I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

I would really leave the thread now, filee some people wont listen to your point of view, even if you got 50 professionals to agree with you.

I think you are doing the best you can right now. Just be vigilant and as I'm sure you will, always put your children first.

filee I think you are doing fine and you are responding to posts with well thought out and articulated answers. It's clear that you are taking everything on board and that, far from being over, this vigilance is just begun and will continue.

I don't know why people keep telling you to leave your own thread. You have made it clear that you have your opinion and whilst you are open to other opinions, you will take some time to consider them and think about what you are going to do next.

There are some posters saying that he should be out of the house and, tbh, if he had somewhere to go you probably would have asked him to leave for a few days at least. You don't have that option at the moment, but you reserve the right to kick him out onto the streets if some serious changes are not made.

So, you are going to talk with him again tonight. It might help to make a list of what you want to discuss and to keep focussed. He might try to go off on a tangent and you could end up by not really achieving anything.

What do you want? No porn in the house or elsewhere when he has children with him is obviously rule no. 1. Will he agree to that? If not, what do you want to do about it? Also, presumably you want him to take some action to change his mindset? Would you like him to seek help from his gp or have counselling, or what? What will you do if he doesn't agree?

The fact that he Google's pictures of pussies to me says he hasn't got a clue what he's doing. There's plenty of sites that are a search away that will give you what you want. Plus Google blocks all adult images as standard too.

Well we had our talk.

He said very quickly that he feels he has an issue with pornography and has said he will phone the phone company and have the content blocked to the computers, which makes sense as we will not be viewing it and if the kids are here... well it just makes sense

he said that off his own back.

I told him that I had told the nursery and he was ashamed and feels he cannot go in there, he feels awful about it and realises how serious it all is. He knows the nursery will be/have phoned CP and it will be logged as an incident.

I spoke to him about our relationship and how much building needs to be done, I told him i dont know if we can come back from this and if necessary he will be moving into his own place.

I then had a meeting at the nursery, with the manager and the woman who runs the nursery who were lovely with me and said i had done all the right things.

They will be speaking to SS tomorrow morning, to log it as an incident but they said that its very doubtful they will want to speak to me.

Now to sort out my shambles of a marriage (if possible)

also had an appointment today which I thought would really help my mental health but actually was totally pointless.
Joy

Oh Filee, what a lot going on for you.Glad you have told all these people, like you say a lot of bridge building to do.

Is there a chance he could work towards finding somewhere to stay then at least you'd know you had that option if you needed it?x

I think you've done really well in facing up to this filee and I also think you've been very brave in doing the right thing and speaking to the nursery. You are putting support around your children and the wider the net, the easier it is to catch those signs. I expect you know all about that.

What about your dh taking steps to tackle his porn problem? Blocking it is good but is he going to ask for counselling?

What a tough time you've had. You've done really well. Its good DH recognises he has a problem with porn. Would he have counselling too?

Blocking the sites is the tip of the iceberg though, isn't it? It's a symptom, not a cause.

He feels he can't go into the nursery? Perhaps he should be more concerned with your feelings and with not exposing his child to this.

He says he has a problem with pornography. It's beyond that. It took you going ape shit before he thought it was wrong to do what he did??

What if you hadn't woken up and come downstairs?

What is he going to do to miraculously fix himself so he no longer feels like breaking the law and engaging in criminal activity by exposing a three year old child to this sort of thing?

Sorry your mental health meeting didn't go better :(

I can't believe how strong you're being right now if your own mental health isn't the best.

I think his offer to "see someone" about his "porn problem" was almost guaranteed to be his response to what happened.

Blaming his choices on an addiction has obvious appeal from where he was standing.

That said, porn does seem to do weird things to some men's brains, so who knows.

Keep going, you're doing great :)

He agreed that he has an unrealistic view of what sex is, he is not going to see anyone just yet, i mean its taken me MONTHS to get a referral to the wrong person in our mental health department, I kind of want something a bit quicker than that.

He hasn't blamed it on an addiction, he has said he was stupid and thoughtless and had no idea of the danger he put our son in, though he sees that now very clearly, especially having seen the reaction of the nursery in light of it all.

I think he was just so used to porn that he didnt realise how bloody bad this is. Similar to how someone who sees a horror film wont realise that watching a gory clip would be damaging to a young child.

Unfortunately, from what the CCP said, it is not uncommon for them to find that children have been exposed to violent films and pornography :( I think that is terribly sad :(

It is sad isn't it. they get desensitised to it themselves and don't see any harm.

Hang in there it could be a long haul, He needs to start the process of seeking help tomorrow though, don't let your experience deract from the urgency of his. They are not the same.

He will definitely be seeking help. I think he could do with seeing a councillor. I only wish that we had more money and we could pay private because the NHS is just a faff.

I have just literally emptied my heart to someone who said 'I can't really help with that, group therapy on breathing?'

fucking pointless.

He might not be able to start counselling just yet but he can talk to the necessary people to get the wheels in motion can't he. You don't need to be involved with that, you concentrate on looking after your own wellbeing.

He should be on the phone first thing in the morning making an appointment with his gp to get a referral. What is stopping him?

There are counselling organisations around here that don't turn anyone away on basis of cost and you can pay as little as £1 a session. It will be worth you trying where you are. Try BACP website they may have something in your area?

Bloody hell fille777. Good luck. You have done really well. X

Good luck op! I think you've handled this brilliantly and I write this as someone who was sexually abused as I child by my father. You are doing all the right things and getting advice from professionals. The people attacking the op are not helping, she has posted for support, she has sought advice from professionals and followed it. You sound very sensible and strong op, I'm sure you'll do what's right for your children.

Oh Lord, OP, what a terrible situation.

TBH, if it were me, I'd be asking him to leave whilst he seeks help. I'd want to see real action!

I don't think I'd want m child in a house with someone who admits to issues around sex, in the same way I wouldn't want my DC around someone with issues around drugs or whatever.

If it turned out I'd given them the benefit of the doubt and I was wrong, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I think any decent man who accepetd they had a potentially damaging problem would understand this, no?

I think asking him to leave immediately would be putting him at real risk, he has literally nowhere to go.

Given that nobody I have spoken to feels that is necessary, I feel okay following my heart about it.

If he leaves, which is doubtful, he will do so with the correct support to make sure he has somewhere safe to sleep and somewhere to call home.

He is the father of my children and he has behaved like an idiot. I also have issues surrounding sex, I would hate to think they were a reason to not have them with me.

I will definitely look at councillors that do not cost an arm and a leg, we just can't afford it right now.

FFS. He doesn't have "issues around sex" he had your little boy in the room with a porno on.

That's not issues around sex. That's being a sick bastard and shit father.

What are your issues around sex? Do you use porn too?

"I think asking him to leave immediately would be putting him at real risk, he has literally nowhere to go."

• putting HIM at real risk? He's an adult, your DCs aren't.

What do you mean if he leaves? No-one's asked him to leave. Is he going to do it on his own accord because of his actions? If he was, I'd have expected him to do it already.

My DC's are not at risk.

No he is not going to leave (probably pointless still talking about it.

As i posted upthread your husband can go to his nearest housing office and tell them he is homeless and ask to be placed in a hostel.

He doesnt have nowhere to go.

Tbh i find it really odd that you keep insisting this when that should not at all be the reason for keeping him in the house. If he is staying it should be because you believe 100% that he poses no risk to your children either now or at any point in the future. In other words you should be 100% sure he will not ever use porn in the house again. But you havent said this once. You have repeatedly said "if anything happens again"

Omg....this is just a farce. "His issues around sex"???? And now you're likening it to your "issues around sex".

Thought my jaw couldn't hit the floor again... It just did.