I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

No what is important is that your dcs are safe. I have now got upset from your last few posts. 'Only DH knows if dc saw porn' If there is even a chance that this may be possible what on earth are you doing?
The ss, nursery and nspcc only know what you have told them and if you are telling them that dh is ok, there is no problem, then that will be what they believe and act on.

I think you are now very naive at the least and your dh should be made to talk to these people for themselves so they can judge themselves.You now seem to be protecting your H from all the scrutiny he should be having.

OP, you've made your decision and I respect that. I just wish that you were honest about your intentions despite any RL or MN advice in the first place. Anybody with any wit about them knew what you wanted to happen how many hundreds of comments ago. As for "randoms" on MN, maybe you should have sought outside counsel in the first place. Expecting opinions to be parallel with what you wish to happen (when you are not being completely honest about your intentions) on an anonymous website is fantastical.
Why did you post here in the first place? I'm not being sly or cheeky, I am genuinely interested to know. An anonymous website seems the weirdest place to seek out support when what you really wanted was validation for a decision that you had already made.
Your husband is very lucky to have you. Many a man wants a "ride or die" woman.

Samu2, I agree with your point that it is his behaviour that ends the marriage but none of us know how we would act in the same situation. It's so easy to say it on here but to do it?.

Many people are presuming that he's shown his child pornography without evidence to support this so here's my theory which also has no evidence:

DH decided to surf for porn whilst his DS was at the other side of the room. Disgusting I know but he did it. I stand on the side that he's been a complete naive idiot and has had a severe wake up call. Of course we are going to hear what Filee has said/done as she is the one posting here not her DH so we don't know what he may have done off his own back or how he is feeling.

I agree with your first paragraph too, much easier said than done I am sure.

I disagree with you that he is just a naive idiot. It takes more than a naive idiot to seek out porn in the first place while caring for children. That isn't naive, that's a massive problem.

Also in her early posts she clearly said that dc was on the sofa by the screen and H barred her from going in the room and asked why she was up????

Also in her early posts she clearly said that dc was on the sofa by the screen and H barred her from going in the room and asked why she was up????

This. The child was on the sofa WITH THE OP'S HUSBAND

Child could've moved and she said it was on sleep mode meaning it had been off for a while or that he'd put it on sleep to make sure DS didn't see anything whilst he was out of the room?

OxfordBags - respect to you for some excellent posts.

Fileee777 - ime you are putting far too much faith in social services. And seeing as looking at porn and then going off to wank when you are supposed to be loking after your small child is not a deal breaker for you, what would be? And since it is so unimportant that it isn't a deal breaker for you what do you think you children will say to you when they are old enough to tell you their thoughts on the subject?

ChilledGuy - yes I would. If my husband ever did anything to hurt my children or put them in danger as being discussed on this thread then he would be out.

chilledguy I can tell you now that I know exactly how I would react in this situation. he would have been gone as soon as I had walked in and seen what OP did on the laptop.

I know this because I put my EXP out over far less than this.

do not tell me that I don't know my own boundaries.

OP for the 3rd time, yes- I know SS did not ask to speak with your husband. and for the 3rd time you ignored what I said about HIM needing to speak to them and the reasons why I said that.

you are, very worryingly, letting him sit back and make your responsible for this entire thing. from the moment he made you responsible if the relationship broke up right up until now when you are the one contacting all the professionals that HE should be speaking to and arranging.

Fair enough YoureBeingADick, he won't want to contact SS through shame probably. Wrongly Filee has done the legwork but all we can do is support her decision, not hope it comes back to bite her later on which I've seen on here.

who on earth has said they hope it comes back to bite her? if that was said that is appalling and quite disgusting to wish that on any child.

btw his shame should not be his priority- protecting his child should be his priority and he should be busting a gut to put measures in place to make sure he never ever puts his children at risk again. that means involving professionals and speaking to them about exactly what he has done and finding out exactly what he needs to do to ensure he never goes there again.

chilledguy - name the post and time that said that.

Hmm, these new posters siding with the OP, sock puppets a go-go.

It would be a deal breaker for anyone with half a brain cell.

I'm getting pissed off with people making things up and inserting facts whenever they fancy

Chilledguy saying posters had wished it to come back to bite

Whoever it was (I've forgotten the name ) that told me I was whooping and back slapping

The op who now enlightens us all that dh has said ds "absolutely didn't see anything"..... That wasn't the case as of what, half an hour ago??

If it wasn't so fucking serious it would be funny.

filee you have said that, prior to this incident, your dh did not realise the seriousness of viewing porn with a child in the room. You have said that, because of your discussions with him, he know does realise and won't do it again.

Has it occurred to you that this has probably happened lots of times in the past. Because your dh has been alone with the children before and, of course, thought it was ok to do what he was doing, so why wouldn't he.

Under the circumstances you describe, this seems like a 'normal', possibly daily, activity for your dh, one that he didn't even think to question. He honestly believed that it was ok to look at porn with a child in the room and to pop off for a quick wank, until it was spelled out to him, by you, that it wasn't.

What are your thoughts on that? I know he will swear that it has never happened before but, logically, that's unlikely isn't it.

I'm not trawling 800 posts but I saw a few stating things along those lines.

Saying the OP has half a brain as she doesn't go along with your thoughts? nice

I didnt contact SS, they contacted me, they told me the case was closed and not to worry anymore.
Now I am expected to tell my H to phone them, to say what exactly?

Why did I post this thread? To get support, I needed to speak to people about the situation and work out what I was going to do.

My first step was to remove the children and myself from the house
my second step was to remove my husband from the house
Third - speak to NSPCC who said given the information there was little evidence to suggest the children had been exposed to anything, I allowed husband to stay in his home rather than having nowhere to go on a Sunday night

Fourth step - I spoke to the nursery about the issue, asked them to be aware of any changes in behaviour and alert me immedately

Fifth, I spoke to my husband at length about the issues, about how I felt about it and how I felt about him, I told him that Social services would be involved and may want to speak to us/him

Sixth, I picked my children up from nursery an hour early, spoke to my CCP and head of nursery at length, made sure that clear notes were made, took the children home.

Seventh - spoke to nursery who informed me social services would be in touch, spoke to social worker at length about the issue, she told me that there was no sign of risk to the child, no examples of change of behaviour and no reason to suspect anything other than what my husband had to say had happened - case closed.

I have been told from all the people that I have spoken to that I am doing the right thing, I am not prepared to break up a family based upon one stupid mistake. Be alert to it, sure, be aware of it, definitely.

I am also quite shocked that so many would be able to just split up a marriage just like that, I dont think it would do my children any good, I dont think that it would do anyone any good and it does not need to matter.

That is my decision, it is not inspite of my childrens wishes or needs, they are a huge huge part of it.

He made a stupid mistake, would people feel the same if it were a violent horror film he was watching? Because I would, it is still inappropriate for a child to see and they should be protected from it. He knows that now and has made sure pornography is not available inside our home. The social workers, nursery and NSPCC are happy with that outcome. As am I.

Again, I respect that you all have differing opinions but I did start this thread for support through what has been an awful, awful time for me and I would rather people put down the bone. I am not going to leave my husband over this one incident, if we do split up, it will be in a way that ensures we all have a roof over our heads.

I have grilled him about whether or not this has happened before, he has assured me it has not.

Given that there is no sign to suggest otherwise I will have to take his word for it, just like i've had to take his word up til now.

It certainly wont be happening again, thats for certain.

Your husband searching for porn, looking at porn, and getting turned-on by porn in the company of your child 'isn't a deal-breaker' for you. That's it. Pity children don't get to say 'well, actually, it's a deal-breaker for me'.

Sorry but why do I need to answer your question? I have started this thread for support for ME not to fulfil some bizarre need inside you.

I dont know is the answer, its something we need to build on together.

As I have previously said, the biggest concern for me was with safeguarding, now that we have conceded that there is no risk to the children, we can work on the trust/relationship issues.

Just read whole thread.All I know is that if this man was my dp it would make my skin crawl to have him around me and my kids.I hope everything works out well for you and your family op you must be going through hell at the moment,I would be.

Funny that chilledguy. Because nobody had said it. "Along those lines" isn't quite the same is it?!