I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP has said she has made her choice. The people she chose to disclose to are professional and a teacher doesn't have the same skills as those she has disclosed to any more than a child protection trained social worker will know how to teach.
Stop going on at her and I am angry that you are resorting to question the qualifications of the people she has spoken to.

Well said filee. Can't believe the amount of grief you've been getting on here.
It's a pity that so many people equate an inability for rational thought and an inclination for hysteria with faultless parenting and a way of quantifying the love they have for their DCs.

I haven't read each and every thread but in parts, this thread reads like a witch hunt.

Very easy to say what you'd do when it's not you living it!
Hope you're ok filee x

No, I'm sorry if I haven't made myself understood. I wasn't at all questioning their qualifications. The early years practisers are in the same field as me. Teachers and early years practitioners would have the same procedures. I was saying that she couldn't have advised the op on WHETHER THE DC IS AT risk because SHE IS NOT ALLOWED to. Her duty of care is to the child in her care and she is BEEAKING the LAW not to report her conversation with op.

Hope you follow that. Jesus, are you just arguing with anyone who is not saying that the bloke was right did taking a wank while his child was left alone.

Misfit less....read the whole thread. It's not a witch hunt. Read every post.

People thinking that a serious conversation and a lock on the pc when a bloke has behaved like this disgust me. All of you posters saying that's ok, I'd love to see what your reaction would be if this story had been posted with the man being a grandad or family friend or child minder. You'd all be up in arms. But it was ops hubby so that's ok. Put a bloody lock on the PC.

I'm glad you're not throwing him out as so many on here seem to think you should.

He's hopefully learnt his lesson and will not be repeating this again.

I hope you both manage to come through this without too much damage OP.

But the nursery would have to follow child protection guidelines, so they would have to pass the information to someone who is qualified to make that judgement. I think OP said that is what they have done.

I hope that your marriage survives, and that your DCs continue to have a happy and loving relationship with both of their parents. What he did was truly wrong and shocking, but it doesn't make him a child abuser or a paedophile. I'm sure that this has probably been said, but I couldn't stomach reading the whole post so I'm not sure.

I understand exactly, but not any of you words after'jesus'. Op has done what she said she would do . she has said she is still unsure a bout the future with her H . She is in bits about this and has told everyone she could. Being horrid to her isn't helping her the NSPcc and social worker she spoke to told her the same and they weren't under the same restrictions.

I am not arguing unlike a lot on here, I just think you should give the OP more credit for the crap situation she is going through and My training is to get the right result the Person you are listening to should be made to feel supported to feel safe enough to make the decisions that are right.

Yes they would need to report it and yes she said they did. She also said her decision for him to stay had been backed up by professionals. I was trying to say (not very well) that the nursery manager should not have backed up any decisions. That is not what she should be doing in a case like this. Her duty of care is to the child and she would not have passed comment on decisions.

Sorry mamma yes, I should have read the whole thread, but it's hundreds of posts long.

Cjel...bad typos...bloody I phone.

Yes you're right, I'm sorry if op does not feel supported. Sometimes questions need to be asked.

Passions run high when you're discussing the welfare of a 3 year old.

Misfits...I wouldn't really comment if you haven't read the whole thread because it want as cut and dried as people accessing him of abuse.

Sorry mamma yes, I should have read the whole thread, but it's hundreds of posts long

Pour yourself a gin and tonic before you start...

HA HA mamma Ihave that troublex

Viewer.... :) lol

And then misfits.. Pour us all one. We could all do with one.

Op...I genuinely hope this all comes good for you. Hope the mumsnet ter calling you on Thursday helps you.

Good luck xx

I think Mamma has a very valid point.

These people shouldn't be "backing up" her decision because they're not in a position to. If they were following procedure, they would report and not be advising her to keep a potentially dangerous man in the house with her children.

In much the same way as we don't know that he is an abuser, they don't know that he isn't.

Cjel- especially when I'm on a typing rant...

It's not ok at all, mamma. I don't think anyone thinks it's even slightly ok. It's as if those of us who are not waving flaming sticks and shouting "divorce the bastard, divorce the bastard!" think that watching porn in the same room as any child of any age is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. What he did was sick, but it's like you're using it as proof that he's some kind of predatory child abuser.

Thank you Walter. That is all I was saying. I know that teachers/early year practitioners are only permitted to listen, ask non- leading questions and then report. They shouldn't have backed up any decisions.

Yes you're probably right - I perhaps shouldn't comment further. And thanks for the gin advice. Have dipped in and out of the post at various points but must have missed some important developments along the way. Good luck to filee x

No misfits. I haven't said divorce. At the start of the thread I said ask him to leave for a few days to give him a shock at what he stands to lose. The question of whether it could be grooming was made by another poster when it was pointed out that they could have been sat on the sofa together when the images were in the laptop. That's in the ops own words. Nobody said it was DEFINATELY anything. People made the point that we just don't know what went on...the op doesn't either and that is where the debate came.

Personally I think he was a selfish fuck wit that thought it was ok to look at porn with his son in the room. It's still negligent and sine would say abusive to expose a child to porn.

I wasn't being funny when I said read the whole thread. You've missed a lot.

Good luck, filee- I hope you are able to get through this one way or the other and come out the other end. I don't think you need any more advice (even if I was remotely qualified to offer it) but FWIW I think you have been incredibly calm and patient in the face of some fairly extreme and unjustified provocation on the thread.

What happens if your childcare provider reports to SS as they are obligated to? Assuming that you did discuss it with them.

My childcare provider WILL be contacting SS this morning (as I qualified earlier in the thread) I have told them to please contact me if they need to speak to me about anything at all.

I have told H that we are not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot and that I would not have been surprised if when I arrived at the nursery yesterday, SS would already be there.

Yes they did give me their opinion, well the owner of the nursery did, because she is my FRIEND and knew that I desperately needed someone to talk to. She has also been a teacher/head teacher for over 25 years and has met my husband. She said 'From what I have seen he looks like a lovely father, this must come as such a shock' and I said

'Predators don't come with badges, quite often they come off as 'lovely fathers'

she had to agree with that. I am not taking this lightly, I am not ignoring it, putting it down or forgetting it happened. I am also, however, not throwing my husband out of his home, he is from ZA, he has nowhere else to go, if i were to leave then i would have friends around but even my family have dispersed and gone abroad etc, he grew up in a foreign country so its a bit different.

Obviously, if SS say that he must leave, then he will leave but I haven't had any information suggesting that will be the case.

He is no more a risk to my children than another man who I have dated for a year and who moves in with me, someone who is not their biological father or so on.

I know the risks, I study the risks.

I am NOT splitting up my family over this one incident, I will ask (again) that people stop telling me to, because regardless of whether you think I should or not, its not going to happen, I have sought advice and come to my own decision whilst in receipt of far more facts than you.

One of the things I said yesterday in my meeting was 'I removed him from the house and called NSPCC, I didnt want to allow him back in the house before deciding if he was a risk to my children, I didnt want to make that decision alone because I am too emotionally invested in the situation to do so.'

Whatever 'questions' you may have for me (which are tiring and repetitive as we've gone over them many many times already) my decision as far as the incident on Sunday has been made.

I hope I am right about it, just as I hope every mother is right about the relationship she has with her partner and their relationship to children.

Nobody has a magic 8 ball which can tell us this for sure, we have to choose to trust or not and I choose to trust right now.