I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Filee you've done everything you could and done it well and been very brave. What you've done has taken so much courage and I'm disgusted by some of the comments on here.

I can guarantee you that some of the people on here screeching to kick out your DH have husbands who probably look at porn but are far smarter at covering it up. It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high if the automatic reaction to someone making a mistake is to end the marriage. Marriage has highs as well as lows and if two people love each other there's nothing they can't work through.

Take care Filee and I hope you get all the help you need.

Op, everyone wants the best for you, whatever their opinions have been on this thread. I very much doing SS will insist on him moving out. Maybe (hopefully) they can suggest the appropriate counselling he may benefit from? As will the gp (I think an appointing was mentioned).

Wishing you all the best op. This was an horrendous situation that you were put into...you've had to deal with the aftermath and I understand you've dealt with it as you see fit.
Good luck. I said it upthread...I hope the mumsnetter you're in phone contact with is of great support to you
X

• not doing, doubt

I doubt they will either, there is no evidence to suggest that my child has viewed pornography.

He will make an appointment as HE sees fit, not how YOU see fit.

As I have said (Countless times) I am concentrating on making sure the children are safe and then my husband and I will look at how to attempt to repair our marriage.

I didn't suggest anything about an appointment that hasn't been said in thread! Sorry, actually thought you had suggested it at some point.

Ah chilled guy, that's the answer is it - not less porn but more understanding of "mistakes"?
Weird.

Op, you've done well.

filee777

I have followed your thread from the beginning as it began with your shock and disbelief until it progressed into anger as you grasped the potential seriousness of the situation.

This is a very natural progression and one you handled very well, despite the flaming and emotive language thrown around by some posters any escuse for a good self righteous scrap you remained firm and strong.

I do not think you've taken the easy route, I feel it could easily have been something you could minimise and forget about in time if you were so inclined.

Your training and knowledge obviiously indicates to you that while you view it as stupid, there is a possibility that it could be more. It may be more, but it may not be.

You have not brushed this under the carpet, you have exposed your dh to outside authorities ( a fact you were very clear on when you stated your conversation with the nursey was logged and passed on to ss), you have removed any shame or secrecy from your home, and we all know this is how abusers thrive.

Given the information you have currently i feel you have behaved as you should and have take the required steps to protect your dc's as the situation stands.Please remember this if the situation changes.

Please continue to be aware of any possible further developments, your dc's are very lucky to have you and I for one think you have been very brave.

OP, you've done really well holding your own on this thread - defending your choices and answering questions.

I'm impressed by your strength and really do wish you all the best.

OP, it is terribly hard and tiring answering questions. But surely that's to be expected? Surely you cannot in all seriousness have expected everyone to agree with your course of action?

The reality is that many many people both on MN and in RL, would disagree with your course of action. You have to accpet that. Just as you have to accept that if this is the wrong call you are making, then you have to accept that it was you who made it.

If this is the wrong call, then the grilling here will be as nothing compared to dealing with the authorities.

You know this, I'm sure.

I have accepted other opinions just not.the insistence that I must come to the sane.conclusion

Well yes, but you can't now expect that puts an end to it.

As a very emminent judge once said 'I will continue to raise inconvenient and uncomfortable questions where a child cannot do so for himself.'

He will make an appointment as HE sees fit, not how YOU see fit

So you are not attaching any conditions to him staying then, despite the fact that he, at the very least, has a skewed vision of what is appropriate behaviour with a three year old child in the room?

You are letting your child down. By all means, chose to trust him. But to do so blindly is not fair to that child and you are not doing your best to protect him.

I havent ut.sn end.to it, just asked for support in my decision rather than.someone else's ,

Word factory...you've lived up to your name and eloquently out into words what I couldn't.

• put into words

OP, again you simply can't ask or expect people to do so. Either on MN or in real life.

It is rather naive of you to even expect that when you are talking about such grave matters as child protection.

I cannot believe this thread is still going on and on and on....

fillee777 I am seriously worried about you, your children and any future children you will be in charge of keeping safe should you qualify as a social worker.

It doesn't matter if you have issues around sex when with your partner. It is not comparable to what your husband has done. Unless your issues around sex involve masturbating in front of your child. Of course they don't but do you see how they are two hugely different points?

You were at how often young children are exposed to pornography yet you allow someone who has potentially done that to stay in your home. Of course you say he isn't going anywhere so pointless to say different but think about it.

Just because 2 or three people say it is fine for him to stay and your children aren't at risk doesn't make it so. You have no idea how many other times your child has seen something he shouldn't and how many times he has been left alone because your husband felt if he didn't wank off there and then he would .

You just don't seem to be grasping how serious this is.

I will be sorry if you feel I am being unkind but I am worried. I think you need a lot of help for your own issues and difficulties and suggest that is a huge priority. You need to be in a fit state to give boundaries and guidance to your children.

When you say if it happens again he is out do you say that in the hope it won't or in the knowledge it might. If you think it might enough to decide what you would do if it did doesn't that make you think?

Sometimes the stuff we really need to hear is the last thing we want to hear. I have to say i would be absolutely stunned and pretty disgusted if everyone was responding to say you're doing the right thing. I am glad MN is not the sort of place that will agree just to be polite when it comes to the safety of a child or a woman being abused (not you- i have seen other threads where that is the case)

When i was going through what i did with exp MN was the one place i could guarantee i would get the absoloute truth about my situation and it was hard to hear. Believe me when i say i know how hard it is to make that decision to tell your children's father to leave. I have been there and i had MN holding my hand the whole way through. The tough love is not easy to take and your first instinct is to defend him because well if its true what they are saying then that means you've picked a wrong'un and you've let him be the father to your children. I should have made exp leave a good while before i did but it took an incident infront of my son for me to actually see how damgerous things were. I dont know if you will have a moment of realisation or not. I truly hope he doesnt ever give you cause for one. I just know that in your shoes there is not a snowballs chance in hell he would be in the house with my children.

I support your decision filee. You've not defended your husband and you have involved authorities. You've made the harder decision to try save your family.

YBAD.

The brotherhood...I don't understand why you're surprised this thread is still going.

A 3 year old's welfare is at the heart of this. Previous posters who suggest that some posters are 'like a rag with a bone' or 'on it for a scrap' are probably the same people who would overlook red flags that later turn out to be serious child protection cases.

It was me three tomatoes. Thank you for saying my point was valid. The op would like to believe that anybody not agreeing with her is being unsupportive and just wants her husband to leave. I actually haven't said that he should leave for good, I thought it would teach him a quick sharp lesson and allow her time to think.

The main thing is to ensure this doesn't happen again. The answers that include "if this happens again" leave me very uncomfortable. It MUST not happen again.

• meant he should leave for few days to teach him a sharp lesson.