Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get out of this hell

159 replies

sadsong · 26/10/2013 17:56

If you think you know who I am in rl, please dont out me. But here I am again, perhaps 3 months on from last violent outburst. This time he punched me in the face and slapped me. Apparently it's all my fault again.

I am working my way towards leaving but finances are so entwined. I have nothing that's my own. So I'm playing the waiting game. Paying off debt and trying to make a secure financial future for my children. I believe I have about a year before I can leave.

I know you'll all say leave now. I can't yet. I will I promise I will.

This is the 3rd physically violent relationship I've been in. This one didn't become violent until we got married. I feel dead inside. If only there was enough money to leave now. But there isn't. I just wanted to feel less lonely and that is the reason I'm posting. I know the score I've been here before.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 21:32

I am listening to you all so I will on Monday investigate further as to if there's a quicker way out.

I built my business up when I was a single mum of 4dc because I didn't want to be reliant on any man or any other go trolling force. Be it hb, Csa of tax creds, they all have let me down in the past and left me penniless. I really believe there is a way out. It's a lonely process. On the face of it in rl I appear like everything is fine, as I did 10 yrs ago.

I have broached the unhappy marriage with my parents. They don't know about the violence but they do know I'm not happy. They will support me when I leave, I knows they will, but they are old and at a distance.

I just want to stand in my own 2 feet for once in my life. I love my children to pieces of course I do. The thought of ss getting involved fills me with dread.

I'm not being indulgent, I just want enough to live a meagre life style. But that still is quite expensive with 5dc. My eldest 2 dc know the score. We talk all the time. I'm not wanting foreign holidays for them, just food on the table and to know I can pay the rent will do me fine.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 26/10/2013 21:32

Bogey: the OP has made a decision that may be based on inaccurate or incomplete information & may also be coloured by an entirely understandable fear of her partner. I believe encouraging her to consider all possible options is supporting her.

A friend of my mothers had a long term plan to leave her husband, but in the short term ended up in hospital, beaten almost to death. Her children had to go & stay with relatives while she was in hospital & during the long process of rehabilitation.

The OP's first responsibility is for her & her children's not her employees' wage.

All the while she is living with a violent man, she risks any concerned party reporting the violence to the social services.

cjel · 26/10/2013 21:36

Twinkle, Laying guilt on OP for staying isn't supporting her.

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 21:38

[hugs] You sound lovely. Glad you are going to get more advice. Your business situation is quite complicated so glad you are going to get more advice.

You sound very sensible. The thing I would do different is the independent bit. I dont think it is all it is cracked up to be. And I would nt give it quite such a high priority. Though I appreciate I am not you.

Spirulina · 26/10/2013 21:38

Ow are your 2 eldest getting on with his son? You say he's horrible..

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 21:48

My eldest ds makes the most effort I suppose coz they share a room. But he is a bully . They don't like him at all. He's really off the rails and has caused huge stress. His mother has really screwed him up and his father not made a big enough effort , to set boundaries etc. I made a massive effort when he came to live with us but it's never been appreciated by him or his father . I've find my best in horrendous circumstances. Tbh.

OP posts:
betterthanever · 26/10/2013 21:49

OP you just need a few people to help you take the load off your wings for a little bit and then you can fly again. Some professional and some personal. If you can seperate out each element and then task it out. You run a business you can do it, same principals apply.

I had to make some big changes to my life which felt much bigger than they were in reality. I'm doing the same now but not as hard as your situation. Once some of the conversations have been had things will feel easier as that support will start to be put to good use. You may need your parents address for example for some paper work to go to. Friends can have DC, make some phone call for you. Set up a bank account for you? The main thing is keeping safe in the meantime. I think that is people's concern. I am sure once you get things moving you will be surprised how quickly things come together but that is when you may become more unsafe. You understand and I know that is what makes it seem harder but you will have things in place by then.

Twinklestein · 26/10/2013 22:08

cjel, nowhere have I 'laid guilt' on the OP, I'm not sure why you read it that way, I'm simply trying to highlight the risks in her strategy out of genuine concern.

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 22:13

Betterthanever, thankyou. I am strong enough to leave. But last time I was at the mercy of the system. I can't do that again it just didn't work. It is the most complicated situation anyone could find themselves in. So thankyou for realising that. Children, step children, exh, h, 2 companies and vast employees. I hold all of that on my shoulders. It's a lovely life currently Hmm

But not all bad, this week I have been in touch with rl friends who I haven't spoken to in years. I have started to talk to my parents, so more disclosures will not be surprising to them. I just need to try and hold it together for the very least a few months, but best a year.

I'm gathering support. I can't do this alone. I've carried this burden for too long.

OP posts:
betterthanever · 26/10/2013 22:32

I'm gathering support. I can't do this alone. I've carried this burden for too long. great news - keep safe x

Jux · 26/10/2013 22:37

Have you checked out non-molestation order, occupation order? Sorry, I may have missed that bit. Could you afford to stay put without him there? In other words, get him out but stay there yourself?

cjel · 26/10/2013 22:42

well TWINKLE if it wasn't guilt, you were posting as if she was ignorant, either way not a good thing to do. Far from encouraging her to consider all the options you made statements about her first responsibility and how others would report the violence to ss when she had already said how afraid she was of that.
Neither of which were supportive and encouraging.

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 22:45

Jux he's lead tenant so without him I'm not allowed to stay here. Longterm anyway I'd want somewhere cheaper . His company may come tumbling down without me as I do the admin, accounting. He doesn't attend to anything properly. So if I leave it will all go to pot . Longterm that's fine. Short term I be dc the money.

OP posts:
cjel · 26/10/2013 22:47

Maybe if you get non molestation order your landlord will let you stay lead tenant?

Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 22:54

Thankyou cjel, I will look into that, I'm not particularly hopeful as it's. £300 more than I will be able to afford, I think. Plus ct is a high band, my letting agents are crisp. Ive had far betted landlords previously.

By making him leave I also make his son homeless. Which I know I'd his problem but I would rather leave myself knowing what I go to is affordable with a future.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsong · 26/10/2013 22:55

Oh dear crisp = crap! Shock

OP posts:
scoobydooagain · 26/10/2013 23:03

Don't know if this is an option for you and I may get flamed for it but to get my violent ex H out, I got him a flat , deposit, first months rent etc. best money I ever spent. Seems ridicoulous now but at time I could not see him homeless and it worked for me.

Twinklestein · 26/10/2013 23:16

cjel: if you read those posts carefully you would see that my post & the OP's were posted at exactly the same time. Thus my post was not a response to hers, but was written before she had made it. In the light of her post my point about ss was superfluous.

Can we move on now?

BillyBanter · 27/10/2013 01:24

www.resolution.org.uk/

On here you can find local specialist family lawyers, ones who do DV and ones who deal with complex financial divorces. Perhaps there is one near you who can give you advice.

Original poster
sadsong · 27/10/2013 08:32

Thankyou billy. I divorced my exh on grounds of unreasonable behaviour so I know the drill and had a superb solicitor then. By choice I would use him again. But it cost me several thousand to get divorced last time. That was almost a decade ago now, but today it feels like yesterday.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 27/10/2013 08:52

You need to separate the business/finances from your truly dreadful domestic situation. You talk of building up your business and working with your husband. Has he made any financial investment in your business? Is he legally a partner in it and how many of your children are his?
What sort of premises does the business occupy? Any chance of a flat or similar? Can you talk to your lenders about reducing payments on the debt? If you are repaying £1500 a month that is a lot of money.
I hate to think of you and your dc frightened and hurt like this. I hope you can find a way out soon.Please confide fully in your parents now. If you were my daughter I would do anything to help make this better.

sneezecakesmum · 27/10/2013 10:53

Good luck with your plan. It's not ideal but it's what suits you at the moment, and life isn't ideal sadly. Just make sure you are financially locked up and your H cannot cause further financial problems. There's no point your plugging a leaky financial boat on one side if he is busy making holes in the other!

Twinklestein · 27/10/2013 11:30

As regards lead tenancy: if you apply for an occupation order you may be able to have the tenancy transferred into your name for a fixed term, your husband may be excluded from property, & he may be ordered to continue paying the rent. The court will consider your housing needs, your financial resources, your children, the behaviour of your husband etc.

The National Centre for Domestic Violence (link & phone number above) are experts in this area, they can help you get a non-molestation &/or occupation order. Their services are free.

You might also find this document helpful: A guide to domestic violence injunctions

Jux · 27/10/2013 12:48

www.ncdv.org.uk - so you don't have to scroll back

Original poster
sadsong · 27/10/2013 13:29

Thankyou all for your recommendations. I have tried to work out a budget today but I won't be entitled to any tax credits at all as far as I can fathom from the online calculator. So I may have to muster another plan. I'm quite good at a plan so I'm sure I will come up with something.

As much as I don't believe he's right in doing what he's done, I also don't want to go through the courts or involve police. I have embarked on that and it's a massively intrusive procedure. I just want to leave and get in with my life. I'm not screwed up about it, I don't want revenge, I just want a different life.

Sneeze had it spot on with life not being ideal. It certainly isn't. It's stressful enough day to day running a business with a large family. They are my main concern. I'm not even bothered about divorce proceedings currently.

The problem I have is that this is a lonely business.

OP posts: