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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get out of this hell

159 replies

sadsong · 26/10/2013 17:56

If you think you know who I am in rl, please dont out me. But here I am again, perhaps 3 months on from last violent outburst. This time he punched me in the face and slapped me. Apparently it's all my fault again.

I am working my way towards leaving but finances are so entwined. I have nothing that's my own. So I'm playing the waiting game. Paying off debt and trying to make a secure financial future for my children. I believe I have about a year before I can leave.

I know you'll all say leave now. I can't yet. I will I promise I will.

This is the 3rd physically violent relationship I've been in. This one didn't become violent until we got married. I feel dead inside. If only there was enough money to leave now. But there isn't. I just wanted to feel less lonely and that is the reason I'm posting. I know the score I've been here before.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:42

If he left yes it would be just as financially terrible. But I'm not lead tenant do can't live here without him I don't think. I'd only be able to afford a cheaper house anyway.

OP posts:
soontobemumofthree · 26/10/2013 18:46

You sound like you have the strength and abilities to make it on your own, with your kids, keep focussed on the goal of leaving, don't let him grind you down.

It's not your fault. What happened today, by staying since it happened 3 months ago, it's still not your fault, he did it.

You know you have to go. I hope some other option turns up with the finances.

DebrisSlide · 26/10/2013 18:47

I didn't mean if he left of his own accord, more if he were removed.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2013 18:48

Spiruluna...I didn't disagree with you. I'm aware of what this situation is... I just said it isn't helpful to say that. The op fills trapped and felting she was getting flamed.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2013 18:48
  • feels trapped.

What I was trying to say, if you are able to read between the lines is let's not be harsh and tread carefully with op. she obviously feels very fragile

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:49

Once debt free I wouldn't need a huge amount to leave at all. Just deposit on house and first months expenditure. I'd apply for tax credits the moment I left. I get cb and maintenance, so that with my income is enough to live on.

If I get an arrangement on my debt it will mean I no longer am able to get credit for anything. My job means I do sometimes need to. I will need to buy a newer car in the next year to, but that is already accounted for.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:50

Out of interest, why is your thread titled that you need to get out of the hell when you're choosing to stay put?

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 18:51

I would speak to several letting agents and find out your position on the private renting front.

cjel · 26/10/2013 18:52

Hand holding here as well. If he is being violent get police to remove him from the home you are in now. You do have options you are just too worn down to see them clearly. with regard to the debt. I also know that there are options and you again don't see them because you are worn down. Get proper debt advice and use police to get him out of the house.xxx

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:52

Believe it or not I do know I need to leave and i will. I've done it before. I wish I could go today. But if I do I walk into another disaster. It is hell living a lie in a loveless relationship.

OP posts:
Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:53

Your likely to need more than a months advance rent

midlandslurker · 26/10/2013 18:55

AS you don't actually own your House there would be little point in any company or financial institution filing for your bankruptcy - they would have nothing to gain from it (ie no property) and it would cost them dearly in legal fees. They would much prefer very reduced payments for years than the debt "wriiten off" as in the case of Bankruptcy

If the only thing really stopping you from leaving is the fear of bankruptcy,please take proper professional advice from someone who is experienced (ie national debt line)

I know that step change will negotiate with all your creditors,can get interest frozen and will put together an affordable repayment plan based on your income and essential. expenditure.

I know its not easy - but it can be done !!!

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:55

Most private agencies are not keen on a single woman with 5 children. I do know a fair landlord who would accept my circumstances. My family live at a distance.

OP posts:
humphryscorner · 26/10/2013 18:55

How much debt do you have? There is no stigma today with bankruptcy some one goes bankrupt every four minutes and you can start building your credit back up after a very short while.

I've been in your position , took me five years to leave. It was some thing very small that made me leave rather than burning me or strangling me like before. It was the hardest thing I've ever done . I wanted to go a good few years before I actually did. I didn't want to uproot my dd and start all over again with nothing.

I honestly don't think your at that point yet. I hope the year you plan to spend paying debts dosnt damage your kids- as it won't be worth it.

P.s there are also many other debt schemes you can do IVA ect....
Good luck Flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:55

Bankruptcy is only a money disaster. You can recover from that. Several women each week die at the hands of abusive partners. It's a long way from a 'loveless' relationship, isn't it?

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 19:00

I've been sat in the bathroom in the dark for last hour. So thankyou for keeping me company. I do know what bankruptcy is like. My best friend went bankrupt. It has taken 10 years before she could get credit. She couldn't even get a bank card for 5. I can't run a business like that . Without my business I have no job and I can't support my children.

OP posts:
HolofernesesHead · 26/10/2013 19:05

Sadsong, I hope you're okay now. Is he still with you, and do you feel safe now? Have you got friends in RL who can come and drink tea or wine or gin with you tonight?

If the worst came to the worst, could you get a different job which would make leaving easier? It might be easier said than done, I know.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2013 19:10

Ring women's aid when you can. If only to talk to someone.

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 19:15

I very much admire your work ethic.

Children do get supported by the state in situations like yours, but perhaps you still having your business feels like you still have some control over what is happening?

I sort of see where you are coming from. You have figured out that if you can get throught the next 12 months, then you and your 5 chilrens' future has the potential to be rosy.

cjel · 26/10/2013 19:16

Have you considered getting him evicted?

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 19:18

Have you thought about leaving now, going bankrupt if you have to[if inded it came to that] and working for someone else until you have built up enough capital to restart your own business again?

cjel · 26/10/2013 19:20

I don't think bankruptcy is an option. I don't think it will happen. I think OP needs proper advice.

Wallison · 26/10/2013 19:24

Sadsong, I hope that you don't think I was flaming you; I am just worried about you and feel sad that you are in this situation. Even if you feel that you can't get out now, I hope that you do get out of it.

Choclover27 · 26/10/2013 19:25

I truly believe you can leave when you have the mental strength and energy to do so. Yet at the moment you don't have that. I have finally separated from my husband of 20 years after enduring 17 years of his ( functioning) alcoholic
Behaviour. I feel sick about the whole thing and can't believe I didn't do it before. I just wasn't ready to face up to my situation, my fears, the horrors of it all. But I've taken the first step. When you are ready, you will do it

Mintyy · 26/10/2013 19:27

What is it you are hoping to get from Mumsnet sadsong?

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