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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:05

I really am :( i feel absolutely devastated by it all, I dont know if our relationship can recover. I am heartbroken and really upset by the whole bloody thing.

I am still so angry with him too. Its very difficult

but we need to find a way to move on (if possible)

OP posts:
Scarynuff · 22/10/2013 17:06

You are going to take the word of a man who has openly admitted he had trouble recognising sexual boundaries?

MatryoshkaDoll · 22/10/2013 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 17:07

"Now I am expected to tell my H to phone them, to say what exactly?"

not to say anything, to ask them for their guidance on how he can protect his children while he still poses a risk to them.

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:07

There is a huge difference between viewing porn inappropriately (or any adult content inappropriately) and abusing a child.

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 22/10/2013 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChilledGuy · 22/10/2013 17:07

I think she is. Good luck Filee

MatryoshkaDoll · 22/10/2013 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:08

Actually both social services and my CP tutor made the same connection about horror films.

Yes he left the room to go and masturbate, that is an issue certainly

but it doesnt mean he is abusing my son or that my son even saw anything.

Which by all accounts, he didnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:09

He doesnt 'pose a risk to them' though does he? Because there is no more porn in the house, what 'risk' of them seeing porn is there, if it is no longer accessible in the home?

OP posts:
ChilledGuy · 22/10/2013 17:11

They're implying (without evidence) that he's sat your DS in front of porn before that day and on the day itself.

BelaLugosisShed · 22/10/2013 17:12

Chilledguy - what with your history of self confessed porn addiction and emotional affairs, I really don't think you have the boundaries or thought processes of a fully mature and emotionally intelligent adult male to be frank. Have you got children ?

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:13

well there is absolutely no evidence of that. That is tandemount to child abuse and by all accounts did not happen, the nursery, SW and myself feel that it is incredibly unlikely that the boy saw anything or has done in the past.

OP posts:
Scarynuff · 22/10/2013 17:14

There is a huge difference between viewing porn inappropriately (or any adult content inappropriately) and abusing a child

filee using the word inappropriately minimises what he actually did. Also, trying to shift the focus on horror films. I know it's hard to face, but look at the same sentence with the full facts:

There is huge difference between viewing porn in the company of a child and abusing a child

and you will see that, no, actually, there is not a huge difference.

YoureBeingADick · 22/10/2013 17:14

you honestly think a man with such a strong desire to see porn that he would search it on the family computer in the same room as his child wont find another to watch it? he can alter the filters on his own phone, he can buy magazines or dvds. this man, until he has gone a good way through some serious addict treatment poses a risk to your children.

ChilledGuy · 22/10/2013 17:15

delighted someone decided to search for my posts, means a lotThanks

As a former porn addict maybe I'm more or less qualified to comment on this thread and last time I checked I was a normal sane person. I'll get booked in to get a certificate just for you.

skylerwhite · 22/10/2013 17:15

Which by all accounts, he didnt

It's only by your DH's account. And he's hardly likely to admit to anything.

Have you thought about what might have happened if you hadn't come downstairs when you did? If you hadn't forced your way into the room? That ALONE is a massive problem. Your DH clearly wanted to cover something up, didn't want YOU to see what was going on, but was perfectly happy for your child to be there.

haveyourselfashandy · 22/10/2013 17:19

Look,you have made your decision, now you AND your husband need to figure out what path to take to put this right...it will never be fixed if you do all the hard work.I hope he never makes this mistake again because I don't think it was anything sinister,he just did something really fucking stupid and thoughtless.I couldn't forgive this and if it was me he would be out,maybe in time you will feel like this too but in the meantime let HIM decide what HE needs to do to make this right.

witsalmader · 22/10/2013 17:23

it doesnt mean he is abusing my son or that my son even saw anything.
Which by all accounts, he didnt

Not all accounts. One account. Your husband's.

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:23

Yes I know, he says that he came out of the toilet as I was coming down the stairs and thats why we met at the door. I told all this to SW and to the nursery and to the NSPCC who said that due to the screen being minimised, the computer on sleep and so on, it sounded like the most likely situation. I know my computer and there is no way it would have gone onto sleep quickly, even when you ask it to 'sleep' it takes a good minute to switch off, so I know he wasn't sat on the sofa look at it on the computer when I came in.

He did look at porn, while my son was in the room and that was ridiculously inappropriate but the evidence to suggest he SHOWED porn to my son or allowed it to be viewed by him is really not there.

He was watching 'normal' porn, I have pulled up screens on the computer that i would not want my children to see, scenes from Syria for example, or information related to CP cases.

I agree he was negligent, stupid and thoughtless but I (and the professionals agree with me) see no reason to suspect it is anything more than that. IF it is something more than that, I am sure that the key workers at nursery who are aware of this will pick something up, as will I. I have assessed this risk and I do not feel that it is worth splitting the family up over.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:25

Plus there is now no more pornography viewable in the house, so he cannot access it around the children, yes he can buy magazines and so on but given that he went into the toilet to masturbate, I cannot see him pulling out a magazine in front of the kids.

The risk has been removed, as far as viewing porn goes. The only question is whether he used it in a predatory manner and there is no evidence of that.

OP posts:
BelaLugosisShed · 22/10/2013 17:25

Odd how SS have said everything is just fine, when they would remove a child from foster care in this situation.

OxfordBags · 22/10/2013 17:26

He still poses a risk because he clearly has some freaky shit going on as regards boundaries and what's appropriate. This could manifest itself in other forms, even if and when porn itself is removed from the equation. If you can't see the ramifications beyond the instance in isolation, then I fear for your kids even more.

And shame on you for now minimising what he's done for repeatedly going on about horror films. It'd be really bad for kids to see horror and gore, yes, in fact, the images might disturb them more at the time, BUT, the implications of them possibly seeing sexual images, and with their father, are so much worse than horror films, that again, if you cannot see this, I fear for your kids. The two are NOT comparable and it worries me deeply if professionals who deal with kids and abuse would tell you such ignorant lies.

And you are minimising. It's disgusting to witness the process of you normalising it for yourself, however much you appear to protest.

Original poster
filee777 · 22/10/2013 17:27

2 social workers on here, 1 ex social worker - now teacher, one current child protection social worker in my local area AND the NSPCC have all said that there is no reason for further action. I fail to see how that is 'odd' it seems pretty unanimous really.

OP posts:
cjel · 22/10/2013 17:28

OP. I am very worried that you think everything is good because all the people you spoke to thought it was. They only know what you told them.
I wonder why you accept what your dh said to you as the truth?
He is clearly un trustworthy, tries to hide you from your dc,actually blocking the door, and if he was so engrossed that he needd to leave t he room how on earth would he have known what dc was seeing? and his first response to you wanting him to leave was that 'it'll be your fault that the marriage broke up'

I get how distressed you are and how hard you are finding this but I think that your judgement is being clouded. You could talk to a thousand people about this and they would agree with you because you are selective in what you tell them.

I ask you to not reply to this but ponder on why you think this man is not lying? his distress may not be embarasment it could be fear at what may come out,

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