I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

I dont think it is necessary to remove him from the home right now, neither do the NSPCC, nor does my Child Protection tutor.

In fact the only people who think its necessary are on this website.

Thats their opinion, mine is different and is worth being respected.

He's been a total twat and it sounds like he hasn't shown it either intentionally or unintentionally to his son. He needs to know how serious it could be if he had or if anything like this were to happen again.

You're saying it's not acceptable, but you are acting like it is. All this CCP stuff, phone calls - none of it it is actually DOING anything to prevent it happening again. It's just covering your back and finding ways for you to feel like you've taken control of the situation when you haven't.

I said it upthread, and I will say it again: there should not be a grey area or a second chance when it comes to sexual inappropriateness to, or around, children.

Still, at least the next time it happens, it will be a bit less shocking to you, and the next time, and the next time. Really think there won't be a next time? You didn't believe there'd be a first time until a day or so ago, did you? Now you have minimised it down to him being an 'idiot'. Your anger, disgust and threats mean v little when he lacks the inner moral compass to not do this in the first place.

I think you've handled this really well OP. Under huge stress you've done a great job of engaging with this mess & I wish you much strength for continuing to do so. So often these issues get under rug swept and not properly confronted.

I do wonder if perhaps this has altered (or given some time will alter) your "I've got no issues with porn" view at all? Clearly you think a child viewing porn is incredibly harmful (as most people do). Perhaps you will now begin to see just how harmful porn is to everyone involved. Not just harming the actors, but the viewers and their partners too.

I said it upthread, and I will say it again: there should not be a grey area or a second chance when it comes to sexual inappropriateness to, or around, children.

Still, at least the next time it happens, it will be a bit less shocking to you, and the next time, and the next time. Really think there won't be a next time? You didn't believe there'd be a first time until a day or so ago, did you? Now you have minimised it down to him being an 'idiot'. Your anger, disgust and threats mean v little when he lacks the inner moral compass to not do this in the first place.

This. This is what so many people are trying to impress on you on this thread filee

Forgive me op as this is the second time i have mentioned it but why is he only out ( and where to if he has nowhere to go?) if your son shows signs that he has seen the porn? As i said- my parents (no-one in fact) know nothing about the abuse i suffered as a child. You may never get any signs. But the thing your dh did was the same whether ds saw it or not. If ds didnt see it then it was pure luck. I dont get why signs of what you fear happened would suddenly make your husband less trustworthy.

I don't think a DH being a dumb idiot regarding his DS and porn is reason enough for all that.

Btw OP if you told the childcare provider what happened they will have to report that to their child protection officer. They are obligated to.

I'm afraidn that I don't agre OP is doing nothing about this. She has brought it out in the open, she has taken advice from 2 different professional groups, She hasn't let it lie with H it is still a work inprogress.
Oxford - May be time for you to leave OP alone now. she knows your point

What gets me is that because its the husband it's assumed he's a dumb idiot...what an idiot to look at porn whilst his child there. However, the child probably didn't see it.

If it was a childminder, or uncle, or family friend I'm sure most mums would react differently. You'd report it to the police just in case it had been grooming.

This is how abuse goes undetected and unreported. Not saying the dh was abusing/grooming just making a point

Just: it's off topic but it was looking at child porn. I don't know that they did nothing but I do know he still volunteers with children. I'd never consult the NSPCC again, I'd sooner go straight to the police.

OP, I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

For ME it would be a deal breaker. I couldn't look at my husband the same way again if he decided to look at porn and go off to the toilet and have a wank while looking after his children. To me that seems very problematic, regardless of whether or not your child witnessed any of the images.

I have a huge problem with porn in general but I would worry about anyone who seeks out pictures of porn to wank over while caring for their children. It is concerning that he can't control, or choose not to control his sexual urges. As a grown adult you should be able to manage to look after your child without hunting down porn. I would think of counselling to see if he actually has a problem he needs professional help with.

However, you made calls, you have questioned him it is obvious you aren't sweeping it under the carpet. I would not have came to the same decision as you but it is very clear you are taking it seriously, I sincerely hope this was the first and last time this has happened.

@ Netsuke. You've said what I thought would be too rude to say. I am wondering if Op got in touch and talked to professionals in order to get justification for a decision that she had already made, before she asked for their advice or if she is capable of making decisions based upon her instinct. She was very angry, initially and nothing is wrong with anger ( it is very clarifying..it's when it's bottled up and shows itself in "other" ways that it is very dangerous). The only thing that I can see that changed her tune is that everybody that has advised her in RL has sung from the same hymn sheet and covered her back for her. I also find it alarming that a lot of people appear to think that "grooming" and potential child abuse may be the only alarming problems here, thus basing their answers off of that premise. I've yet to meet a sexually incontinent partner who was really a good parent. Their other half was always doing the "sticking plaster " bit and thinking like an adult for the both of them.
Op has run around like a twat on elastic sorting this out. Has her husband even picked up the phone or looked in the telephone directory to seek out a professional to help him deal with his problem? (porn addiction, at the very least).
If Op's husband was so sexually frustrated, why did he not play with the child in a vigorous "I hope this child can go down for an afternoon nap" way and have some slap and tickle with the OP, then put the effing pot roast on? It seems that the OP is waiting for a sign from God to show her that her man has issues. She seems to have deliberately covered her back and is (wtf) waiting for "signs" of dodgy behaviour. I care not if this obviously intelligent woman gets vex with this comment: There is many a woman who waited for "signs" that dodgy behaviour was actually dodgy, just like she is doing, running around and shoring up support from people who as well as us, hardly know her. Out of all the Rl support that she has sought out, not one rawse has has said that that her husband needs to leave for a while. They have all suggested that she looks out for his behaviour and "signs" from her child? Too intellectual for their own good. Give me a strident, speak out the side of the neck Cockney Sparrah any day of the week. I could never hope to get a unanimous opinion, yay or nay in RL as most of us here probably couldn't and quite frankly, I hardly ask a question about important stuff unless I am more than halfway to a conclusion, because I have my own mind and instinct. I believe that the OP did look for outside advice, but I bet her stridency to keep her husband in situ influenced the outcome of said advice.

"But what do I do? Remove him from the home for being an idiot?"

I don't think spending your time looking at porn in your child's presence so you can get aroused and then run off to masturbate comes under the heading "Being an Idiot".

Being an Idiot is stuff like inadvertently calling your fat, or inviting his friends over to the house when you need to study.

Seeking sexual arousal in the presence of a child is a while different kind of thing.

Idiot doesn't even come close to covering it.

Why was he unable to spend a few hours alone with his child without needing to masturbate?

Having thought about this some more it is rubbish that your husband would have nowhere to go or be on the streets. If he works he has colleagues, maybe not friends but more than likely happy to give him a sofa for a night or two ( unless he tells them why he has been kicked out that is) and if he really truly honestly doesnt know a soul in the country then he can go to his nearest housing office and tell them he is homeless and hope to be placed in a hostel. Of course that might lead to people asking why he is homeless and cp officials arriving at your door and i dont think you want that because you would have contacted them already if you did.

OP sorry you are getting such a hard time on this thread but people are obviously trying to help you tackle this. There's a lot of in-fighting which is detracting from the other posters comments you should be taking notice of: oxfordbags for one is saying it loud and clear.

There are SO many fucking holes in your DH's story (or your account of it to us, I know this may not be intentional on your part btw), that it sets alarms bells RINGING.

1. Whether your DH finds somewhere to sleep for the night or not is the absolute LEAST of your concerns right now. He should be out of that house for the time being. Not just for the DC sake but also for yours.

1. So DC was sitting on sofa where the computer was. The door of the room was closed. Your DH jumped up and opened the door, meeting you at the bottom of the stairs when he heard you'd got up - unexpectedly. Raises so many questions: Why did you even have to ask, 'Can I come in?' Was he blocking entry to the room? What made you ask to look at the computer in the first place? Was your DH in a state of undress? Did he admit to you he'd been accessing porn before you walked in the room?

1. The whole looking up images on the computer then taking it to mobile phone to go wank off in the loo doesn't sound plausible. I'd be calling in the experts to check times images were accessed on the computer and for how long and if/when they were transferred to the mobile.

I've read through the thread and as an ex porn addict myself he sounds like he doesn't know what he's doing so hopefully it's quiet New and he's just been unbelievably stupid. Looking at porn with a child in the room is something I never. considered even at my worst moments which makes me lean towards the fact he was being thick and a total idiot. You need to know how long this has gone on, not just your DS in the room but the porn in general.

"Looking at porn with a child in the room is something I never. considered even at my worst moments which makes me lean towards the fact he was being thick and a total idiot. "

Really?

It makes me lean towards the fact that this is more sinister than him being addicted to pornography and unable to stop himself seeking it out even at inappropriate times.

If you, someone who was addicted to porn, never even considered doing this, then what the fuck is going on with this guy?

"Being thick" just doesn't cover it. "Being thick"....is me putting a red sock with the white linen in the wash.

I don't know which is worse tbh, a man who understands the implications of his actions yet does it anyway because he can't control himself, or a man so stupid he doesn't understand the ramifications of his behaviour - I wouldn't want to share my life with the man in either scenario.

Denial and minimising from the OP, how can she even look him in the face again? It's sickening.

Scarynuf He didn't 'get' aroused whilst caring for a child, he actively sought arousal whilst caring for a child. That's the difference. A man that wants to be aroused in front of a child, to the point of needing to ejaculate, would not be welcome in my home.

It is much more likely that he was feeling sexually frustrated so looked for an image to use for that purpose, rather than "he wanted to be aroused in front of a child" hmm That's putting your own sick minded spin on it. Oh my God! There's pedophiles everywhere!!!!!!

If he was feeling sexually frustrated he would not need an image to wank to would he? Or he could have gone into the toilet before looking at porn. He chose, let's be clear, he made a decision, to look at porn to heighten his sexual arousal with a child in the room.

Not quite the same as the cheeky little 'ooops a sexy thought just popped into my mind at work' scenario is it?

just as if sex pops into your head/you feel a bit horny while you're sitting at your desk at work doesn't mean that you want to shag your boss/the person sitting opposite you.

But you think it does mean that you immediately have to google porn, regardless of who is in the room with you, then go into the nearest toilet to masturbate? Is that what you do at work Just?

Your 'd'h is fucking disgusting. At best.

At worst, he is a child abuser.

I know what I would suspect.

But, by all means, you keep putting your child at risk. After all, your functioning adult of a dh doesn't have anywhere else to go, does he?

There are two things that stand out to me (well, loads, really but two big points)

1. Why did he google pictures of pussies? This sounds suspicious. I would take the computer to be analysed and see what he usually googles because surely it would just be 'porn'? Maybe ChilledGuy could throw some light on it (although it would just be one opinion) because I haven't a clue but it seems a child-friendly phrase and that's a massive red flag.

2. What has your dh done to address his porn problem? When you speak with him later, I think you should tell him to go to his gp and tell them that he couldn't stop himself from looking at porn with a child in the room and leaving the child alone to go for a wank. The gp can refer him for counselling if that's what is needed. If he won't do this, will you just accept it or will it be the end of your relationship? He has absolutely no reason to refuse to take all and any steps to help keep the children safe from his 'urges'.

Some of you remind me of terriers ragging a dead fox, it's time to stop now. Filee has had enough crap to deal with....leave it now.