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Original poster

I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

1000 replies

filee777 · 20/10/2013 10:23

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/10/2013 18:55

"The 3 year old would need to successfully use the mouse, move it to the bottom of the screen, wait for the doc to open (depending on settings) and click on the correct file. There is usually about 15 to choose from."

Um, no.

This is a mac laptop.

All the kid would have to do would be fart around with the track pad and happen upon the minimised window in the doc.

It would open pretty much instantaneously.

This was a browser window, so I have no idea what you are on about with clicking on files and waiting for docs to open.

A minimised browser window could easily be made visible within seconds by a 3 year old messing about.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 18:56

There is no way I would turn a blind eye to something if it was something that had actually happened. Like if the op has said that her son had seen the porn or her dh was wanking in front of him or doing something to him etc... but she hasnt said anything like that at all and his story fits in with what she observed and seems the most logical and plausible version of events. Nothing the op has said or desribed has me thinking in any way that her dh is an abuser. A twat - yes, a fucking eejit, yes but not a child abuser. I really cant see the connection going on what she has posed and the advice she got from the NSPCC. Are they just turning a blind eye too?

I agree.

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 18:58

It is not a 'mac laptop' it is an iMac, similar to a desktop but without a separate monitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 18:59

Yes biological.

Other son is 1 years old.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/10/2013 19:00

"There is no way I would turn a blind eye to something if it was something that had actually happened."

Exactly.

So unless you walked in on a child being abused you would turn a blind eye to any other warning signs that things were not right and automatically believe that what the potential abuser was saying was the truth.

That's pretty much how most sex abuse gets covered up.

But obviously you should keep being really proud of how you are an "innocent until proven guilty" kind of person.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 19:01

Join.

Sorry, a DOCK not doc.

Which is of course filled with programs, current documents and minimise windows. It would only open instantaneously if he happened upon that window and not started opening whatever programs are installed on the mac.

Seeing as op said it was out of reach anyway its not really relevant.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 20/10/2013 19:02

I thought you said imac op. Was starting to think i had imagined it with all the talk of laptops. (love an imac!)

honeybunny14 · 20/10/2013 19:02

Op youve handled this great ive been watching this thread all day im so glad you have had proper advice from nspcc i thing your husband was so wrong and stupid to do that but i think if you or the nspcc thought it was more sinister he wouldnt be in your home ever again

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/10/2013 19:03

Sorry, I thought you said it was a laptop.

So he was watching porn on a massive iMac screen?

The ones where it is easier to see what is happening on the screen from an oblique angle?

Right, I was presuming small screen, very little visibility unless you're straight in front of it.

Erk

Spirulina · 20/10/2013 19:05

That advice from the NSPCC seems off somehow.

LondonNinja · 20/10/2013 19:14

I've got an iMac, it's fucking huge. No hiding anything on that baby - and my 3yo was able to open and close windows by messing around.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what computer it is. His behaviour was, frankly, bizarre.

YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 19:15

I was also surprised at the advice from NSPCC not to log it anywhere. I wonder if op were to call back and speak with a different advisor would the same advice be given.

oldgrandmama · 20/10/2013 19:17

filee777, I'm not posting publicly on MN as I don't want to get into this particular nest of vipers (at one point, turning on each other over the situation) but just wanted to tell you I think you're handling this very well indeed. I'm in my seventies, see it all, and my gut reaction is that your husband, while a stupid, stupid dolt, did not intend your little son to see the screen with the porn and while leaving a tiny child to go and jerk off is so not on, I assume the little one has been left for a few minutes, from time to time, by both of you when it's necessary to visit the toilet.

I reckon the advice you received from the NSPCC was excellent and thoughtful. I am pretty sure your husband is totally shaken up and will NEVER NEVER do something so stupidly horrible again - you'll have really put the wind up him. As to the relationship between you, that'll probably never be quite the same again, but given time, you personally will, I'm sure, come to calm down and, if not forgive him, be able to see the awful incident as him being an utter stupid dick-head.

Very best wishes to you
oldgrandmama/Gabrielle

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 19:17

Yes my iMac is of a reasonable size, If my son were playing in the room though he would not have been able to see it, because of the layout of the room.

Obviously that excuses nothing, but that part of his story does add up.

I want to know

-why he didnt exit the window before going into the downstairs toilet

  • make it clear to him that it is unacceptable to leave the children to wank off
  • why he didnt just search on the iPhone.

But the children are going to bed right now, i am next door to them (both doors open) and H is reading them a story.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 20/10/2013 19:18

Oops - that was meant to be a PM! Aaargh

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 19:18

The fella from the NSPCC went off and spoke to his manager before advising me. I am sure that any advice given would be standard.

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 19:18

Old grandma just to make you aware that you have actually posted that publicly

MrsWedgeAntilles · 20/10/2013 19:19

OP, I've been thinking about you all day. I'm so glad you were able to get some advice and I hope you're feeling better now you have a plan.

You've rightly made the safeguarding of your child your priority here but if you are a trainee social worker you also need to think about how your DH's actions today may affect your career. I know you've taken advice from the NSPCC but do you have any way of proving what their advice was in the event this does come out? If you have a mentor or personal teacher I think it might be an idea ask them for some advice on how to keep yourself right.

Your DH should be truly, truly ashamed of himself. His need to bash one out there and then has had the potential to harm your child, end your marriage and adversely affect your nascent career.

Spirulina · 20/10/2013 19:19

Hmm I wonder

See, if they were to split up over this how would op ever prove this happened? She would need proof in order to insist on supervised contact only. NSPCC know all this. Most odd

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 19:20

Thanks Grandma! Sorry for the none-PM-ness of it! I assumed you were under-the-radar by using a different user name!

I can understand why people have had different opinions on it, its a pretty damn emotive topic and could have been a damn sight worse.

i have been encouraged to seek professional help, which i have and i have received good support here today, despite the one personal dig (which was just so bizarre and pathetic i didnt even acknowledge it til now) and the difference of opinion from time to time.

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 20/10/2013 19:21

What do you means spirulina?

oldgrandmama · 20/10/2013 19:24

Off topic, but I can't understand why my PM appeared here? I did all the right things. Not that it matters, I suppose, but maybe some computer glitch?

whitefeathers · 20/10/2013 19:24

Whilst the NSPCC does some really valuable work, their helpline service is less than respected amongst child protection professionals.

Contrary to popular belief the helpline is not fully staffed by qualified social workers, it is staffed by 'counsellors' who can actually be teachers or other professionals with no experience of statutory social work.

whitefeathers · 20/10/2013 19:25

Sorry that was to spirulina

Original poster
filee777 · 20/10/2013 19:26

if we split up, there would need to be more examples of negligent treatment for me to prevent my husband from seeing his children.

I dont think that is an issue for us right now anyway.

OP posts:
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