I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Arguably ANY person other than me poses 'some risk' to my children.

No he will not be leaving the house for this one incident, if anything happens again or our marriage breaks up, that would be different.

I cannot see how I can make that clearer.

I have not 'compared' his issues with using pornography with my issues with sex, someone mentioned they would not have a partner if they had issues with sex. I disagreed.

There is really no need to 'read' more into it than what is written.

It's not the fact its just ONE incident or that he has 'issues with using pornography'.

It's that he HAS used pornography whilst a child was present in the same room. That is what was written so no-one's reading more into it.

Yes and if any person was known to have used porn in front of your child would you invite them to live in your house with your child?

Doubtful.

He lives here, there is no invite. He already is here, he is their father. Cutting him out of their lives would be cruel to all concerned (based on this one incident) working as a family towards a healthier image of sex and each other is what is needed and that is what we will do.

With all due respect, it is my decision and I have made it. I dont need to be brow-beaten into making a different one (which I wont, the decision is made)

"Arguably ANY person other than me poses 'some risk' to my children. "

Arguably ALL people (including you) pose "some risk" to your children.

I don't know why people are demanding the impossible of you. There is no such thing as zero risk.

I think looking at porn with a child in the room is pretty sick, but this is far from the first time I've read on here about a father searching for porn while looking after his children.

I've never seen quite such an extreme reaction to it.

This is your decision. It wouldn't be mine, but I don't know how anyone (including you) can be sure what is right here.

All you can do it your best and you're doing it.

Im not saying you should cut him out. I posted at the very beginning of the thread that i think he should leave for. While until this has been dealt with. It hasnt been dealt with. He hasnt sought any help.

And yes he lived there until the point where he made it necessary for you to reconsider that arrangement, you considered it and invited him to stay.

he can't leave 'for a while' he has nowhere to go.

join I totally respect that you would do something different, that would be your decision as this is mine.

Thank you for supporting me regardless of having a different point of view.

As i said he does indeed have somewhere to go. I have posted it twice now which you havent acknowledged because i think you know it is an option you are choosing to ignore.

Yes, I did reconsider, with the assistance of professional advice which has now been backed up by 2 early years professionals and a social worker with 20 years in child protection.

You would have made a different decision, fine.

That doesnt make my decision the 'wrong' decision or the 'right' decision, thats not what this is about. It is about my family going through an awful bit of shit which HOPEFULLY will result in a healthy change of approach to certain aspects of our lives for ever.

No, he doesnt have anywhere else to go. The council is shut now as it was shut on Sunday, he was turned away from the YMCA and the homeless hostel.

He has NOWHERE TO GO, you are the one choosing to ignore that, instead acting as if you know my family and situation better than I do.

When it comes to children you cant put any bets on 'hopefully'

Option 1 he stays while waiting to get professional help and there is risk this happens again.

Option 2 he leaves at least temporarily while waiting to get professional help and there is NO risk that your dc will be exposed to porn in your home.

That is not a risk that is in any way worth taking.

As a teacher I want to tell you that the two early years workers are legally not allowed to pass judgement in the risk or on your decision. They should be passing this on to their senior member of staff responsible for child protection in their pre school. I'm pretty sure the procedure is not to discuss the personal viewpoints etc but to record the facts.

Your lecturer is also not a social worker on this case so was really advising you as an acquaintance and not in a professional capacity.

Why is the council shut on monday? Sunday understandable but monday? Did you ring them today? When did he go to ymca and the hostel and why was he turned away? Why did he go to them? Why not mention that earlier?

The porn is blocked in my home, there is no way the children have access to it.

You are just (for some reason) wanting a man to be street-homeless to satisfy your own sense of morality. I am not going to change my mind because you have told me too, I cannot make that any clearer to you.

Had any of the professionals I have spoken to suggested differently then we would have worked with that.

You are being ridiculous and incredibly unsupportive, this is a thread in Relationships that I posted to assist me in a really difficult and sensitive issue, not to be brow-beaten by someone who thinks they know better than many professionals and a persons wife.

You've given me your point of view, I accept it but I have come to a different decision. Just accept it and move on with your life (like I wish I could)

I did mention it earlier, when he was walking around on Sunday.

I am not being interrogated here, for some reason you have a bee in your bonnet and its a bit desperate and pathetic. Once again, I have heard your opinion, i accept it and I have come to a different conclusion. You not being okay with that is not going to change my mind.

When it comes to children you cant put any bets on 'hopefully'

Yes, you can.

And we all do it every day.

Making their Dad homeless (which is what you are demanding here) also brings risks of harm to these little kids.

You don't think this is the right decision. OK, fine.

But I am baffled as to how you can be so sure that what you are recommending is the right course of action.

I really think it's time to stop now.

filee might still need support getting through this. Even if she isn't doing what you think is right.

Of course the owner of the nursery (pretty much the most senior childcare professional I have ever met) who happens to be a good friend and whose shoulder I cried on and gave me her advice, is able to advise me.

Of course my tutor was able to give me good professional advice.

I would really like support and I have a lovely Mumsnetter phoning me on Thursday to talk me through some stuff, but I will not continue updating if its just going to turn into another shit fest, its pointless. The decision is made.

'No he will not be leaving the house for this one incident, if anything happens again or our marriage breaks up, that would be different'.

You are willing to take the risk that it happens again???
And it was the one incident? It was the one incident that you actually discovered and know about.

Your defence and concern about his safety are remarkable, I couldn't stomach to be in the same house. Did H go to the GP today to get the ball rolling for the help and education he obviously needs? If not, why?

Ok op you can accuse me i having a bee in my bonnet ( most people would at the idea of letting someone who did what your husband did stay in the same house with children) if that makes you feel better about your decision. I am not demanding you do anything but i am very much questioning what you have done and why. I really think you should continue to question your own decision. Maybe you are privately and dont wish to say so on thread. Regardless i very much hope he is so disgusted with himself that he cant bring himself to even think about porn again and that your children are and will remain unharmed by his behaviour.

You're speaking about the OP's husband whom she loves (or loved), I presume, and who is the father of her children, and with whom she has spent several years of her life.
It seems extremely harsh that because of this one thing he's done so many obviously want her to pack his things and throw them out, then chase him out of the door with a hammer or something, and right out of her life forever - just like that!

He'd very likely have been having a quick look at pics without sound or at very low volume, and which were hidden from the child's view so that it actually saw nothing.

Nothing she says is going anywhere near to satisfying their eagerness, almost desperation, to make her break up her marriage and completely change her whole way of life and circumstances up till before this happened.

No I'm sorry...the manager of the nursery cannot advise you on whether your son is at rush or not. That is not her job, her job is to report it. I know that because I'm a teacher trained in child protection. It's not to do with your friendship with her it's to do with her duty of care for your son!

Your lecturer can advise you as a friend but not in a professional capacity and again would not, I'm sure, make judgement on whether your son was at risk. You don't even know if your husband will do this again. How would your lecturer???

• at risk

"You are willing to take the risk that it happens again???"

Yes, she is.

As she has said numerous times.

Her assessment is that the risk is small.

Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong.

But it's her call.

She's sought advice from lots of people who are experts in this field.

She's not turning a blind eye to what happened.

She's dealing with it in the way that seems best to her.

There really is no need to keep banging on and on and on about this.

Who is it helping?

She's not going to change her mind.

All you're doing is making it harder for her to look for support here if she needs it.