I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Just I think the reason some posters (including myself) think you sound hysterical is because of your weird comments about 'ohh how everyone here is dramatic and hates men!!' type comments.

I meant I didn't agree with the comment that you associated me with...

Tbh I agree that JustThisOnce sounds completely hysterical.

I think that the [sadface] 'are you catholic' nonsense is bizarre. Is it meant to be amusing?

The op posted and has had a full range of responses.
She must chose how to view this, she is the only one who is dealing with it.

But to utterly ignore the possibility - however remote - that the purpose of looking at porn in view of a child was potentially grooming behaviour would be ridiculous.

It's not some ridiculous charicature to suggest that the most important person in this scenario is the child because he is the one who is vulnerable here.

If the op considers the possibility and dismisses it that is fine. But to suggest it is responsible.
Many of us had years of abuse because our loving, devoted parents could not conceive of the possibility that a much loved relative was actually not just a bit daft but manipulative and devious.

Justthisonce, your attitude really worries me. If you cannot see that what this man did was weird, then you really need to address something within yourself.

You talk of him feeling sexually frustrated whilst caring for the child and looking for images to help himself relieve that. In what way is that fucking normal or acceptable? It might be okay to be randomly feeling a bit horny - although I can't say I've ever felt frisky or horny around kids, myself, as there's the little matter of stuff called morality and not-being-a-pervert that automatically switches that off for most folk, thankfully - HOWEVER... Then searching out images to further arouse himself takes that into the arena of weirdness and appropriateness, and going off for a wank just adds to that. A normal person, with appropriate boundaries and non-sexual feelings about children would've just ignored their sexual frustration and behaved appropriately, not looked for porn and gone off to wank.

The thing that makes it creepy and dodgy is the searching for images in the same room as his child. It IS abuse to potentially expose a child to porn, no matter what some minimisers want to delude themselves about. BUT, here is the crux - if he really was v horny and needed a wank, couldn't keep that urge to himself, etc., then why not just go off for the wank, no images required? That would be shitty parenting, but not creepy, particularly. Questions have to be raised about why he was googling those images, and there simply is not a reason in the world possible that does not paint him in a dubious, even sinister light.

If he really cannot control his sexual urges enough to not wank, especially when looking after his children, he needs help. If he cannot get sexually aroused without looking at pron, he needs help. This is sinply not normal sexual behaviour. If his sexual needs were so great that he couldn't stop himself looking at porn in front of his own child, then he has serious problems. And needs help. I'm happy to accept that he had no sinister intentions towards his child when he was looking at them, but that he decided it was acceptable to do so, full stop,shows there's something really wrong with him.

And fwiw I like men very much. I have gorgeous sons, dh and brothers and bils a plenty.

Just

AKissIsNotAContract & SpecialAgentFreyPie

Bloody hell! What did you report them for? And they did nothing?!

^^
What? I never specified what man I reported and why. Just... Huh? You assume I'm lying? Or what? I'm very confused

You sound hysterical with your comments generalising all the posters who don't agree with you as being men haters...

Your comment about 'they'll be making it about the children next' actually disgusts me.

Who should it be about?? The husband who wants to look at porn whenever he likes?? The op???

No. It should ONLY be about the 3 year old.

If you don't get that then there is no point in discussing it with you. I'd have thought that its about the child was a given

Hunting out porn in front of his little kid? Getting so turned on that he decides to transfer it to his phone, goes off to have a wank, and leaves the original on the computer?

Why it's father of the year. Give him a medal.

The op has had loads of support. She's done nothing wrong. She doesn't need you, just, defending her dh.

I'd just like to say that people who joke that we are all mad because we think there is a peado round every corner clearly aren't aware that actually there are, and in a lot of peoples homes that they may never be aware of.

OP I am not inferring by that that I think your H is btwxxxx

If he really cannot control his sexual urges enough to not wank, especially when looking after his children, he needs help.

But it's ok to not control sexual urges and go for a quirky with your husband/wife? How is that then?

But everyone who does have the odd quicky is lacking the . . . "stuff called morality and not-being-a-pervert that automatically switches that off for most folk"

It's hilarious getting called hysterical by a bunch of hysterical people. I think it's called projection.

Well said Oxford bags.

She doesn't need you, just, defending her dh.

But she does need you with your making up facts and hysteria? Oh please! You actually think your helping?! Really?

SpecialAgentFreyPie You said you reported a man to NSPCC and they were useless. So I asked what he had done that made you suspicious enough to report him and asked if NSPCC did nothing. Hope that makes sense.

Where am I making up facts and Being hysterical. Please show me.

Read my posts. I've complete sympathy for the op.

Op, I think you're dealing quite well with a very difficult situation.

Glad you have real-life resources and support. Good luck.

Right well I'm off to leave you hysterical lot to it with your witch hunt. Have fun slagging me off once I've gone. I know you'll knock yourselves out, as usual. The mumsnet reputation is as it is for a reason after all.

Don't forget the breakdown of how the threads supposed to go for when you go off track. I posted before but for anyone who missed it . . . oh and have fun using that as evidence of how crazy I am.

OP posts, posters give advice, op makes decisions, posters don't like it, posters think they should be able to control op like a puppet, posters can't, posters don't like this, posters get pissed off, posters call op an idiot/negligent/liar, posters look for evidence in ops other posts, posters twist everything and make up the rest of the story, posters call other posters who don't agree with them names, posters get all weird and bitter that their little game of puppets over other peoples lives hasn't worked. Posters leave with some nasty sarcastic and bitter comment like "yeah enjoy your life op until he does it again"

(uses thread as a reminder of what horrible people there are in the world)

I am absolutely not suggesting that this issue may not be bigger than I can currently see.

I am absolutely NOT minimising it and if ANYTHING even slightly dodgy happens again he will be out.

I have said to him (well shouted at him actually) that at best he is a fucking idiot and at worst he is grooming our child. I have not ignored it, I have SAID that to him.

I looked at that page (albeit for just a second) and it was not child abuse images it was fairly average porn.

Yes this might be something bigger, I have made it quite clear that I do not remove the thought of that, I am not disregarding it by any means but this incident alone, as a stand alone incident is NOT enough to condemn him.

Its certainly not enough to make him wander around with nowhere to stay all night.

Perspective people.

Sorry Just I didn't see your post asking, my apologies!

TBH I couldn't say without totally outing myself, just trust me if I had listened to their advice, things would be EVEN worse than they already are.

It was a frightening case of 'protecting their own' sort of situation. Can't really say much more, sorry.

Justthisonce,please could you detail where I have said anywhere on this entire thread that it is okay for a couple to go off for a quicky? Because that is NOT what I said, and everyone can see it's not what I said. Do not humiliate yourself by trying to put words into my mouth to try to make your own clumsy, illogical and frankly odd point.

And an aside on hysteria and man-hating. Reading about dodgy behaviour in a man and calling it dodgy behaviour is not hysteria or man-hating. What is man-hating, and hysterical (not to mention thick and insulting) is to paint men as sexually and morally-incontinent inadequates, who cannot control their own urges and behaviour. What is man-hating is try to excuse or minimise or deny bad behaviour in one man - be that 'just' ill-judged, or downright horrifically abusive - and put it down to 'that's how men are'. What is man-hating is to find any excuse for an individual man's bad behaviour and pass it off as something common in most or all men.

How disgusting, how offensive, how patronising, how insulting that is to men! Only someone who truly hates and looks down on men could want to reduce them all down to the level of a small minority of 'lowest common denominator' male losers, weirdos and abusers.

Men are as decent, moral, thoughtful, and able to control themselves as women. To make excuses for one man and say most men are the same is true man-hating.

filee Perspective is not comparing something you find 'bloody weird' to mental illness.

You never addressed that, and that's what I found, TBH, personally hurtful. There is no similarity between my life long disability and... Whatever this is. I won't pretend to understand, because I don't. But it's not the same and I feel it perpetuates stereotypes that mentally ill people are ghoulish.

OP, children seeing images of ordinary porn, even by accident, is considered sexually abusive. Please do not get confused about what constitutes the inappropriateness of the images. It is ANY sexual image that makes it dodgy. If the man at the NSPCC has told you it is only child abuse porn that makes it wrong, then he needs reporting, as he is giving our wrong, immoral, and dangerous advice that could adversely affect a child's life.

I want to say to you that sexual inappropriateness around children (even if it genuinely was not focused in any way towards your child, and even if your son knew nothing of what was going on) is just NOT something that is a grey area, or which deserves a second chance. What your OH did WAS sexually inappropriateness and you are now colluding in that being something acceptable to happen to your child. It's as simple as that.

Op, do whatever you need to do for your family.
He needs to realise that he was bang out of order. Would he find it acceptable if his brother/fil/childminder did what he did?

I have never said he has behaved this way 'because he is a man'

I have seen parents go off for a shag in a public toilet with a toddler IN THE ROOM with them.

If he is telling the truth, he hid it from the boy and went out of the room to masturbate. This is NOT a reason to leave a man and to remove him from his home. It is reason to have a very serious bloody word with him and make sure he is WELL aware of the severity of the situation and of the consequences of it.

One of which is whether our marriage can recover.

Would I have him out of the house if he had somewhere to go? Probably actually, not for the sake of the children but because seeing him makes me bloody angry right now and I find it hard not to scream YOU TWAT at him in any given circumstance.

But he doesnt have anywhere to go, NOWHERE. Its not a 'oh but he could go there' he just doesnt have anywhere right now.

Anyway, its irrelevant. I am the person in this situation, I have made a decision based upon my experience of the person in question and also the sound advice i have been given from many angles.

I do not need to be told what I 'must' do. It would be very nice to feel like I could come and receive support for the conversation I am having with him this afternoon, or the following few weeks, rather than listening to this hysterical nonsense.

just

I can't see where I have posted anything hysterical either. The op sounds perfectly capeable of reading posts, weighing what is said and then reaching her own decisions

The 'you bunch of vipers /man hating hysterics/yeah go on and bitch about me ' stuff is incredibly childish. I am not sure what you are trying to achieve.
Perhaps it's best you go. You are certainly making the thread all about you.

I am still intrigued to find out what just thinks I made up. Ho hum.