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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not normal.

88 replies

ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:03

The following is what my husband said to me on email. Do you say to your husband that it's not normal for your husband to do something?

'No you don't or you wouldn't be going over six year old conversations sending emAils like that looking to attack me whilst I'm out working earning the money that you are very happy to spend! Why would you even think to do that - it's not normal'

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/10/2013 13:06

?

Sorry I'm not understanding, what is the disagreement over? Who is looking up 6 year old conversations?

Walkacrossthesand · 26/10/2013 13:10

Lots of festering resentment there on both sides, by the look of it - is there a conversation from 6 years ago that's bugging you? And what's the 'no you don't' that he mentions? And why are you emailing each other your dispute rather than talking face to face? And why has his 'it's not normal' comment riled you so much?

Tailz · 26/10/2013 13:10

I honestly think you need to clarify what you mean and explain the back story if there is one.

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:11

It's me who said questions of the matter of 6 years ago. My question is is it insulting if you say to your spouse 'It's not normal for you to behave so.'

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 26/10/2013 13:12

You're not making much sense OP Confused

We can't help if we don't know what you're on about or any context.

DevonFolk · 26/10/2013 13:12

You're questioning something that happened six years ago and he's telling you that this isn't normal. Have I got that right?

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:16

Sorry to confuse you. First of all I simple wanted to know what normal exactly means on his words.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:16

DevonFolk, yes you got that right.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 13:18

You'd do better to ask him what he means by it than a bunch of people who don't know him.

However that said going over things from 6 years ago doesn't sound that healthy. Perhaps he means it is not normal to still be doing so. Which, on the surface, seems fair enough.

However we don't know the wholes story so we're back to it being a better idea to ask him what he means.

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:18

He says what I brought up the conversation 6 years ago in a sudden and attack him is not normal.

OP posts:
DevonFolk · 26/10/2013 13:20

'Normal' is relative. If you are not the type of person to dwell on something that happened so long ago then it wouldn't be 'normal' for you to do so in this instance.

However he's likely to be comparing what you're doing with what he would expect most other people to do. He obviously thinks that most people wouldn't be dwelling on whatever issue this is.

What is it that happened for you to still be questioning him about it?

Walkacrossthesand · 26/10/2013 13:20

What's 'normal' for one person can be 'really really weird' for another, so his saying 'it's not normal' is not necessarily an insult - it's just his opinion. You may not agree. It's more useful to look at the specific actions/behaviours that he's referring to, and try to understand each other's POV, than take offence at 'it's not normal'.

exexpat · 26/10/2013 13:21

Is this you again, OP? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1889335-living-together

I have to agree with your DH that constantly bringing things up from the distant past is not normal.

Hassled · 26/10/2013 13:22

Whether it's normal or not isn't relevant. You're bringing up something from 6 years ago presumably for a reason - either you can't let something trivial go, or it was a huge thing that you're still struggling to get past.

You have to work out which it is - if deep down you know it's trivial, why the need to resurrect it? If it's say something he did 6 years ago that you haven't recovered from, then start dealing with it - talking about it here might help.

HowardTJMoon · 26/10/2013 13:26

Unless what was said six years ago was momentous and pivotal - eg, a promise to have more children which he has suddenly reneged on - then it's probably not constructive or helpful to drag back such past history. Particularly if (and this is a big "if", as I have no idea if it's what actually happened here) it is completely out of context of what was being discussed and was merely brought up as a diversion and/or another stick with which to beat the other person.

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:28

exexpat, yes it was me and this is about the story that I post it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 26/10/2013 13:29

Well, if my spouse emailed me at work with some historical dispute I would probably be a bit miffed (though his reply was rather harsh; something more like "I'm busy I'm afraid, can we talk about this tonight" might be called for). On the other hand, if for example you've just found out he was unfaithful six years ago, it's not historical for you, and perfectly natural you should be a bit too excited to wait till the evening.

BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 13:29

Why are bringing this up with him again?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 13:30

Is there a particular reason why you'd e-mail him about this at work rather than have the conversation (six year old or otherwise) with him face to face or over the phone? Unless 'work' means he's in some distant place where phones don't work, that would be the part that struck me as unusual.

ArgyMargy · 26/10/2013 13:33

To be honest it seems odd to me that you would email him at work to express your annoyance with him. To me that is not normal, but as others have said, "normal" is relative to one's usual behaviour; it is not an absolute.

exexpat · 26/10/2013 13:33

So it's an argument about whether it matters that when he lived with someone 20 years ago (which you knew about) it was for six months rather than the two months or so you had supposed?

Sorry, OP, I can see why your DH is getting exasperated with you constantly dragging up historical stuff like this to argue about now. Wouldn't you do better to concentrate on how your relationship is going now?

ArgyMargy · 26/10/2013 13:34

X-post with Cogito.

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:38

We talk to each other on email daily while he's at work. What he said was bringing up the conversation of 6 years ago to clarify if it is true or not is not normal. The coverstation of 6 years ago was about answering yes or no to the question if he had ever lived together like a marriage. before he met me. He said no to the question as he lived with his ex-girl friend 20 years ago but it was only for short time. But a few days ago I emailed him and asked him how many days he lived with her. and his said 6 months and I said he lied because six months isn't short. He found this attacking him for nothing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/10/2013 13:42

Why does is matter to you what he did 20 years ago? 6 months IMHO is a short time to live with someone - "short" is a relative term, that's only long enough to move in and discover that the relationship isn't really going to work and then one of you move out again.

ArgyMargy · 26/10/2013 13:42

Well, OP, again "short" is relative. I think that is quite a short time.