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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get out of this hell

159 replies

sadsong · 26/10/2013 17:56

If you think you know who I am in rl, please dont out me. But here I am again, perhaps 3 months on from last violent outburst. This time he punched me in the face and slapped me. Apparently it's all my fault again.

I am working my way towards leaving but finances are so entwined. I have nothing that's my own. So I'm playing the waiting game. Paying off debt and trying to make a secure financial future for my children. I believe I have about a year before I can leave.

I know you'll all say leave now. I can't yet. I will I promise I will.

This is the 3rd physically violent relationship I've been in. This one didn't become violent until we got married. I feel dead inside. If only there was enough money to leave now. But there isn't. I just wanted to feel less lonely and that is the reason I'm posting. I know the score I've been here before.

OP posts:
Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:25

How old are your dc?

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 18:26

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/debt_e/debt_help_with_debt_e/bankruptcy.htm

Thought this may help. But apologies if you are well aware of everything already.

susanalbumparty · 26/10/2013 18:26

But you are all they need. Just you, nothing else. If you could ask them and if they had all the facts they would say they would rather you were all safe, happy and skint than debt free, battered and terrified. Please get some financial advice, there MUST be alternatives.

Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:27

Then you will have the benefit system to fall back on.... Like the rest if us who have got away from subspecies relationships

Do it for your kids if not yourself....you are neglecting them!

Wallison · 26/10/2013 18:28

You may not necessarily go bankrupt. If you go to CAB they will negotiate with creditors for you. They have templates as to how much you can pay them off each month, based on your incomings and outgoings. They will tell you how much you can put in the outgoings box for each item of expenditure, so that you can keep yourself afloat and agree a reasonable repayment plan - that could be as little as a couple of pounds a month for each debt that you have. Please contact them. I will handhold, but I hate to think that you think you have no options.

ImperialFucker · 26/10/2013 18:29

OP, who do you owe the money to? Is it only your debt? Does your husband know you're repaying it at this rate?

As far as your job is concerned, you say if you leave you can't repay it. Is that because you need your home to do the job, or because you need the help of your husband?

BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 18:29

There are many parents out there who have gone bankrupt or have no income except benefits and it's tough for anyone in that position but 1. they still manage to provide a happy, loving and emotionally stable home for their children and 2. It's not as tough as being beaten up by a violent partner or a violent dad. It is not possible to provide children with a happy, loving and emotionally stable home under the circumstances you describe.

This is harming you and your children more than being bankrupt would.

If someone conducted a poll asking 'would you rather be declared bankrupt or put up with being beaten and risking being killed for a year?' there would be very few votes in favour of the latter.

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:32

I wish I hadn't posted now. I thought I'd get less of a flaming tbh. But there you go. My children weren't here today. So I suppose that's good.

Without divulging any more of myself I am well aware what cab would say I know an adviser. No I wouldn't go to a hostel because I know how awful they are, first hand. I can't stay with family there's too many of me.

If I had no money I'd leave today. It's debt that stops me. I know what it's like to be caught j. The benefit trap, or where the Csa doesn't pay out, or where the tax credit claim doesn't update and you have nothing to feed your children on.

The only way out is to work my way out. I don't want to be dependant in h or anyone else ever again.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2013 18:32

Spiriluna...I know where you're coming from but prob not helpful to say the op is neglecting her children.

I don't quite understand the debt and bankruptcy thing but I imagine you would have investigated every avenue with regards to leaving and still paying.

Is there anyone at all that could take you in for 6 months at least??? U know its hard with 5 children but if they knew the truth surely someone might help? Do your parents know how bad it is?

Vivacia · 26/10/2013 18:33

You've received professional advice that the best thing is to stay for another 12 months?

(Also, just checking that you know to protect your posting privacy on here).

soontobemumofthree · 26/10/2013 18:34

sadsong

Just a suggestion, (only as long as he would never find out) is there any preparation you could do to leave if it did escalate? Like keeping money to one side? Speaking to someone who would help you at the time? Knowing where you could flee to?

xx

Vivacia · 26/10/2013 18:34

I thought I'd get less of a flaming tbh. But there you go.

What do you need from us? Let us know.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2013 18:35

I've not had to claim benefits before myself..recieve fax credits though. Could you not get housing benefit etc sorted whilst living there and then move out once all finances sorted. Even of you have a game plan where you're on benefits for a year or two...hot to be better than being this arseholes punch bag.

I'm not flaming you . I'm holding your hand and sending a hug if you'd like one x

BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 18:36

If your husband knows you have debt then the closer you get to paying it off and becoming independent of him the more he will have to find other mechanisms to stop you from leaving him.

Cabrinha · 26/10/2013 18:36

OP may be in a finance related position where she's not allowed to practise if bankrupt? I'd definitely look into what you can do with payment plans though.
These are desperate times - can you be sneaky and get him to consolidate the debt into his name - 0% interest free card, for example? If you're married, then the debt will be part of your joint "assets" - but the liability won't be yours.
Get the debt over to him, and go.
But if you cleared £1500 in a month, that's great. Get to CAB and find out your options for reduced payments with your change of circumstances.
You've been here, you know how you'll be affected living in fear for a year. And what your children will see.
Hugs x

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:38

Last time I received hb, I used to get £400 a month towards rent and ct. In the end the rules were changed and because if my fluctuated earnings I was not eligible to be paid. I lost it, which is some if the debt in in now. As I had to find the money from somewhere.

Last time I went through every nightmare, I even went to my mp to beg for help. I have my own business which is enough to sustain me but not without the debt.

OP posts:
midlandslurker · 26/10/2013 18:40

you say that you know a CAB advisor - was it a specialist debt advisor or just a general one ?

There are real and possible alternatives to going bankrupt .IVA's and debt management to name just two.

Please give the www.nationaldebtline.co.uk or cccs.stepchange.org a call.

They can and will help !!!!

Please do it on Monday - one call could change your life for the better

ImperialFucker · 26/10/2013 18:40

OP, please don't see it as flaming. Everyone's just very worried for you and your family.

DebrisSlide · 26/10/2013 18:40

If he weren't there, would that create the same financial situation as if you left now?

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:40

My eldest is 15.

OP posts:
susanalbumparty · 26/10/2013 18:41

Don't mean to flame you sorry. Please stay.

Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:41

mama er yes! This IS neglectful! Social services class this as child abuse. Wilfully exposing dc to dv

I asked how old the dc are?

You see, you can't predict a violent man will curtail his violence til the dc are out.... Or.... Keep it just for their mother

sneezecakesmum · 26/10/2013 18:41

I can understand your reluctance to leave because the future is about security for yourself and your children, not just leaving and seeing yourself in a mess for years to come. I can understand it mentally but at a gut level it would terrify me. Is his violence alcohol related. Money related? If you know his triggers maybe you could keep yourself safe by avoiding them. Is it possible just to withdraw and only speak to him when really necessary? Do you confront him on anything that he reacts aggressively to? If so leave everything be. There is no need to discuss anything with him or try to improve the situation, it's over.

I agree with everyone you should leave, but if it's your decision to stay for the moment make sure you have some kind of escape plan. Leave the back door unlocked so you can run out if necessary. A locked room you can get away to for safety.

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 18:42

A couple of things really.
If and when you pay off your debt, you are going to be at the 0 money stage. So presumably you would then still say that you have to have some money. Hhave you thought about how much?

The other thing you said is that you do not want to be dependent on a man ever again.
But I have realised that in life we are always dependent on something, even when self employed. You will still be dependent on clients, good health, or whatever else the business relies on.

Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:42

Yes, national debt line are very good I'm told

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