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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:59

I am well aware that my children are at the centre of this thank you.

OP posts:
Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 22:01

He didn't 'get' aroused whilst caring for a child, he actively sought arousal whilst caring for a child. That's the difference.

A man that wants to be aroused in front of a child, to the point of needing to ejaculate, would not be welcome in my home.

Whether or not he had somewhere to sleep would not even come into the equation tbh.

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 22:01

Just pointing out that thats why people are getting emotional about it. It's vey hard to not speak up when you feel a child/children are perhaps being put at risk. Or not enough measure put in place to protectbthem

Goodadvice1980 · 20/10/2013 22:03

Aside from the fact that it speaks volumes that there is "nowhere for him to go" (or no one willing to take him in?).

Why can't he go to a hotel or B&B?

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 22:03

To be honest....my 'emotional investment' is to do with your poor 3 year old whose twat of a dad looked at porn with him in the room then left him alone to go and wank.

I don't buy for one minute that he had nowhere to go...no city in this country has no hotels. You basically think that a walk in the rain for an hour is enough to show him how wrong he was.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 22:04

He probably went to the pub.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 20/10/2013 22:05

The OP has came here for support. Lets not be so negative that if she's needs support in the future she doesn't feel like she could come here.

witsalmader · 20/10/2013 22:05

People are getting too emotionally invested in what is my problem basically

Actually people are emotionally invested in the fact that children get sexually abused.

What kind of attitude is "it's my problem, no one else should be interested" WRT potential child sexual abuse? Seriously? There is NO CHANCE you would accept that from a future client so why do you think it's an acceptable line to take when it comes to your own children?

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:06

My children are not at risk, they are very well protected by me.

He has nowhere to go, he has no money for a hotel or B&B, he is from ZA and has not the same contacts here as most people would. He is more a family man than an out drinking man. When we got together we were both hippies, we are very different people now.

there is nothing untoward in his lack of friend network, its different when you move away from your home.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:07

My children have not been sexually abused, I am sure of that, the NSPCC were sure of that and feel that relevant steps can be taken to make sure nothing similar happens again.

My child mentioned nothing today about any images he might have seen, if he does so tomorrow it will be flagged and the situation re-visited but given that we dont know what had happened and his story is plausible, its reasonable to assume he is just a bloody idiot.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 22:08

He is not a family man.

He looks at porn with his child present and leaves the child undupervised to wank.

WhatEverZen · 20/10/2013 22:08

OP I think you should step away from this thread. I'm glad that comments on here and discussions in RL have helped you deal with the immediacy of things but I think this thread is now running the risk of becoming counterproductive to you. You've had a lot to deal with today and I think you now need some space, just to reflect on things. Good luck

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:09

He fucking HATES pubs and we have NO MONEY like no money, not no money like a couple of quid but NO MONEY

We get WTC tomorrow and that will keep us going until payday on Friday, this is the most skint week for us and my student loan has been messed around and messed around.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:10

You dont KNOW him.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 20/10/2013 22:10

PLEASE, ladies, give the OP a break. I am agreeing with Princess and Neither, above. Horrible thing to come across but let's keep a sense of proportion here ... a stupid, thoughtless, bored and probably randy man surfing the web, small child in the room playing, and he didn't engage brain while engaging you-know-what so went off for a few minutes for a wank.

I assume there were no matches, knives, guns, bottles of sulphuric acid lying around for the child to play with in his brief absence and that he turned the screen off. Yes, shocking thing for OP to happen upon but honestly, sounds like she's given her husband the bollocking of his life and he'll NEVER do anything like that again, as he knows it'd be the end of his marriage and he'd lose everything.

There are so many situations of appalling sexual abuse of kids - I could tell you some tales. But for me, I give OP's husband the benefit of the doubt here - he was looking at porn, child was in the room, he didn't think of the ramifications. To jump from this to some suspicion of 'kiddy fiddling' is to my mind unfair. I think the OP is handling it well, her husband will never dare click on anything much again, so please, stop haranguing her to LTB etc.

[Now puts on armour and hides under the table]

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:10

If someone feels a child is being abused they should instantly seek advice

THAT IS WHAT I DID and trust me, I didnt down play it to them, i told it to them very very straight.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 20/10/2013 22:11

No money for a B&B? Perhaps he's banished to sofa tonight - yep, that'll teach him.

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 22:11

With all due respect. NSPCC cannot be sure your child hasnt been abused. And i would eat my bloody foot if they told you they were sure your child hadnt been abused.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:12

Its hard to leave it when people are insisting I have put my children in danger or been somehow irresponsible by taking professional advice and doing my best!

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 20/10/2013 22:13

Filee I agree with WhatEverZen I think this thread is becoming very nasty.

As I've said before, you know your DH, you know the risks.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:14

NSPCC told me that there was nothing in this individual case to suggest further action needed to be taken, that he needed a jolly good bollocking and to have a serious serious think about boundaries.

I think if they had any thoughts a child had been abused they would have at least told me to phone the police and log it, which i asked them if i should do and they said at this time it probably wouldnt make a difference, it would be a different story if i had to phoned the police in future and let them know that something had happened, i could obviously cite this as another incident. But unless there is more evidence, the only evidence here is of an idiotic, stupid man who doesnt understand clear boundaries and let himself slip.

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 22:14

Grandma he didnt switch off the screen at all! That's one of the main reasons for concern!

harticus · 20/10/2013 22:15

OP sign off now. Enough is enough.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:15

anyway, I am going to sleep now, the doors are open between mine and the kids rooms and they are not in any danger.

I will be having a pretty serious chat with him tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 22:16

The screen was off when i came in, it goes off when inert but could have been either.

OP posts:
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