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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 20/10/2013 21:33

Just this once, and very stressed mum, both intimated that it was no big deal.
Other posters have suggested its just a "silly, self indulgent, horny mal thing". This is minimising it, clearly.

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/10/2013 21:33

Male thing. Not mal thing, obviously.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:34

youare I have just read the whole thread back again and I didnt say you were defending him, I said I wasn't, I think you might have been a wee bit confused by the whole 'googling thing' again I am sorry if i made you feel that way and i respect and thank you for your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:35

Well, needless to say, I certainly have NOT minimised it. I've been pretty damn explicit in how fucked up I think this is and how bloody serious it is.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 21:37

It was explicit how fucked up you thought it was to start with op. to be honest, by the end of the thread, not so much.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:38

My husband isn't ON this thread.

OP posts:
OnePramAndHisSprog · 20/10/2013 21:38

I couldn't be near my husband if he had done this. I couldn't. Regardless of what "the professionals" said, it would make me sick to look at him.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:43

Can I ask if people would feel differently if it were a Cert 18 horror film clip?

OP posts:
darkdays · 20/10/2013 21:45

Seriously, why is everyone having a go at OP?? I thought she was taking this very seriously indeed!

TerrorTremor · 20/10/2013 21:46

There are some major jumping to conclusions here.

I hate child abuse as much as anyone else.

I think the OPs partner is a complete and utter idiot to be honest and I'd find him pretty vile for doing this and I wouldn't stay with someone like that, because he obviously has his priorities skewed. What if his son got hurt when he was in the bathroom and that would be because he prioritised his sexual needs over his son.

I don't think looking at porn in the presence of a child is good at all but it seems the son didn't actually see anything. I don't think he abused like child, he was just a complete idiot.

It's my third paragraph that worries me more about your relationship, OP. I'd seriously worry about that.

But I don't think he's particularly a danger to your child because he's going to groom them, more because he is neglecting them and possibly leaving them in a situation they could hurt themselves.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:47

probably because its Sunday night and they have nothing better to do.

I didnt even post it in AIBU, I honestly didnt expect such venom.

I can see why people dont agree with what i am doing, they have their own opinions of course, but to be so utterly disparaging about my own faith in my family without knowing anything about us really, is a bit strange.

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 20/10/2013 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 21:47

Op....that would be really stupid too. However, a horror film doesn't involve your husband getting sexually aroused.

Do you put it in the same category as a horror film???

Spirulina · 20/10/2013 21:49

Why on earth would he go in the bathroom with a horror film clip??

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:49

terror I acknowledge that and its something I will talk to him about.

I have left them to have a poo though (to be honest I usually leave them with the door open and they come and stare at me) and I leave them to cook dinner in the other room sometimes with the door shut because they are safer in the lounge than in the kitchen jumping all over me.

So i can see why, in that respect he thought that nipping off for a minute was okay, its just why he did it and the irresponsible nature of that which is more worrying.

OP posts:
PrincessScrumpy · 20/10/2013 21:50

Never fails to amaze me how quickly mnetters tell people to leave their husband. He hasn't abused a child but he has created a situation where his chid could have been exposed to porn which is unacceptable. He want actually wanking so saying he would have done is very presumptuous. I think it was appallingly thoughtless and I would be fuming and seeing out clear boundaries but I don't see why it is a "deal breaker". Op I think you've been very sensible. In any marriage there will be blips and this is one for you. I wish you and your family the best.

Neitheronethingortheother · 20/10/2013 21:50

I know the other day I was watching a clip on youtube that my friend has posted. It was a clip of Russell Brand interviewing the Westboro Baptist Church and the language was fairly graphic and not something would want my 5 or 4 year old children seeing. They were in the same room as me and were watching tv and I was looking at the clip with the volume down low. At one stage dd wandered over to me and I tilted the laptop from her view and hit pause until she wandered off again. It wouldnt have been appropriate imo for her to have seen or heard the content but I still made a judgement to watch it while her and ds were in the room as I was keeping an eye on them and they were busy doing something else. I know its not on the same level but it was something I was doing that would not have been appropriate for them to see or hear.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 21:51

You think people are this strongly opinionated on the subject because its Sunday night?

Or could it be because YOU are seeing this differently to others op. I do wish people would stop saying the ds didn't see anything. Would they bet their houses on that?? No, because it isn't for certain. We were not in the room, the op wasn't in the room. We cannot know that the ds didn't see anything nor can the op.

The boy was at risk. But hey, if it helps you op to think that people are getting passionate because they're bored in a Sunday...carry on.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 21:53

Princess.......I suggested very early on that the husband leave for a few nights. I don't think anyone said it should be over for ever.

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 21:56

Have you had your chat with him yet op?

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:56

He has no where to go. Kicking him out would be him out on the streets!

It would be very different if he had a mates flat to kip at or whatever but he just doesn't. Like i said, its different situations.

I have been pretty accepting of different peoples opinions actually (as I said in my post) its the inability to RESPECT what I have chosen to do in LIGHT of all the advice I have been given that I find hysterical.

Mind you, that was all obvious from my previous post.

People are getting too emotionally invested in what is my problem basically.

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 21:57

He would find somewhere to go. Has he no work colleagues? Friends? Family?

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:58

Yes I spoke to him briefly but the mini-child has literally only JUST gone down, I think we need to speak again but not tonight.

We obviously had a discussion before he left and when he got back from wandering around. I haven't not discussed it with him, nor have I not made him aware of my feelings.

The children are both in nursery tomorrow until 6pm and I pick him up at 4.45 so I intend to talk to him then again about what measures we will take to prevent such a think happening again and also the broader subject of our relationship.

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 21:59

Its not just yout problem though op- its your children's problem too. They are at the centre if this.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 21:59

Nope, nope and nope.

He literally has NOWHERE to go. I am not making it up.

OP posts:
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