Does this man sound abusive. I say no - my friends think YES!

[LovelyVerity]

OK, I'm asking for a friend (no really I am). My 3 best girlfriends and I have known each other for the best part of two decades - we all lived together at uni. One of us has been single for over a decade - didn't want her kids to get "uncles" - fair enough. So at Christmas she announced she was going to do "dating for fun" now youngest is at Boarding school - then 2 weeks later she met this bloke she now describes as The Real Deal. Last weekend he proposed!

I like him - I would say yes. Our other two friends think she is vulnerable and he is controlling and scary. One of them goes so far to say he will probably end up hitting her. Here's why they think that:

1. When they first met, he refused to have sex for 4 months, because he doesn't 'do' casual sex - they say weird and controlling for a bloke - I say fair enough.
2. He has professional qualifications in massage/hoslitic therapies (not sleazy) and likes to massage my friend - usually moving onto sex. I say WOO HOO - they say he likes his women passive and inert.
3. He enjoys masturbating her to orgasm.. apparently this makes him controlling and domineering.. I could live with that ;-)
4. He told her he'd like to take her somewhere special for her birthday - and then turned up on her doorstep that morning and told her they were going to Le Meurice, Paris for dinner - which meant she had to cancel brunch with us on the Sunday (which we do often anyway), as they obv stayed over night... they say... well - you get the picture.. I think it was maybe a tad presumptuous but FFS... it's new love... and it was LE MEURICE!!!
5. He says he wants to get married and try for a baby ASAP. My friends think this is pushy and pressurising and close to emotional blackmail. Friend had thought her baby days were done - but he has no children. I sort of admire him for being so up front.

What do you think? I should add, he's charming, educated, funny and solvent, and he gets on great with her children (now 18 and 15). I would say yes, but are my friends really seeing danger signs that I just can't see?

I have an ex a bit like the man described - actually scarily so in many ways but he did have teenage kids who lived with him although he also said he wanted a baby with me so he could 'get it right this time.' Anyway, he proved not to be the man I thought he was and although I wouldn't say he was an out and out con artist - no actually I would now thinking back.

I thought all of my friends liked him but actually a number didn't and I wish they had said something. At first I thought the gestures were lovely but then I felt smothered and controlled. Eventually it went wrong and he left me high and dry and in debt! Then I found out about him, his financial situation and stuff began to make sense.

I would tell your friend to enjoy this relationship but really slow it down so it works for her. If he doesn't like it he will show his true colours and she will see him as he truly is if there is another side to him. I would also suggest lots of girly times with your friend so she can have time away and thus get some perspective on this man who seems too good to Be true.

I might have missed it, but I'd want more details about his past.
Has he been married before? If so what went wrong?
Has he been in long term relationships recently?
Why no kids?
He really wants to be running around after teenagers when he's 60+ rather than chilling on a beach enjoying retirement??
Each to their own I guess.

He says he wants to get married and try for a baby ASAP. My friends think this is pushy and pressurising and close to emotional blackmail. Friend had thought her baby days were done - but he has no children

It is a bit pushy, to be honest. Fine to ask if those things are at least things she might want, because if not he would presumably not want to continue with the relationship. But wanting to get an agreement to do this straight away is pushy and pressurising, I think.