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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

It's not normal.

88 replies

ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 13:03

The following is what my husband said to me on email. Do you say to your husband that it's not normal for your husband to do something?

'No you don't or you wouldn't be going over six year old conversations sending emAils like that looking to attack me whilst I'm out working earning the money that you are very happy to spend! Why would you even think to do that - it's not normal'

OP posts:

Report

BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 14:29

I would also think it was 'not normal' if my partner was emailing me at work about a conversation 6 years ago about something I did 20 years before that before I knew him. I would also feel defensive and exasperated.

Why does this all matter to you so much?

wellcoveredsparerib · 26/10/2013 14:35

What are you worried about OP?
Do you feel he misled you in regard to his living with previous girlfriend or are you now focusing on his saying "its not normal".

How is your relationship now?

HissyFucker · 26/10/2013 14:35

Genuinely, if someone did this to me now, grilling me the way you are your H, i'd end it.

Today.

No love, what you are doing isn't normal. His past ISN'T any of your business.

ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 14:36

I would have married him if he told me 6 months before getting married. I have thought it would be 1 month or so if it was not counted.I was a bit shocked it was longer than I thought. That's all. I let it go. What I am more upset now is his comment it's not normal.

OP posts:

wellcoveredsparerib · 26/10/2013 14:38

Do you think he is questioning your mental health?

ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 14:39

wellcoveredsparerib, not really, if he was questioning it he would have said you are not normal than it is not normal.

OP posts:

wellcoveredsparerib · 26/10/2013 14:43

in that case, I don't see the problem. he is right - it isn't normal.

turbochildren · 26/10/2013 14:44

I'm sorry OP, but to drag up the past repeatedly is not very healthy, certainly if it is something that has been discussed before. I'm talking about small things like the example mentioned here. It's very draining for the person on the receiving end, and you get a feeling that life never moves forward. Not very nice, and it's probabl not normal either.
Let small things like that go.

ALittleStranger · 26/10/2013 14:49

The question is OP what are you going to do about this? Are you going to randomly email your DH in six months time to tell him you're hurt he called your behaviour abnormal?

Have you considered counselling? Would it be easy to find a session with someone who speaks your first language?

Reality · 26/10/2013 14:50

Was it you who was asking if 'stupid' is swearing, or some such?

BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 14:51

I was thinking that too, reality. Three threads IIRC.

Have you had other threads under a different user name about your husband?

BobaFetaCheese · 26/10/2013 14:57

His past is what made him the person you love(?) today, are you looking for a reason to have an arguement or end it with him?

I'd get off his back about it, I'm 26 and have no idea how longI've lived with exes or DH and it doesnt matter.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 15:00

FWIW what do you think 'it's not normal' means? What do you think he's saying?

Ruprekt · 26/10/2013 15:02

What you are doing to him is not normal!

You sound a bit crazy tbh......

exexpat · 26/10/2013 15:07

I'm pretty sure the OP has started lots of other similar threads under different usernames going back quite a while - the posting style is very distinctive. Some of them have involved the DH's family, if I remember correctly (something about whether something the mother-in-law said was rude or racist?), but most are about small things the DH has done/said (eg the facebook one).

(I'm not stalking you or anything, OP, I have just stumbled on your threads a few times and seen similar themes crop up again and again, and similar advice being given - you are overthinking, let it drop, don't get so worked up about little things etc - but you keep coming back with more of the same.)

SweetSeraphim · 26/10/2013 15:09

It just all sounds a bit... weird.

If he lives a life where you constantly grill him about this sort of stuff, then I can see why he'd be pissed off. And if I were him, I may well have said that it 'wasn't normal'. Because it isn't really.

You need to let it go. Whatever it is

Squitten · 26/10/2013 15:13

It's not normal to keep picking over what sounds like trivia from a long time ago. And now you're picking over his use of words too.

You sound like you want to pick a fight with him TBH.

lunar1 · 26/10/2013 15:15

I think him saying not normal is polite considering that you are pestering him while he is working. If you really have to drag this up speak to him face to face, not by email.

Tikkamasala · 26/10/2013 15:27

It's not normal is putting it mildly OP

SarahBumBarer · 26/10/2013 16:49

It just all sounds a bit... weird

Don't you mean "not normal"?

RandomMess · 26/10/2013 16:52

The things is he didn't lie, you assumed he meant a month or so, you never asked him what he meant by a "short" time - that's why it really isn't normal for you to drag it up by email he hasn't deceived you at all. Do these communication difficulties between you cause lots of problems in your marriage? If they are then some relationship counselling may help you both learn how to talk to each other properly without these misinterpretations.

SarahBumBarer · 26/10/2013 16:56

OK - I'm hooked now!

Why did you name change for this?

What made you suddenly ask him the question again after 6 years?

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ilivewhereiwant · 26/10/2013 17:33

I just asked my husband what he meant by it's not normal. He answered 'why would you think other people wouldnt think?'

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 26/10/2013 17:54

It's not healthy for you - or your marriage - to pick over points from so long ago as you are doing with your husband.

By saying "it is not normal" I guess your husband is saying the same thing.

Your husband was not a virgin child groom when you married and you really have to understand this and reconcile yourself to the fact.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/10/2013 18:21

It wouldn't be normal behaviour for DH or I to rake up old conversations nor would it be normal for either of us to take much interest in relationships the other had had more than a decade before we met.

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