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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:40

Sweet LORD!

Yes, a child seeing porn is abusive, there is NO information to suggest he did see porn, none what so ever.

The minimised screen was only visible to me when i woke the computer up from sleep mode.

The porn was not child abuse, there is nothing to suggest that what my husband has said is not the truth, there is no past history here.

I will not be taking his word as scripture, I will be dealing with this as best I can. But I will also not be overreacting to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:41

One of the things I spoke to his CCP for was to ensure that if anything was said that I would hear about it immediately.

I am NOT taking this lightly.

OP posts:
cjel · 21/10/2013 13:42

OP, I'll be here (ignoring certain Posts) when you need to come back

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:42

Thank you cjel and everyone who has supported me in MY decision. x

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 13:43

Just

I disagree with what you said. I thought your post was stupid. Hence my comments.

You seem to think there is something important in stating that you think I have "shown my true colours" and have stated it twice. I don't know you. I don't respect your opinion. I am not unduly worried what anyone thinks of me on here. I am only concerned with trying to support the OP in keeping her children safe and challenging ridiculous comments, such as a loving shag between a couple where the child sees nothing is the same as a child seen porn.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:45

There is NO EVIDENCE that the child has seen porn, if that changes he is OUT.

For goodness sake, deal with the issue at hand!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 13:45

Greggs.....bloody great point, which I think hasnt been made on this thread.

Op- what would happen if it was your childminder who had done this. Your male childminder.

Would you have gone to the police?

mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 13:47

Op, you don't whether he did or not though do you. That's my point in all of this, you do t actually know what happened. He could've been on the sofa the whole time. Your husbands hardly going to be honest is he...he's not going to admit that your ds saw it.

U think you have up keep an open mind on what actually went on.

scallopsrgreat · 21/10/2013 13:47

Youradick Agreed the children are a priority as many people have mentioned. My post came directly after OxfordBags post who'd said pretty much everything I wanted to say in terms of child protection. I just wanted the OP to look at his behaviour in the context of their relationship. This attitude he has displayed doesn't occur in a vacuum. And it is his attitude that is the issue. This isn't an isolated mistake. She has already intimated that there are other problems in the relationship. Changing attitudes is incredibly difficult. The problem isn't just going to go away because he has had a good talking to.

Enforcing consequences is enforcing boundaries. And the OP is doing neither for her children or for herself. Just coming at it from a different angle to try and impress on filee that unless she does something serious this erosion of boundaries will continue.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 13:48

Sorry for typos

netsuke · 21/10/2013 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:49

I asked him that exact question. Actually I referred it to my father or my brothers or his father.

The fact is though, it would be quite easy to say 'you can't babysit anymore dad' but its not so easy to say 'get out of your house husband/father of the kids'

There are similarities which i have gone into with him because I quite agree and I was very close to phoning the police, I didnt because I was told that the NSPCC would speak to me (and they did) and was told that the police would not be interested in this matter, it is NOT a CP issue unless there is more evidence to show that the child has seen pornography.

There is none, no extra interest in my body, no strange new terminology, Nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:49

I'll go with selfish AND stupid.

OP posts:
Mojavewonderer · 21/10/2013 13:50

Just - It isn't the same at all! My kids are a lot older and the time I was thinking of my mother was in the house as my husband had just got back from a six month tour out in Afghan so they were not left alone!
There are all sorts of variables so you can't compare the two things at all.
Not that I see how any of this has anything to do with anything or anyone.

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 13:50

filee - I expected you to go mad at that after I had reread what to had put but you aren't 100% sure your child hasn't seen something and tbf lots of people are trying to support you and shouting at them for not getting something exactly right with their typing is rather churlish.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:51

I am keeping an open mind!!!!!!!!!

If I werent do you HONESTLY think that I would have walked into my CCP office today and had to TELL them what happened this weekend?

If i thought it was 'nothing' do you think I would have put myself through that?

He will be embarrassed to obviously. Its not been a pleasant couple of days.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 21/10/2013 13:52

OP, why is acceptable that your OH looked at the porn when your son was there in the first place?? Why is it acceptable that he made it possible that the child could have seen the porn? That he would look at it in the presence of a child, even if trying to hide it from the child (which your posts don't even suggest), then that is still incredibly inappropriate and abnormal. I don't necessarily mean incestuously abnormal, but it is very much sexually abnormal.

You're saying it's not acceptable, but you are not acting that way. All the phone calls in the world mean jack shit when your OH is still there, free to view porn and get aroused right by your children. And if your answer is that you'll not leave him alone with them from now on, then that means you are accepting the possibility that he could be abusive and are choosing to not genuinely protect your children.

And my comments about the parents and quickies was directed, if you read them properly, at another poster who was writing lies about what I had said in another comment, not you.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:52

'Go mad at you'?

No seriously, I am mad at my husband. Slightly infuriated with many of you but certainly no where near as livid as I am with him.

As I said I will be talking to him again tonight.

OP posts:
skylerwhite · 21/10/2013 13:52

OP, I just want to point out something which doesn't quite add up to me:

He was looking at porn with my kid in the room, my kid wasn't even on the other side of the room when I came in, he was sat on the sofa with his dad

vs

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

Perhaps being clear about exactly who was where when (later on you said your DH claimed he was just coming back into the room at the exact moment you came down the stairs) might help you to clarify exactly what was going on.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:53

It is NOT acceptable that he looked at porn while my son was there?

It is so fucking FAR from acceptable it is untrue!

But what do I do? Remove him from the home for being an idiot? Why? To make you guys happy?

No. If I were to have removed him it would be because myself and the people I have spoken to in RL feel that it was the right thing to do.

Which it is not and that is MY decision.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 21/10/2013 13:54

X-post. It's good thT your told your CCP office, but what practical things are happening about is situation? Your Oh needs help for sexual issues, for a start, and quickly.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/10/2013 13:54

You're doing great, filee :)

Well done for telling your CCP (whatever that is, guess it's some social worker thing.)

You have brought it to the attention of people who could advise and you are sceptical of what he tells you.

Right now, I don't see what else you could do.

Other than throw him out, but you think that's not necessary and I respect that.

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 13:55

A child seeing porn won't necessarily start looking at you differently or using new words. It could be months before you have any evidence that your child has seen something he shouldn't. It could be years before he is able to process what he has seen as something he shouldn't.

You are taking a risk. You have to ask yourself if it is worth it.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:55

No he was at the door when I came in.

My son was on the sofa

The computer was on 'sleep'

I asked for the keyboard, H handed it to me.

I re-woke the computer and there was a minimised but open page of porn there.

Sorry if i've not been clear its been a pretty hard couple of days.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 13:55

CCP = Child Care Provider

OP posts:
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