I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Im late to this but Ive ready most of the initial replies. Some of which is good advice - that you need to speak to DH and maybe contact the NSPCC/Childline to see what their advice is.

Some of the advice is over the top. I'd say its only abuse if the porn was being seen by the child. It wasn't in this case (as far as I can see) - it was for private use, though done in the same room. For example I am on mumsnet with a child in the same room now. The child is not aware of this.

I think its a legitimate cause for concern, but nothing a tough chat and a second chance wont cure. Good luck OP!

"he was just being dumb as dumb no second thoughts male"?

You have got to be kidding. You seriously think this is normal male behaviour?

Matryo it seems very unhealthy.to even consider it bt the op is getting treated very harsh now

Ok. What we know.

He looked at pornographic pics with the child in the room.

He says child didn't see pics.

Op says that's likely seeing as layout of room means if child had been playing he wouldn't have seen the screen.

Have any of the people posting that the child was looking at genitals actually read the thread!?

The op believes her husband and the evidence supports it, so maybe posters should stop making up the rest of the story in their heads and then claiming its fact and declaring the op to be enabling an abuser!

Somethingtosay!!!!! Are you for real???

Because some poor children get raped and beaten....we should all shrug out shoulders at a father looking at porn in front of a 3 year old.

I pray to god you're not on a child protection team....because the term desensitised comes to mind.
Every child matters??? Ever heard that term?!

A man looks at porn while his child is in the room.

If he was watching porn when the child appeared then obviously he wasn't expecting his child to be up so the right thing to do would have been to close down the laptop and look after his child.

This did not happen. He either carried on porn surfing with the child in the room (almost irrelevant now whether the child was already there when he started looking, the point is he was now looking at it with the child in the room) or left the room to have a wank.

I have no clue how good the NSPCC are but if there was any doubt in my mind to the safety of my children he would be out.

OP, are you saying that porn watching and then wanking when supposed to be looking after his child is okay enough to be staying in the house as it could be worse or just not bad enough to kick him out for a while?

He looked at pornographic pics with the child in the room

That alone, that's disgusting. Just doing that is enough to think What the Actual Fuck is wrong with this man.

Let's say he's not abusing the kid, it's still wrong to be looking at porn then sneak off to wank.

Wrong wrong wrong.

Possibly looking at genitals is bad enough. For fucks sake....THE CHILD WAS IN THE ROOM!!! He was AT RISK. Two words AT RISK.

I take it all you laid back posters would be fiiiiiine with your dh doing the same? Be having dinner with him that evening like the op did?

Right, I have made it QUITE clear to him that if any issues occur, if my son mentions anything to anyone at nursery, if he mentions anything to me, if he seems awkward or worried or overly friendly in a sexual way, if he points and says 'pussy' or anything else that could even slightly suggested that he has viewed porn, I will be straight down the police station and H will be out on his ear.

I have not given him an easy ride, I have kicked him out of the house with nowhere to go and tried my BEST to keep things normal for the kids. Talking to him after dinner and bedtime? OF BLOODY COURSE I HAVE it is not a conversation you HAVE in front of a young child, particularly one who you may need to rely on later to tell you what has been going on.

I am not going to let this mans idiocy affect my family anymore than it has to, its already ruined a perfectly good sunday and forced me to go to a new friends house chocking back anger and upset.

I have been fair to him, in that i have been BLOODY hard on him to the point where he has been left in tears on a number of occasions today. He knows as well as I do that I will be very, VERY cautious of his interactions with my children for the foreseeable future and that if there is any risk to either of them he will be out on his ear quicker than he can pack an overnight bag.

He spent 2 hours today walking round our city looking for a place that could take him in, nobody could. Not that it would have made a difference, if the NSPCC had given me one reason to believe that he was better out of the house, that is where he would have stayed.

They know i am a trainee social worker, they know everything they possibly could know about the situation, i was completely real with them. My concern is for 2 people, my children.

The removal of their (idiotic) father would be very upsetting for them, it is not something you just 'do' without having very very good reason.

The op hasn't done anything wrong. No doubt she is still in shock.

i'm not going to comment on the at risk/not at risk debate because that's clearly being done already!!

BUT... aside from that I would be seriously, seriously worried and angry if my partner was incapable of looking after my son for a few hours without thinking about porn and then acting on it!

I mean seriously? you're looking after your child... you play with them? read with them? put a dvd on?
you don't sit there and start thinking, "wow, i really need to have a wank" and then GO AND DO IT!

do you?

you just don't do that.

filee did the NSPCC ask you for school or go details at all?

I dont think one poster has come on here and said that what he was doing was ok. Most posters have said that what he was caught doing and what he admitted to doing is bad enough and is not acceptable in any way.

BUT its the posters that are saying he is grooming the child, abusing the child and jumping to conclusions that are detracting from what actually did happen.

"make him grovel his little arse off"

yeah, that'll do it

make him walk round in the rain for an hour then invite him back for his tea and a chat

that'll do it

I despair, really I do

filee you are not making enough of this

your partner has problems with sexual boundaries, to the point where your 3 yo has got dragged into it

but you'll give him another chance without any other sanctions in place expect you will block his internet access like you might an 11yo

really ? This is enough for you ? You are thinking no deeper about the kind of man that does the kind of thing he has done ? This man you still want around your kids ? You will still sleep with this man ? Still think of him as a "family man" and ensure others do so too ?

this is very worrying

The NSPCC said that I should not attempt to speak to my son about it and note down anything that he says to me if it comes up. They didnt say anything about his nursery no.

except

I have a 3 year old son, the thought of what your DH has done actually makes me feel quite sick. While your child innocently played at the other side of the room aparantly, your DH got his dirty sleazy kicks on a computer and left the child in the room to go and have a wank? What sort of selfish dirty fucker is he?

If my DH done this he would definitely have a nice warm bed for the night- in the hospital, because I would cut his dick off!!!

Filee without wishing to concern you- my parents still dont know what happened to me as a child. I was never asked any questions that suggested they knew something was up, i never said anything at school or to anyone for that matter. Showing no signs doesnt mean unaffected. Btw- by the time he is showing any signs its too late. No point kicking off at husband just when your son confirms he saw something. Stable door, horse, bolted.

Our relationship is a different matter, it is something that we need to talk about and work on if we can.

I am concerned RIGHT NOW about the safety of my children, not about my marriage, frankly it can take a back seat.

I would be far more 'worried' about people who prioritised their own relationship and issues over the safety of their family and right now that INCLUDES my husband, the father of my children.

What benefit will there be to him sleeping outside tonight? if he leaves it will be with the support I would give to anyone I had known for 9 years and shared a life with.

Op...you just said....you will not take their father away without a very good reason. I think he gave you one today. I think you should re read this thread in a weeks time. See if the shock wearing off changes your view point.

Good luck.

Eh? They didn't ask for nursery details??