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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 22:16

Yes as i said, they didnt say they were sure your child hadnt been abused.

Did they advise how to deal with your son?

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 22:17

Where is he sleeping?

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:18

he is sleeping downstairs.

They said (i did explain this) not to ask him any questions or to probe him about it at all, just to make a note if he said anything to me or if i noticed any strange behaviours.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:19

goodnight all

OP posts:
Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 22:21

kiddy fiddling?

Are you serious? What a horrible remark. No-one is saying that he did anything physical to the child.

Posters are simply saying that looking at porn in the presence of child is disgustiing behaviour.

And everyone agrees on this.

I don't know what people are arguing about because we all agree.

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 22:24

Goodnight OP. i know it's unlikely but i hope you get some rest tonight and have clear head for a Tough conversation tomorrow. Again. Trust your gut. Not just tomorrow but always.

oldgrandmama · 20/10/2013 22:33

Scarynuff, there was some discussion, very early in the thread, about possible abuse of the child. That's why I used the term - agree, it's not a nice one but often used in the context of child abuse.

AnaisHellWitch · 20/10/2013 22:38

It is used by people who seek to minimise the horror of the sexual abuse of children.

IMO.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 22:40

Yes, but the abuse talked about was in the fact that the child may have seen the images, which is abuse.

Not physical touching. Why do people struggle to see this? You can have emotional abuse without touching, neglect without touching and sexual abuse without touching. It's still abuse. It doesn't have to be physical.

darkdays · 20/10/2013 22:42

Goodnight OP, try and get some rest.

plinkyplonks · 20/10/2013 22:45

OP honestly I'd stop replying here.

For whatever reason, there are people going OTT on this thread. You could perhaps get a moderator to close it?

i think it's ironic however, that there are people here banging on about emotional abuse when they are verbally abusing the OP.

C0ffeeN0biscuit · 20/10/2013 22:53

What a nightmare. Poor OP

stopthebusiwanttogetoff · 20/10/2013 22:56

In all honesty OP maybe if your dh read this thread he'd realise how serious his actions could be perceived as - that might be the shock he needs.

cjel · 20/10/2013 23:14

Goodnight OP. I feel in my gut that you are doing the right thing for your dcs. I hope you get a goodnights sleepx

OxfordBags · 21/10/2013 00:29

"O hai, NSPCC, you asked me to ring if I noticed any strange behaviours in my husband? Yeah, he's been googling porn in the presence of my toddler and getting so aroused that he left him alone to go and masturbate. Does that count as strange, DO YOU THINK?!?!?!".

Denial is not just a fucking river in Egypt. I knew there would be minimising and defending the OH. There always is. All that shit about not noticing weirdness in him or the kids. He could've done this loads of times before, with both kids present. Or this could be the actual first instance of creepiness towards your son. Either way, I know that if I ever had so much as the tiniest urge to phone the NSPCC to ask if my OH had been sexually inappropriate to my child, then that urge would tell me he needed to get the fuck out of my life forever before the phone call ever happened. Can you hear your own justifications, OP?! If you need to ask someone if your partner has sexually abused your child, the situation is already too late, too fucked up! What he has done is disgusting. If he stays, you are complicit in what has happened to your son. You really should not be training to be a social worker of you cannot see that this man should not be alone with children. Never mind how 'well' you know him. Which you obviously don't.

And anyone who trots out the whole men are turned on by images, women by words,and pervy books are no different from porn images is so ridiculous and deluded that they should be too ashamed to post on threads populated by proper adults. FFS.

scallopsrgreat · 21/10/2013 00:54

OP I hope you are OK. This must have been a terrible shock for you. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

A couple of things stand out to me in your posts.

I am presuming that you would never consider doing what your H has done so have you thought about how far his mindset has gone that he thought this was acceptable? It's a very very long way away from your mindset. I am not sure that you truly understand what would be required from him to change that attitude. Consequences are something that is essential. At the moment there are no consequences for him.

Linked in with that is the fact that what he did was incredibly selfish. Is he selfish in other ways within the relationship? I'd be surprised if he wasn't given what he did and then tried to blame any marriage break-up on you.

You keep saying that he had nowhere to go. At what point would his behaviour be bad enough for you to make him leave? If your child had seen the porn? If he was abusive? If he hit you or your child? Because having nowhere to go is an excuse and will always manipulate your thinking over his behaviour. You will always be thinking is it bad enough for him to sleep in the car or whatever and far far more often than not the answer will be no. Except of course it could be.

Again this comes down to consequences or lack of them. His get out of jail card.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/10/2013 06:14

Morning all, I think people need to RTFT

I have answered all these questions and then some.

There will be and has been consequences. I have done was I was advised to do.

Just not what (some) people on here advised me to do.

OP posts:
zippey · 21/10/2013 06:41

Hi OP just wanted to say well done, you seem to be conducting yourself sensibly and appropriately and I'm glad you are not listening to the extremist element in here.

The situation requires a seriousness on your part and you will know your family better than any person on here. Listen to your gut reaction and good luck!

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 07:49

OP of course you know your husband and we don't but before this if someone would have asked you if you thought your husband would look at porn with your child in the room then leave him to go and have a wank, what would you have said?

Just - I did understand your posts. That is why I said what I said. I have no concerns about everyone "seeing" how "nasty" you think I have been as I am certain I have not been. What I have been is keen to challenge ridiculous posts where I thought they were not in the best interests of a vulnerable 3 year old.

Lazyjaney · 21/10/2013 07:58

OP you're doing the right things, carry on.

Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 08:15

First job this morning is to get a password on your pc and get software to block porn. You shouldn't have to do this, of course, but it's a simple safeguarding measure as you can't trust your dh to stay away from it.

scallopsrgreat · 21/10/2013 08:55

What are the consequences filee777? Because I have read the thread and I can't see them. He is being mildly inconvenienced at best. And at no point have you said where your boundaries lie with regards his behaviour.

I don't want or need answers to those questions and neither does anyone on here. But I think you owe it yourself and your children to think about it. And also think about what OxfordBags said in her post at 00:29:59.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 09:10

Yes, I didn't see any consequences either. A walk in the rain, a 'talk' and a lock on the PC.

Early posters suggested asking him to leave for a few days to show him how big a deal it was. This was then interpreted as the ltb brigade wading in. It wasn't it was suggested as a shock for him and time for op to truly get her head around the situation.

stooshe · 21/10/2013 09:21

Trust your gut, OP. Don't be so dependant on "officious" bodies to tell you what you KNOW is right or wrong. Do not feel guilty if you, in time feel that you should kick out your husband. If you are angry enough, him having a roof over his head should not be of your concern. He's a very lucky man that you had concern for him as well as your child, considering that he violated. He didn't have empathy for you or your child when he was looking to get aroused, got aroused and went of for a wank....all instigated by him deliberately looking for online porn (all whilst looking after your child when you were having a rest). He went through a lot of levels ( and ignored any red flags within himself) to get to where he got to.
Also look into any other problems that you seem to have in your relationship. You claim to know your husband, but you don't. You seem to be a "fixer", the worst kind of person to be in this kind of situation (I WAS a fixer) apart from being co-dependant. Sometimes our ears and eyes are deaf and blind to what is in front of our face ( I'm not talking only about child sexual abuse) with our need to be "right".
Your husband has shown himself to be: Selfish, not on the same page as you when it comes to morals, sexually incontinent, a manipulator and a man child. You and your partner appear to have enough problems (that you may or may not want to be honest about) without the added burden of you policing his behaviour so that he won't be a danger to your children. Is this what you want, along with studying for a degree in a subject that is very close to your situation? Don't let love and loyalty (you both need a conversation, quick sharp as to what constitutes shared values in order to establish that you are being loyal to a person or "holding the fort") for your husband cloud your instinct. A lot of times, as humans, we intellectualise too much of our instincts out of ourselves in order to maintain some status quo (and sanity, perhaps). Professionals and laypeople do this all the time.
They say a good sign of intelligence is to question what we think we know as truth. Good luck.

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 09:24

I dont think consequences are what is no1 priority here ( or concern for me). priority should be keeping the dc safe and i do think op is being unrealistic to think she will be able to 'supervise' all interactions with their father whilst he is still living in the house with them. She may respond by saying he doesnt need supervised however she did have him sleeping down stairs last night and kept her and the dcs bedroom door open. She clearly does not trust him. How long can sofa sleeping and open doors go on for? Til it's just too much hassle? Til his whinging about uncomfy sofa finally breaks her? Will he suddenly be trustworthy at that point because it's convenient for him to be? What about when op is back at work in a few weeks? Op said if she didnt feel she could trust him he would be gone ( will he suddenly have acquired a friend with a sofa to go to?) but she doesnt trust him now yet he is still there.

I just dont think the decision that has been made actually has been about what is best/safest for the dcs.

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