I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

thank you Miss S.

Yes yes 3tomatoes...that was exactly my point.

But whoever said that she's attached no conditions to how they move forward from here was right

That was me. And I would like to point out that I haven't been shouting divorce either but saying your marriage is in doubt and you realise the severity of what has happened, and then allowing it to go completely forgotten about, well it's hypocritical at the least.

Everything mamma said about this being black and white if it was anyone else other than one of the parents. I think that's a really good guage actually on what should be tolerated and what is not. There is no way this would be tolerated if it was any one else.

The other thing is if the op was genuinely satisfied with the NSPCC's advice and genuinely didn't think that he posed a risk then why inform the people that her husband has to deal with on a daily basis, that smacks more of trying to punish and shame him rather than genuinely wanting their advice.
I think she should have phoned ss herself to be honest and gone from there... Its such a difficult situation

Good points MatryoshkaDoll. Furthermore, I wouldn't need to run to so many professionals in order to affirm/confirm what I needed to do. The fact that i had to even think about going to them would mean that i would have to give the father the heave ho. It's his behaviour, post incident that is alarming. He has only suffered temporary discomfort and the infantile way that he is being treated (serious talks from the OP like a child) will I feel only contribute to his sense of entitlement. I for one spotted his rage issues, just in the little comment from Op, alluding to her breaking up the marriage if he has to leave. He knows how to wrap Op around his finger. She appears to have the overt personality in this relationship and he, the covert, seemingly submissive one. This thread will run because there are people who through learning or experience KNOW the subtle and nimble signs of a true prat and are steadily making the links and going "oh" and "umm", every time another sign gets ticked on the checklist. The OP needs to sit back, ask her husband one question at a time as dispassionately as possible and let this helpless waif answer without her interrupting. She needs to stop letting him hide behind her passion and strength. I hope that she is okay today. She's been through a lot, unlike her husband.

"I think she should have phoned ss herself to be honest "

and she still can. I think that's very important for OP to know. she does not have to accept the decisions she has made up to this point as permanent. she can speak to other professionals. she does not have to accept NSPCC's advice not to involve the police. it was advice- not a rule.

I do fear OP has made a decision that he wont be leaving and that is that. OP you have every right to revisit that decision as many times as you feel you need to. you can continue to seek advice from other professionals. this is by no means done and dusted and life returning to normal. at the very least I would be telling your husband that he is absolutely at your mercy WRT whether he has a place in your children's home. he needs to be pulling out all the stops now in proving how he completely gets how wrong he was and how much professional help he will need before he is trustworthy again. and that you can decide at any time that you don't want him in the house.

another thing that concerned me was OP's comment to her husband that they weren't out of the woods yet as she could have turned up at nursery to find SS waiting for her.

you seem to think or have at least implied to husband that SS visiting you is a bad thing, as if you are trying to prevent that and even worse, as if that is the problem with what he has done- that he will have risked SS being involved in your lives. it isn't. out of the woods is when you know your dc are safe from the risk this man poses to them. out of the woods will be when he is at the far end of his treatment for his serious porn addiction. out of the woods is when you don't have to have a password on your phone and sleep with your bedroom door open and worry every time you leave the room/house that your husband and dcs are in.

i do find it odd that you said that tbh.

I think it is obvious she isn't going to change her mind.

I do not agree with her decision at all, her complete change of tone in this thread worries me and I worry that her husband sounds pretty darn manipulative. There are red flags everywhere. What stuck out to me was the line 'If I ask him to leave it will be putting my husband at real risk' like HE is some child who needs protecting.

At first I thought OP was (sorry to sound like I am talking about you and you aren't here) doing everything she can, now I just see something much deeper going on, deeper than the porn even.

I couldn't look at my husband in the same way. I couldn't respect anyone who decided to seek out porn pictures while with their child and then go for a wank. It shows such a shocking lack of boundaries which I don't think can be cured by putting a password on a computer and I couldn't live with anyone like it. If he has did this once I bet anything it wasn't the first time and when the dust has settled down? probably won't be the last.

OP isn't going to change her mind though, I think this is all falling on deaf ears at this point.

op

I feel really sorry for you and the terrible situation you are going through.

Please continue to keep seeking outside help from as many trusted proffessionals/people as possible until you are clear about how to move forward with your family.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Your life has changed almost overnight with recent revelations and it will take you some time to be clear about how to proceed.

Please ignore the backslapping and whoops from posters who enjoy the validation of others agreeing with their point of view.
To many of us, this is distasteful and of no way helpful to you.

There are many of us out here who also have knowledge and experience who appreciate what you are going through at the moment without feeling the need to browbeat you.

This thread is yours, if some posters are angry that you do not agree and will not follow their advice then they should leave the thread.

Much love & kindness xx

i think it is very very dangerous if OP has made this decision never to revisit it again.

I thought this yesterday but didn't post it, but I do get a strong sense of OP not wanting to/being afraid to stand up to her husband. the posts since yesterday about OP's mental health issues have just confirmed what I thought.

I certainly did not whoop and I certainly didn't enjoy a back slap. I thanked so embody for validating a point I made because for a while I thought I was in some parallel universe, where suggesting a man who looks at porn in front of his 3 year old should leave the family home for a while was treated as a ridiculous idea.

Please don't exaggerate or make things up. I thanked someone for validating a post. No whoops or back slaps here because that would be distasteful. I haven't forgotten that this is about a 3 year old child as many seem to have.

Of coursemamma because you are the ONLY person on here who cares about children.

Quite frankly I'm tired of hearing your opinion....over & over & over again.

You made your point, now LEAVE THE WOMAN ALONE

thankfully threads on MN are not run according to whether you are tired of hearing people's opinions or not uptheanty

Where did I say I was the only one to care ffs?

I'm responding to other people's comments, which I thought was the purpose of MN, no?

I haven't asked anything of the op since I wished her luck this morning.

I don't think it's your place to police the thread either.

Excuse me?

Back slapping and whooping?

Just because people reply differently to you does not mean they are back slepping or whooping.

Everyone is coming from a place of concern. We may not all post in the same manner but it's fucking offensive to say some are just replying because they are enjoying it. That has not happened on this thread at all.

Oh and if the OP has had enough of opinions she knows she can ask for it to be removed.

If you, Uptheatny are tired of reading opinions over and over you are free to leave this thread too.

I have spoken to Social Services today, they just wanted to call and clarify what the nursery told them this morning.

I spoke for a short while with a social worker, she explained the necessity of making sure that he understands the boundaries and quite how serious this is, I assured her that we had had this conversation and that he had agreed that no porn should be available in the home. She thought this was very positive and re-iterated that actually, often people just get so desensitised that they dont realise the seriousness of viewing adult content in front of children and how damaging that can be.

He does realise that now, the social worker had never ever heard of us, had no reason to believe the children were in danger and was comforted by the nursery's description of the children.

The case has been closed (in fact I dont think it was opened)
and unless anything else comes up there is no need to re-address it professionally with regards to the children.

She commended me for speaking to the NSPCC, for taking good advice and for speaking to the nursery.

My husband has been scared shitless by this, he is not taking it lightly and is really embarrassed and upset with himself.

I am sure that we will be able to come through this and be stronger on the other side, its going to take time and trust-building but still is possible.

did she speak to your DH? I think that would be a good idea for him to speak with SS so he isn't just hearing this from you.

No she didn't suggest she needed to speak to my husband, he is at work anyway and I am at university, I imagine if she felt the need to speak to me and him in anymore detail, she would have arranged to visit the home.

no I don't think she does need to speak to your husband. I think he needs to speak to her. he can call on his lunch hour.

because at the minute you are the one who has taken on the entire responsibility for reporting this, for seeking advice, for making him aware of how serious this is. I think he really should step up here and speak with these professionals himself instead of hearing it all from you. he is basically leaving it to you to fix his behaviour and make sure everything is ok again. apart from apologising and being embarrassed about seeing nursery staff he hasn't taken any responsibility for putting things right.

This gets more ridiculous.

A man looks at porn in front of a child.

Reported to ss.

As talk to his wife. Not him, his wife.

With that I am leaving the thread. Not because a bully has told me too but because I give up.