I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

NSPCC or police ? I'd be thinking the police are better placed to advise tbh.

He threatens you because he was scared .

This has all the hall marks of initial horror being down graded to I am pissed off with you but I'll take you back as long as you say sorry enough.

Your poor children.

Hi Filee you have handled it fine. You have gotten advice from the NSPCC and I think his story does sound like what most likely did happen. The fact that he admitted to you that he sneaked off for a wank is a good thing imo cause even though most people would not see this as a normal thing to do the fact that he admitted it means he was honest about that. I can't see the connection that all the other posters are going on about in relation to grooming your child or abusing your child I dont think it was about that. It does sound more like he has a porn habit and put that in front of his parenting responsibilities and he does need to take responsibility for that and needs to know how wrong that is and that it is not acceptable. Does he realise how stupid he was? Is he accepting that what he did was totally inappropriate?

I spoke to the NSPCC, who gave me proper legal advice, I see no reason to then speak to the police.

Yes he knows he has been totally inappropriate and how serious it is.

Neitheronethingortheother you have no idea whether the OP's husband is being honest or not.

"The fact that he admitted to you that he sneaked off for a wank is a good thing imo cause even though most people would not see this as a normal thing to do the fact that he admitted it means he was honest about that."

No it DOESN'T

Admitting to something embarrassing but less awful than the really bad thing you've done is Item 1 in the Liar's Handbook.

Seriously, how gullible are you?

He might be telling the truth.

He might be lying.

But thankfully for her child filee doesn't sounds as willing to believe everything a man says as the gospel truth.

From what you've said it sounds believable to me. Not the smartest thing but not as terrible as some seem to feel, if what he is saying is true.

Im surprised that someone said their 3 year old can unminimise a window. Mine wouldn't know how to do that at 5 and 6! Unless you have an extremely computer literate 3 year old i would think the chances of that being a risk are small. Rather it wasn't there at all of course!

On a different note i was surprised that the man on the phone told you that it was an issue with safety when your dh went into the toilet and left your 3 year old alone. If you ignore what he was actually doing in there i would imagine that's something that happens in houses all over the country every day. It could take no longer to wank than to have a poo!

Well is comes across as more plausible than anything else that has been suggested by people who do not know him and would prefer to think the worst even though there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that either.

I guess I am an innocent til prove guilty type of person.

Why also did NSPCC not seem to think there was anything more sinister to what he was doing other than being a gobshite for taking a risk of watching porn around a child?

My 3 year old doesn't KNOW how to bring up a minimised a window.

But if I left her unattended with my laptop, there's a good chance she'd manage to get to any open page on the desktop.

It's not exactly hard to open a minimised window on a mac. There are several ways to do it.

Just bashing away on the keyboard would give you a reasonable chance.

"I guess I am an innocent til prove guilty type of person."

No, you are a "turn a blind eye" type of person.

This man has very good reasons to lie right now.

So only a complete idiot would take everything he says at face value.

Neither.

I guess I am an innocent til prove guilty type of person.

Not many other people on mn are, and are rather prone to coming to the worst possible conclusion where men are concerned.

Join.

The 3 year old would need to successfully use the mouse, move it to the bottom of the screen, wait for the doc to open (depending on settings) and click on the correct file. There is usually about 15 to choose from.

He couldn't have opened the window, the mouse was out of reach on the table.

There is no way I would turn a blind eye to something if it was something that had actually happened. Like if the op has said that her son had seen the porn or her dh was wanking in front of him or doing something to him etc... but she hasnt said anything like that at all and his story fits in with what she observed and seems the most logical and plausible version of events. Nothing the op has said or desribed has me thinking in any way that her dh is an abuser. A twat - yes, a fucking eejit, yes but not a child abuser. I really cant see the connection going on what she has posed and the advice she got from the NSPCC. Are they just turning a blind eye too?

Did your ds see anything or not?

filee well done for calling the helpline.

There is a simple solution to make sure this doesn't happen again.

You make your home a porn-free home.

And he agrees not to look at porn outside of the house if he is in charge of, or in the company of, children.

These are really, easy, simple safeguards to make sure this doesn't happen again.

If porn is more important to him that his child's wellbeing then I think you will have to call an end to this relationship. Because whilst a 3 year old might not be that computer savvy, a six, ten, or 14 year old would be.

Put safety practices into place now to prevent future harm.

I wander if the situation was as sinister as some posts suggest,would dp not have just knocked 1 off in the seat he was sat in? The man (although a prick for doing what he did)appears to at least have had the decency to leave the room whilst he got his kicks. In the same way he would if he was going for a pee.. Although I've never grabbed a stopwatch and asked my dh to time his wank, I don't think he would have been gone for more than a few mins.

I've password protected my computer and I am going to phone our provider and see what locks I can put on the phones.

So if you believe his account he
-searched for porn while in the same room as his child, although not in eyeshot

• looked up what he had found on his phone

-minimised the porn and left the laptop out of child's range -took phone to the toilet, leaving child alone, and masturbated -returned to the room at the point you entered and acted embarrassed/suspicious

I don't believe what he has done constitutes grooming, as he has apparently ensured that the child could not see the porn. However his boundaries are frighteningly loose. Looking for porn while your child is present is outrageous and definitely crosses a line - it is utterly wrong to get intentionally sexually aroused while in the presence of a child. That's clearly what he did, on purpose, witnessed by the intentional search for porn and subsequent exit to masturbate. So he was sexually aroused before he left the room.
Leaving your child alone to masturbate also shows a dangerous blurring of boundaries and compartmentalising of priorities. When in charge of a child his mind should be on the child. Popping to the loo with an ear out for the child is ok. Going to the loo, watching porn and masturbating is not ok. He switched off from childcare without ensuring the child was safe. He was able o think about sex and plan a sexual encounter while he should have been looking after his child. It's horrible, twisted and frankly messed up. At the very least it shows a dangerous level of influence that porn has on his mind.

OP, your original post says "but when I checked my computer there were open pages of porn there"

Very odd.

There was an open page of porn there, Minimised.

Its still open if it is minimised.

Can't imagine how hard this is for you filee, but you sound like you are handling it really well. Make sure to take some time for yourself today.

Thank you everyone. I have just come upstairs for a breather.

I've moved the iMac back onto my desk, it was only downstairs so that i could re-read my sociology homework.

Is he the biological father of your son? Is your other child older?

I really hope this is a one off of stupid behaviour from your husband, that your 3 year old saw nothing at all and your children are never put at risk again.