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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not normal.

88 replies

ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:03

The following is what my husband said to me on email. Do you say to your husband that it's not normal for your husband to do something?

'No you don't or you wouldn't be going over six year old conversations sending emAils like that looking to attack me whilst I'm out working earning the money that you are very happy to spend! Why would you even think to do that - it's not normal'

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 26/10/2013 13:42

Oops x-post again with Random Blush

ALittleStranger · 26/10/2013 13:43

And you don't see that it is?

In my view, and apparently your DP's your behaviour is not normal. You are grilling him about his life 20 years ago at completely unnecessary moments and having pointless arguments about whether six months counts as a short period living together or not (in my view it is short and not like a marriage, as you put it). You asked if he'd lived with someone "like marriage", he said no as his relationship with his ex was casual. And this happened two decades ago. Your DP must have the patience of a saint as I would have responded a lot more strongly.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/10/2013 13:44

If you are brooding on something that happened a while back, then it doesn't matter if it's 6 or 16 years' ago if it means a lot to you.
Your DH doesn't seem to think whatever it is warrants you dredging it up.

He got in a dig about you being comfortable to spend the salary he gets. Are you unemployed? Are there issues about who earns and who doesn't? Is that a deliberate side swipe to get you off topic?

I don't know what provoked your email or why you'd write and talk face to face if you are still in a relationship. But there is resentment on both sides it seems.

KouignAmann · 26/10/2013 13:44

Hassled that was a good post!

OP why does this matter? Do you feel he misled you? Are you insecure about him? Would it have made any difference if you had known six years ago what he had lived with someone for six months?
You obviously are feeling upset which is quite okay to express but it would help you to clarify what is upsetting you exactly so you can talk about it to him properly (and not by email).
He sounds defensive too.

NeoFaust · 26/10/2013 13:47

If he's lived with other people for more than six months, then to him six months might be short. In which case you're attacking him over a disagreement in terminology that took place six years ago. Not only are you attacking him over nothing, but I over nothing from six years ago.

No, that is not normal.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/10/2013 13:47

Okay just read your email at 13:38 about emailing him at work.

I see this is still festering and it is not unreasonable to dwell on something but clearly he feels there's a time and a place and in any case places little or no importance on what he told you 6 years' ago about something way back before he ever met you.

Ask yourself what next.
Are you seeking to punish him, does it alter your perception of him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 13:49

Six months is a short time to live with someone.... If that's the only problem I think you are probably attacking him over nothing. Sorry.

ALittleStranger · 26/10/2013 13:49

He sounds defensive too.

Or he's exasperated from dealing with the OP, which would be completely fair enough. OP did you also start the threads about your DH being tagged in photos with female friends on Facebook?

exexpat · 26/10/2013 13:50

I think the OP has also posted many times before on MN asking about whether small things her DH or MiL have done (often in the distant past) are OK, or rude - this is not a one-off, it is a repeated issue. Which is why I think the problem is probably with the OP's inability to let go of minor things, or with her relationship with her DH, not this specific issue.

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:50

So would you say to your spouse 'It's not normal' if your spouse did what I did?

OP posts:
exexpat · 26/10/2013 13:51

Yes.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 13:51

Yes. I think 'not normal' is actually a relatively kind way of putting it. He's obviously annoyed.

ALittleStranger · 26/10/2013 13:51

Yes!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 13:52

Do you think 'not normal' means he's questioning your mental health?

RandomMess · 26/10/2013 13:53

Yes I would.

"It's normal for you to be obsessed with how long I lived with x 20 years before I met you, I considered 6 months to be a short while, we moved in together, it didn't work out, it took us a few more months to splie up"

nouvellevag · 26/10/2013 13:57

I'd be pissed off if I was at work and my partner emailed me to complain that I hadn't specified a precise number of months, in a conversation we'd had six years ago, about a relationship that happened twenty years ago. I wouldn't really understand it being brought up at all, to be frank.

The thing about the money is a bit of a low blow, but I entirely understand him feeling exasperated. And FWIW I don't think 6 months is very long to live with someone (nor that there's much difference between the 2 months you supposed and the 6 months that actually happened). I've had flatmates for longer than six months, within the last ten years, whose names I can't even remember now.

MaryZombie · 26/10/2013 13:58

I have said "It's not normal" to dh in conversation, probably more than once.

I don't see the words themselves as being aggressive or wrong in any way.

I would consider your interest in what happened 20 years ago as bordering on the obsessive, if it's something you keep bringing up repeatedly and quizzing him on.

It happened long before you even met him. Why does it matter whether he lived with someone for 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years?

fluffiphlox · 26/10/2013 13:58

So you are 37 , your husband of 6 years is 42 and he may or may not have lived with a young woman for a matter of months when he was 20. You are emailing him in work about the exact length of the cohabitation. To my mind, you are making yourself sound a bit unhinged, needy, insecure. Not attractive attributes. I would advise you to let it go. Also it would annoy the pants off me to have to deal with this while I was being paid to do a job of work.

RandomMess · 26/10/2013 13:59

I think you need to think about your relationship as a whole, it is it happy, does he have form for lying to you, gaslighting you? Is that why this thing is such a big deal?

Original poster
ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 14:02

The only reason why I asked the question was I wanted to know how short it was. Also I hoped my husband hadnt had cohabitance experience.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 26/10/2013 14:04

Why? Experience is good for people.

Also he is your husband now. It's a bit late to go back to some hypothetical wish list.

exexpat · 26/10/2013 14:05

If your DH was in his mid-30s when you got together, I think you have to accept that he has some relationship history. Or were you hoping for a 35-year-old virgin?

Most people accept that their partner has had previous relationships, some serious, some not-so-serious, but what matters is that they are in the past and he has chosen to marry you.

Though given the things you post on here, he might be starting to wonder whether that was a good choice...

MaryZombie · 26/10/2013 14:07

So, would you not have married him if you knew?

And if so, what about if it was four months? Or two? Or a week?

Why would it make any difference to you marrying him 14 years later, or bother you now, 20 years later?

I think I agree with your husband - your fixation on this isn't normal. Sorry.

VanitasVanitatum · 26/10/2013 14:08

I think if it matters to you that he hadn't Co habited before then that may be why you're upset, but I really think you should just let it go, maybe to him six months really didn't feel like it 'counted', it's not a long period in the scheme of things.

It isn't very nice to tell some one they are 'not normal', if you mean that they are 'weird', but it sounds like he is just saying your behaviour is odd, I think in this case I would feel the same, if my partner were raking back through old emails to see if I said one or two months, or six months.

I would apologise and let it go, OP.

Walkacrossthesand · 26/10/2013 14:09

But you knew he had, he told you he had! (For 2 months, not 6 - but still co-habiting). As others have said, in this country cohabiting is not a big deal - not legally recognised, etc. you're the one he married - why does his past bother you so much?