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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 20/10/2013 20:47

I read the 50 shades books probably when the dcs were about, though I don't really remember, but I definitely wasn't so turned on I had to nip to the loo to sort myself out when the dcs were roaming the house.
However...me and dh hAve on a few occasions gone into the bathroom when the dcs were at home. We locked the door and weren't in there long. Does that make us depraved!?!

oldgrandmama · 20/10/2013 20:48

Ladies, ladies, please calm down ... poor OP is dodging bullets from all directions. She's shown good sense here, taken advice from the NSPCC and we should trust her good judgement as a loving and caring parent. Her husband has obviously been a stupid, horny fuckwit, to do something so crass while in the company of his tiny son - a gross error of judgement. Most of us, if we're honest, have done awful things, though hopefully not as serious as that done by OP's guy.

I just throw into the mix this question: suppose OP's little boy, playing around the house or flat, happened to find a copy of some 'girlie' magazine hidden under daddy's mattress. These magazines pull no punches when it comes to photographs of women - many of the sort that'd more suited to 'Gynaecology Monthly'. IF OP's little boy had found one and his mother had seen him with it, and posted about it here, what would the MNetters have to say? Then, taking it a stage further, if daddy was discovered with little son next to him, flicking through the pages of the magazine, child obviously looking, then that would take things to a whole new level?

I think, going back to OP's case, giving dad the benefit of the doubt (yes, hard, but it's a given that he's a stupid twattish dickhead), he thought the child could not see the porn on the screen. Maybe, just maybe, similar to my analogy of finding daddy's magazines under the bed.

I now have my flame-proof hard hat on ... but please, give the OP a break. I think she's handling things OK.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 20:48

Just..... You ae bring ridiculous. You think she's got the advice she has because we all hate men??!!!! Are you for real?

It couldn't be because we're shocked at a bloke looking at pond when his 3 year old was in the room could it??

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 20:48

Of course he'll agree to it and then try and access it when op's back is turned. Which she knows as she will still password protect her phone and laptop.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 20:49

I think lots of people have a quick fumble in bed while the kids are watching TV! I dont think its something that is unheard of.

Behaving the way he has behaved does not immediately make him a predator, it makes him a bloody idiot and potentially something a lot worse.

He has some trust to earn and some bridges to build but I am not going to split my family up because of one incident that could well have been idiotic short-sightedness.

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 20:51

I have to admit my dh and I have often had a sneaky fumble on a saturday morning when we probably should be up and looking after our young kids but stay on in bed for a snog and leave them forage for breakfast and watch crap tv.

Oh my god! You're fucked up! You should have your children taken away you sicko Grin

cjel · 20/10/2013 20:51

Firstly I want to support you op in everything you've done.

This may not be the first time this has happened, only the first time you've caught him.
Just because the person on the end of the phone gave one piece of advice doesn't mean its right.
We are not all carbon copies but there are trends that people follow - you must know that in your studies or how on earth would we be able to work with people.
Don't compare your need to hide away or crises of self to inappropriate use of porn in front of children.xxxxx

MissStrawberry · 20/10/2013 20:51

You sound less angry than when you started this thread. Why do you think that is?

Goodadvice1980 · 20/10/2013 20:53

OP, I really cannot understand how you can bear to have this "man" under your roof tonight?

youarewinning · 20/10/2013 20:53

filee I don't quite know how to write this without appearing rude or upsetting you further but be reassured it's not my intention.
At the beginning I suggested he'd been really stupid and not meant any harm and you accused me of defending him. In fact I agree he's been fucking stupid at best.
You seem to have changed your mind though. I hope it's because you've calmed down and sought the correct professional advice and not because He's played the guilt card on you with regards to him having nowhere to go and the children.

I really hope you can sort this correctly and you both get the help and support you need. But please please have more confidence in yourself and your own abilities to realise you can be a mum alone if it comes to that.

Thanks
mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 20:53

I think it's because the nspcc didn't seem alarmed.

Mojavewonderer · 20/10/2013 20:53

Can I just admit to grabbing my husband for a quickie in the locked bathroom while our children were in the house please (a fair few times)
I am confused, is this bad?

CreatureRetorts · 20/10/2013 20:55

OP I think it's hard to get the sense that you find this behaviour anything other than meaning you need to think about the relationship.

The reason for my responses is that I just fail to see how someone cannot control themselves. It's not the same as having a quick fumble with your partner while the kids are entertaining themselves in a different room. Although that's not something I'd do with a 3 year old around! Not at all.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 20:55

When someone reads a book it is very hard for someone else to see the words too unless they sit very close and most 3 year olds can't read so looking at a book and looking at genitals on a lap top are not comparable.

The point was (which was pretty clear) is that men got turned on by images and women often by words. Many posters were saying its sick to get turned on when there are children in the room and so for that reason it is comparable. As i said in my post . . . the kid wouldn't have been able to read the words or see the images so is it really that different.

Oh and by the way you called me stupid. Pretty sure that's a personal attack and not aloud.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 20:55

oldgrandmama, please calm down... of course a child seeing porn in any form is just as bad. Did you not know that?

There are two opinions on this thread - those that would actively look for porn and happily nip off for a quick wank whilst in charge of children, and those that would not.

Those posters trying to justify it are in the first group and trying to persuade the others that it's ok.

It's not ok. Don't do it. Having to masturbate when you are supposed to be supervising a young child is not normal behaviour.

cupcakeicing · 20/10/2013 20:55

Hope the Flora advert couple have been locked up.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 20/10/2013 20:58

Filee Only you know your DH, not us. Only you know whether there is a risk or not.

You do seem significantly less angry now than you were this morning. You have also felt secure enough to allow your DH to read them a bedtime story.

Why are you so calm now in comparison to this morning?

ScaryFucker · 20/10/2013 20:58

Just I call you out as a liar about that thread you are quoting

of course, you can't link to it because it has been removed and all the posters have namechanged Hmm

did you think we were all born yesterday ? Fgs, that was a piss poor effort.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 20:58

I read the 50 shades books probably when the dcs were about, though I don't really remember, but I definitely wasn't so turned on I had to nip to the loo to sort myself out when the dcs were roaming the house. However...me and dh hAve on a few occasions gone into the bathroom when the dcs were at home. We locked the door and weren't in there long. Does that make us depraved!?!

Yes totally. And you wanderer. Sickos the lot of you!

Mojavewonderer · 20/10/2013 20:59

Well my parents used to have a fumble on a Sunday morning and I am not too badly damaged by it...or am I?? Hmmm obviously I wasn't in the same room though and my dad didn't leave porn about for me to accidentally see.

MissStrawberry · 20/10/2013 21:00

People saying they fuck their husbands in a locked room while the kids play elsewhere so of course it is fine to look at porn with a kid in the same room are being very silly.

harticus · 20/10/2013 21:01

A couple having a discrete quickie is NOT the same as rooting round for internet porn in the company of a 3 year old and then disappearing for a wank.

MissStrawberry · 20/10/2013 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ScaryFucker · 20/10/2013 21:02

Some people will try to find any old shit analogy to excuse someone's right to use porn in front of a 3yo.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 21:02

Scaryfucker.

How dare you! It was most definitely real. It was one of the most shocking things I've ever read on here. Full of bile. I am wondering why you object to it being mentioned so strongly.

There was a lot of very shocked posters who visited that thread, and some frequent posters who admitted how they felt about men on it.

It painted mn in an extremely bad light and so was deleted.

Believe me, don't believe me. Don't give a flying fuck.

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