security and less need for credit?

Like not live

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But OP, taking what you say to its logical conclusion, are you saying you won't call the police, no matter what he does to you?

Thanks all, I really am listening if appear defensive I'm sorry. I haven't told everything as I'm aware I may mAke myself quite obvious in rl.

My own business is currently running at a loss due to massive overheads from being ill. This will end at the end if the year I will be free of my lease. So my own business will be self sufficient. I own another company with h. There's big money involved. But I alone am financially responsible for half. There is 2 work forces to contend with. Put the shoe on the other foot just for moment. Would you be happy to not be paid this month because your boss had to leave her h. How would you feed your kids as a single mum. I have 3 that work for me alone.

op. Are you relying on your husband financially, or/and is he helping you with the work. And you are relying on him housewise too?

I hope you dont mind me asking these questions. And I had a brief look at some of your posts. Again, hope you dont mind.

At the heart of this you think you need your business not to go bankrupt so you can leave? Could your parents put some money in? Do they know fully your predicament?

x post. It took me a while to compose my post. Will now read your previous reply.

sadsong it sounds like you have worked out what you need to do but have you taken any professional advice on separating your business interests from your H and where that would leave you?

You do need not to overly concern yourself with their prediacament, hard as that is. I do have some personal experience of that. You matter. You are important. In fact, I would have to go so far as to say, your needs are more important than theirs right now.

Are the other company's assets in your name as well?

As regards feeding you kids, your parents could and should help out I would have thought.

peggy I was just thinking the same thing.

OP, I think you need to forget CAB and put a little money into getting specialist legal advice regarding your business with your H. If you liquidise the business, or sell your 50% would that be enough to clear your debts on your own business and put you back in the black?

cogito is right about bancrupcy, the reality is not that bad and much preferable to what you are experiencing that is for sure.
Please go to a police station and report what he has done and take DC with you or to a friends.

Get all important docs together if you can and the police can escort you back for other things. A poster up above said if SS heard what the DC have going on on thier home they would step in. You never know someone in RL may know what is going on and report thier concen for DC. This way it is on your terms.
You will get back on your feet financially. Your DC just need you there with them somewhere safe. I am sure WA and other similar organisation will have money to help too. You are a victim of crime I am sure that will help deal with the debt companies.
Maybe ring 101 and ask advice. Can he not leave the house with a little help from the police.

Hs company which is half mine has sustained me while I've been ill. I've had an increased wage bill clearly and less turnover because I've not been able to work. I work with h I own half that company. Currently it is very profitable and therefore I can pay off debts easily.

He's not an alcoholic or drug addict. We just don't see things the same way. I had this with exh. All while they were nothing they needed me. Then they hit the big time and the arrogance and big I am takes over . In fact it's like living the same life over. Just more children involved this time.

If I leave today it's not just me and my children that will be penniless, but the people that work for me too and their children.

I have a game plan although I don't see this as a game. I just felt very lonely earlier. I will try my best not to push any buttons. It's hard as his son is dreadful. But I will try to let it ride.

but why do you need to leave? Why don't you find a local solicitor which has a legal aid franchise (assuming youre eligible) and get them to apply for a non-molestation order and occupation order to keep you safe? Could you pay off the debts if you stayed at home with the DC if your OH was excluded?

So sorry to hear that you are in such a horrible situation. I appreciate that financially things may be complicated and difficult - could the pressure from this potentially lead to an escalation in violence from your partner??

I'm sure it must be hard to see a way out of this but if you are a woman that can raise 5 DC and run your own business then I believe you also have the resilience to leave and have the life that you deserve! Other posters have implied that if ss get involved you may no longer have choices, don't let that happen.

No amount of money/belongings compare to your safety and that of your children.

You can still separate without stopping the joint business. I have done it and after a year we settled and I signed over my shares to him as part of the settlement agreement.

It's difficult to know without the precise details, but from the info you've given here you are not likely to be declared bankrupt. It's always a last resort & it's really only if you don't have the money to pay the debts or you have so little that it would take forever to pay off. If you can show you are working hard to pay off the debt & you think you'll be clear in a year, then there's no reason to declare bankruptcy.

As others have said you need to sort out a debt management plan. If you have your own businesses you need a specialist financial & debt advice not just someone from the CAB.

Several thousand in debt is not very much as business debts go.

I don't see why, to pay off your debts, you need to stay in the same house as your husband. You can get a non-molestation order based on his violence & an occupation order for the house. Then he leaves.

It's not even true that bankrupts can't get credit. It's more difficult but not impossible. Non-discharged bankrupts can't get credit cards, but Capitalone & Barclays offer subprime products to people who have not declared bankrupt in the last 12 months. Vanquis within 18 months.

xpost with blurryeyed girl

Look, the OP has made her decision and needs support getting through to the time when she can (in her own mind and heart) leave with a clear conscience.

Whether we agree with her or not isnt relevant. She has made her decision and it is not up to us to make the situation harder by making the only place she can go for peer support a place where she ends up feeling worse.

OP, do what you need to do but FFS keep safe.

You don't need a solicitor to get a non-molestation & occupation order, you need to contact the national centre for domestic violence on 0844 8044 999, (they have a 24 hour hotline) they can do it for you.

www.ncdv.org.uk

Bogey - I think we are trying to ensure that OP has all the right info to make her decision. Not be critical.

Op from a business point of view it can still operate even if you are not with your DH. I can understand you not wanting to hurt innocent employees and thier families but you have to put you and your DC first. I know you know that and I guess you want some help to do it, as on your own with 5 DC and fearful is really difficult.

Is there anyone in RL that you can help you?

Do you think you could go and speak to a solicitor? I think the advice about trying to get legal aid is a good one. Even if you don't go asap you know you will at some point and it would be just a little step forward. I think having this logged with a solicitor would help you. The sol. may be able to advice about the business side of things to. If you are both Directors then there are legal obligations there too from your DH.

I understand to cut and run is difficult - can you go to your GP and log the assualt? as you will need evidence for legal aid even if you only take the action in 6 months time.

I think you are getting some good advice on here. Agree with you needing solicitor and accountant advice. Probably solicitor first?

If your husband has turned into the big I am, I would highly doubt that he would want your joint business to go bankrupt.

I think that it is worth me repeating that although horrible, you have to put yourself and your children before the people that you employ[assuming that that business did go bankrupt which is not at all a 100% guarantee].

Can you not get him out with a barring order and repay less each month. Your no use to your kids in hospital or dead either,please reconsider your safety and children's mental health in all this, they may not see what goes on but they can hear and sense the rows and tension and they are getting closer together, huge hugs, its hard to leave but occasionally we seek reasons to stay as well...With me it was not giving up my house, it was mine, until I woke up one day thought stuff the house, he can have it and walked away with just my personal belongings..