I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Unsupervised filee? If it ended this evening and he wanted weekly contact would happily send them off to him next weekend?

If I was in your position he'd be out if the door.

Live with a wanking dickhead who tugs one off with my child in the room?? No chance!!.

Think carefully about your future and that of your children.

There is no reason to believe that any abuse is occurring,

none whatsoever.

He has been monumentally stupid, I have sought professional advice, if we broke up because of something else then I would have no reason to believe that this was something to 'use against him'

If i felt in anyway that he was abusing our children, or that he would do anything this stupid again, I would not be letting him be here NOW.

Joinyourplayfellows - its just in this instance I don't see the link. If I caught my dh doing something like this I would go mad at him etc but it would never cross my mind that he was grooming our child or abusing them. I would assume he was being a self indulgent, careless twat and would be so annoyed with him for that. That would be enough for me to get annoyed over. I would never make the jump though to him being an abuser I just don't see the link.

I know there are people who expose young children to porn but I really dont think that is what happened here it just doesnt add up.

I also think there is a big difference between the type of person in the two different scenarios. One is a gobshite the other is a predator.

I am not getting that from the op at all that he fits into the second category.

I agree Spirulini. Too quick to assume all is well.

I know we don't know it is wrong but it is a big risk imo.

I am really not enjoying this perception that I am some how putting my children at risk!

I dont think my children are at risk, the professionals don't think my children are at risk.

I really dont think it is appropriate for people to be judging my family, you do not know us besides words on a screen!

Also, at no point have I said 'all is well' I have made it quite clear to him and to you all that if I feel in anyway uncomfortable with leaving him solely in charge of my children at any time he will be out on his ear.

Oldgrandmama i think your message to opp that was ment to be pm.was spot on you sound very wise

Be careful the way you phrase those questions- op, it could sound as though his only mistake is not covering his arse.

I would be questioning my relationship with someone so seriously sexually incontinent.

You've been v strong op. it must be horrible.

I think you are handling things really well OP, it's clear you put your children first. you are treating him and your children fairly and are being open minded and not making rash judgements. I hope you come to the resolution you feel is right for your children.

His need to bash one out there and then has had the potential to harm your child, end your marriage and adversely affect your nascent career.

Amongst other things, this ^^.
I'm glad you did speak to the NSPCC but I still share the concerns of most other posters.
His response to you is also completely unacceptable and not to be expected from someone who is regretting an almighty, thoughtless, fuck up that has turned out to be much bigger than ever expected (although how any adult could view what he did as just dropping a bollock is beyond me, so inappropriate). It's manipulative and a cause for concern as to how accountable he actually holds himself for this.

My main worry though is with the NSPCC advice, or recording of it. Currently there is really no way to know what your son did or didn't see, at 3 anything could be said by him at nursery or other institution with safeguarding responsibilities. How are you protected and shown to be proactive to the resulting SW? No decent parent will cover up the fact that the disclosures were true so that leaves you in the position of saying 'I did phone the NSPCC the advice was x so I took things no further, no I have no proof of this' and trying to provide a context which you actually don't have at the moment.
Be calm, be cool of course but please don't lose sight of the risk this has left you all open to regardless of how you go on to deal with what you believe of your H.

don't feel you have to explain yourself. You can leave the thread at any time. You were angry with him and he did something really, really bad but you are the judge of your own situation. I don't think a one off is grounds to end it but it needs to be just that, a one off momentary stupid awful thing and he needs to realise that it was stupid and yes would be considered abusive. He needs to realise how cross and upset you are. I hope he is not addicted and hope therefore he will be able to behave appropriately for you, your family and ultimately himself.

Op i wouldnt get upset about what others are saying as you said the professionals dont think the dcs are at risk and you dont either accusing someone of abusing there own son is terrible without any evidence

Hi filee I'm late to the thread but I had a somewhat similar experience recently when we were staying at my in-laws and discovered my radiator in law looking at porn late at night just outside the open door to where my young daughter's were sleeping.
Absolutely no thought that he is dodgy in any way it's just that is where the computer is and it seems he has this habit none of us knew about (but I now think perhaps my MIL knew and had some agreement about it). It wasn't child port or anything but I was so totally disgusted I couldn't even look at him for days. Do told him in no uncertain terms that what he does in his own house is his problem but if he ever looked at Porn with the girls around again then we would never bring them round again. He honestly didn't get why we were annoyed but agreed.
If it's worth the relationship will your do get some help?

My phone records show that I have phoned the NSPCC

I think it would be quite clear if anything were to come up in the future that i would be more than happy to chuck him out the door with a kick in the bollocks if i (or any professional) felt there was a danger to my children.

They asked me what he searched for, they asked me what the pictures were of, he had no time to erase his history so I told them exactly what the pictures consisted of. They said had it been child abuse pictures, or if either he or the child had been inappropriately dressed, it would have been very different.

Hmmm. Your tone has suddenly changed OP. i think im going to bow out of this one now. Just to say that regardless of what you do or dont say here, trust your gut and if there is the slightest doubt in your mind your children deserve to be protected above all else.

He will get some help if necessary I am sure, I am pretty sure he will do anything he can to not lose his family.

"If I caught my dh doing something like this I would go mad at him etc but it would never cross my mind that he was grooming our child or abusing them."

As I have said, you would just turn a blind eye.

If you know that your husband deliberately searches for porn on a massive screen in the same room as your small child, gets aroused and then leaves the room to finish himself off, and it doesn't even occur to you that the child might be at risk of abuse, then you are a fool.

Our job as parents is to be aware of risks like that.

Luckily filee has a good deal more sense than you.

Is this the same guy that won't, or doesn't, have sex with you?

Filee, your life is full of shit and drama on here.

I hope it gets better and you rid yourself of that twat you live with.

What darkdays said.

One final point- make sure to ask him if he has done that before and make sure you are sure that his response is the truth before you move on.

My 'tone has changed' what on earth are you insinuating?

Actually, no, don't answer that.

Thank you everyone for the support, I have made my decision and I am comfortable with it, I don't need people who aren't me making me feel bad because I haven't done things exactly how they would have done them, despite taking professional advice.

Professionals? Who?

The NSPCC are not professionals, as explained further up thread