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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:29

I find quite disgusting to hear how bloody disposable so many people feel a member of the family is frankly.

OP posts:
skylerwhite · 22/10/2013 17:29

I cannot see him pulling out a magazine in front of the kids.

Would you have predicted that he would have watched porn in front of the kids?

I'm sorry, OP, I know all this is difficult to process, but I really think you are enabling your DH to take no responsibility whatsoever for any of this.

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:29

I have not been selective, I told the SW exactly what had happened, to the very last minute detail. I have withheld nothing.

OP posts:
cjel · 22/10/2013 17:31

wrt all the experts you are quoting - are you sure some of us telling you other things are not also highly trained in this field but just choose not to 'boast' about it in order to justify our opinions?

Thisisaeuphemism · 22/10/2013 17:31

You are kidding, op.

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/10/2013 17:32

TBH anyone who behaved like your DH is completely disposable.

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:33

'boast'?

My goodness.

Some of you are being so utterly pathetic.

Yes what a great boast 'ohhhh look i've had to phone the authorities because my husband a fucking idiot with no bloody common sense'

yay, what a GREAT boast for me.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 17:33

You are comparing watching a horror movie to this?

He sought out porn on purpose to get horny. He didn't just come across it, he actively wanted to get horny and then looked for images.

What person WANTS to get sexually aroused while watching children? And he did want to, he searched images for that reason only, he wanted sexual arousal.

I very much doubt this man has the control to not do this in future.

Whether or not my child witnessed it this would be a deal breaker, anyone who has that kind of mindset is not someone I can respect. He will always be a risk, he sounds screwed up with no boundaries. I doubt this incident will change him.

I am shocked that anyone could.

plinkyplonks · 22/10/2013 17:33

I still don't understand OP why you care so much what people think and why you feel you need to respond to them. I'm not sure if it's really helpful anymore other than to make you more defensive of your actions and your husband.

You're husband made an error of judgement. He's going to take actions to deal with his issues. If he doesn't deal with them or you feel he's putting your family endanger then you know what to do. There's nothing more to say is there?

skylerwhite · 22/10/2013 17:33

I find quite disgusting to hear how bloody disposable so many people feel a member of the family is frankly.

It's posts like that that raise the suspicion that your priority is keeping your family together, above protecting your children.

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 17:34

bela what did you mean by the boxroom comment?

filee can I ask,as we are all still here! why did you almost straightaway look at the computer page he had viewed? wondering if you had some suspicians?

Sallystyle · 22/10/2013 17:35

He is NOT an idiot with no common sense.

He is MUCH more than that.

AllThatGlistens · 22/10/2013 17:36

You are minimising this, as much as you try to eloquently protest otherwise.

I can't begin to imagine the horror and devastation you are suffering right now, I honestly can't, and I feel for you Sad

I'd suggest though, that instead of lashing out at posters on here, you direct your anger at the person who actually warrants it, your DH.

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 17:37

also,i would explore the fact he has no other place to go (should the need arise in the future.)

he's from south Africa? has he always lived here? any family here? just a thought,as this seemed to be the one sticking point in getting some breathing space from him.

cjel · 22/10/2013 17:38

Filee -read again! the 'boast' is about our qualifications to justify our views. I said nothing about you or your situation just the way you were saying you must be right because you had social workers and teachers etc 'on your side'

I object to being called pathetic for not agreeing with you? especially when you completely mis read what I said.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 17:39

After reading your comment that you dont think he would pull out a magazine infront of your son i believe you are very much in denial about what he would do. Please take your head out of the sand. You know what he will do to access porn! You caught him.

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 17:39

I don't think op is minimising this.....but i'm wondering how many partners out there actually go and do this. most likely with the spouse having no knowledge. I think its highly likely with mobiles being what they are these days. take the laptop out of the equation and I bet it happens to lots of MNers...

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 17:42

And if your computer takes up to a minute to go to sleep that means there was a whole minute when your son could have witnessed the porn while your dh was masturbating in the toilet.

ThreeTomatoes · 22/10/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChilledGuy · 22/10/2013 17:44

Spirulina it is ridiculously easy to view porn without leaving a trace these days. Too easy in fact.

Scarynuff · 22/10/2013 17:44

Another thing to think about filee (as I am sure you will rethink all of this over the next few weeks and months), is that you are willing to let your dh stay because you believe your ds didn't see any images of porn. You admit that there is a risk that he did see it, but you take the word of your dh that he didn't.

But the fact that your dh wanted to become sexually aroused whilst minding a child doesn't seem to concern you? You see this as degrees of stupidity and because he hasn't, in your view, shown the child any porn, the searching for it in the first place whilst in the company of a child has been minimised.

Read again what Samu posted:

He sought out porn on purpose to get horny. He didn't just come across it, he actively wanted to get horny and then looked for images.

What person WANTS to get sexually aroused while watching children? And he did want to, he searched images for that reason only, he wanted sexual arousal.

That's not a 'mistake' or an 'error of judgement' that is a deliberate decision.

Can you see why so many posters are aghast at this? Can you see how your own boundaries are blurred?

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 17:45

Its a bit silly to be using the word disgusting about people choosing to protect their dcs in light of the reason this thread was started. I am not disgusting for protecting myself and my dc. That will never be disgusting. What your husband did is the disgusting thing here.

wordfactory · 22/10/2013 17:45

spirulina see I'm not convinced I buy that. Oh everyone's doing it. They're just not. I bet not one poster on this thread has done it. Not one.

And lots of posters probably do enjoy watching porn. They just get that it is abusive to do so in the company of a child. So they don't do it. Simples.

But even if you're right and lots of posters' partners are merrily viewing porn and getting erections whilst sharing a sofa with their babies, does that mean it's ok?

Is there some special rule about right and wrong depending on numbers?

twoboysundertwo · 22/10/2013 17:47

why are yous still trying to rile the OP.
she made her decision. I don't know why yous feel the need to tell her she's wrong.

Spirulina · 22/10/2013 17:50

wordfactory that's exactly it....I did not say 'oh everyones doing it',nor did I mean or insinuate they were

just think its quite realistic to think one or two DH/partners MAY have done similar

but MNers are not yet aware....

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