Tantrums and petty behaviour

[incapablemale]

Hello,

First post, so please let me know gently if I am in the wrong bit. Not sure really if this should be in AIBU, but thought it fitted better here. Apologies its so long.

I find myself in a marriage that is not fun or happy. While I have read a fair bit on various threads about many husbands being useless and totally oblivious to any household tasks, I like to think and hope I'm not in that league.

OH recently gave birth to second child (DD) and had many complications. For over a month before the birth I took significant time off work and cared for DC1, OH and the house. Although cleaning is something that I'm not that hot on, for the last 6 months now, I have washed up everything every day, making sure the kitchen is clean for the next day, and everything ready to use. I've cooked ALL the meals, I've done as much washing as I can, and have taken as much care of DC1 as I possibly can, caring for him throughout the night, and when I can taking DC2 to give my OH sleep.

However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. Things that annoy her are blown out of all proportion. I am aware that the sun does not shine from my posterior, but stupid little things that we could grin and have a laugh about are always turned into a matter of her getting more and more stressed, shouty and unpleasant.

Any time she is annoyed (almost all the time it seems) she withholds physical affection, talks to me in a cold or very hostile and sometimes threatening way, and uses the children (the threat of taking them away) for emotional blackmail.

To an extent, if I really am as annoying as she seems to think I am then I deserve some of this behaviour, however, what really worries me is that DC1 is like a sponge and is picking up this behaviour, and how to treat and talk to me.

What on earth can I do to make her see that we don't need the stress and also talk/bring down situations that otherwise seem to flare up from nothing to massive arguments?

Nobody should be trying to change someone else's behaviour.

(I married a Professor Higgins to my Eliza Doolittle - and it didn't turn out well!)

I don't know. Something isn't sitting right with me in all of this. I know the OP's wife sounds all over the place, but I think the OP is painting such a saintly picture of himself. Some things are a slight giveaway though:I calmly say to her that she doesn't need to raise her voice, it creates a bad atmosphere and that she doesn't need to be annoyed, there is no need, and I asked her if she realised she was being aggressive in her tone of voice? Especially as it's something so pointless - a car seat, not an end of the world dilemma. I think the OP sounds like he can be quite patronising and sarcastic, which is really not helpful for someone in the OP's wife's state.

I think you are looking for something which isn't there.

Is it really that hard to believe that a woman can be in the wrong and the man can be a victim of abusive behaviour? This reluctance to believe it and to look for evidence that all is not as it so obviously is/seems, is exactly why there is such reluctance from men in this situation to come forward and ask for help, and such stigma attached to it still.

And his wifes state? That only applies if her behaviour is entirely caused by pnd, but some things op has said make me think she is just an abusive arse who happens to have just had a baby.

I've had various doubts, too, but the plain truth is this OP is suffering abuse from their partner. The incidents he's described - and, importantly, the pattern of events - are of bullying, manipulative, unreasonable behaviour.

Being abused is terribly confusing. There are no correct responses. He's actually been a lot more tolerant than I was; my husband was able to describe me as abusive, without lying at all. He just missed out the parts where he'd driven me literally to the edge of sanity!

I would have supported criticism of the quoted exchange, if the rest of the thread also seemed to depict OP trying to control his partner's needs, tone of voice and so on. But it doesn't. He's been busting a gut to meet her demands - and the demands keep changing. That is horribly familiar to those of us with experience as a 'target'.

It's worth repeating, icm, that this can be turned against you and so you need advice from experts. I hope things are moving forward in your life, one way and another.

I read the thread and your wife sounds just like me and my dh could write a lot of what you have written.

I suffered pnd after birth of dc2. He nearly died at birth, I ended up with a crash c section and he was a very very difficult baby. It was not what we expected to happen at all and it knocked me for six. My dh was not supportive or understanding at all at the time. It was the hardest time of my life and for the first 12 months of my ds' life I look back and all I see are bad times.

My pnd was never diagnosed as my dh dismissed it (I'm a drama queen apparently) but I know that's what I had.

We went on to have dc3 and I didn't suffer from it this time round, although I did have major baby blues for a fortnight but was told to 'snap out of it'.

My dh does try hard for me. He does things that will make me happy and he does truly love me and put me first. But...

He depresses me. He is constantly moaning or whining at me, what I have or haven't done. I do have down days, which I explain to him but he just gets angry with me. He calls me a cunt and tells me I'm a lazy bitch because I haven't done anything that day.

My behaviour in response to this is to withdraw completely, I cannot be affectionate to someone who upsets me. I get angry with him, I shout and I can say very nasty things. Sometimes I suspect my behaviour is abusive bit I cannot control it. It is always worse around that totm, but I am told FFs you are only in a mood because you are on your perios, can't you fucking control it? That's pathetic.

My husband would never ever even think about all of the stuff he says and does to me to make me sad, he only thinks about the good things.

Sorry this is long.

He calls me a cunt and tells me I'm a lazy bitch

Cocky, nobody should put up with that! Why are you still married?

Sorry OP. I wanted to try and say something to help you but ended up blurting out a load of my own crap. I know what I want to say to you, but if can't work out what that is iyswim?

Sometimes we are very, very happy. But life stresses, work, 3 dc's etc gets in the way and we end up in a rut.

I don't wish to hijack the op's thread.

Cocky. He doesn't control himself when calling you a cunt does he!

I think you need to get out of that situation. He doesn't support you when you're ill, doesn't help you get the help you need instead tells you to snap out of it, tells you to fucking control it when you're having a bad day, calls you lazy bitch, is horrible and moany and miserable to be around, and didn't support you at all after a traumatic birth. . . that's not a rut.

Cocky - that's bad. Really bad. You poor thing.

Cocky, it sounds deadful, you poor thing. If you start a thread for yourself, then there are a lot of people here who will help and support you.

OP, have you tried Respect, WA or any of the other agencies suggested on this thread, yet? Sorry to nag, but you really need to get a bit of rl support and advice. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do, but it really sounds like you need someone to hold you up.

Cocky, it sounds like your husband needs some basic manors. You should not have to put up with any of that at all. I know I can be moany, annoyed and annoying, but it's never intentional and it would seem both our OH's think we do it on purpose. I feel for you.

I'd record his abuse. The evidence will help you, as it has done me, to realise it's not all in my head.

I am seeking advice with several of the organisations people have been so kind to suggest. Many thanks for this everyone.

I realise that for me the tipping point has been that I don't want my children in the atmosphere that has become the norm. I also want to be able to enjoy being with OH and the DCs. I don't want to trash our family or prove OH wrong. I am sure if one of us wins then everyone loses - most of all the children. But, I can't stand to be walking on eggshells while spending time with my DC. If everything I do is wrong it makes it so hard and difficult to do the simplest of things. A bit like if you are worried of offending someone then you are more likely to do it, just because you are stressed. I long for a time when I can relax and be myself with my children. Not told that the way I'm holding them shows I don't love them or whatever it is next that is wrong. I just want to have fun with my DCs.

I'm now being threatened by her that if I continue to stick to the truth - that she was physically abusive in the street - then we will basically dissolve the marriage.

So, as long as I lie and say it didn't happen she might find it within herself to love me. Think I'll pass on that.

She will now not talk to me unless it's in front of a counsellor, and is making a superhuman effort to be a Stepford wife - which is weird!!!!!!!!!!!

Cocky - I wish you luck with your battle.

Thanking everyone on here for their help and support. It really helps me, thank-you.

Have you been able to speak to your MIL again?

Good to see you back OP, and also good to see your typing is more coherent. That'll be the stress and fear lessening.

That's an...interesting ultimatum. "Lie, and I'll hide how much I despise you". I'd pass too.

Wishing you strength, peace and courage.

Random - I did CC MIL into an e-mail I sent to OH today. She again told me that I was a great father and that she hopes things can be better. I'd like her to tell her daughter to seek help as I have been pleading with her to do. But MIL says that a Psych friend of hers tells her to send positive things to her daughter.

Fair enough except it just reinforces the assumption that OH's behaviour is reasonable.

Thanks Disgrace. Yes, the same ultimatum was issued as a condition to go to Relate. But we got there.

Oh, the Stepford wives act couldn't last, sadly.

Work up at 7 with DC1 happy and full of energy. Took care of DC1 and also did a huge washing up marathon while DC1 was ensconced in the TV. Hoped to be at work by 9am. Ended up driving OH and DCs to soft play area on other side of town and got to work at 10:50 Got phoned at 12:55 to say, come and get us - looked out of the window and its bright clear blue sky. (It had been raining earlier). OH has seriously superb stroller and could walk home. Anyway, hopped in car and zoomed to get them. When I got there spent about 40 minutes with DC1 in the ballpark and on the slides and other things having a great time! VERY nice, although I should have been at work - massive deadline looming!!! (OH knows this).

Learned that they had already had lunch. OH had bought a sandwich, DC1 wanted none of that but had eaten a WHOLE bowl of ice-cream.

Drive everyone home, make a warm bottle of milk and take DC1 for afternoon nap. DC1 very relaxed, calm and happy to have me giving him the bottle of milk. I have soft music playing quietly on my phone while he gradually slips into sleep. All great. About to get up and leave when DC1 opens eyes and starts projectile vomiting. Desperately gathering sheets around child and scooping him up and run with him to the bathroom and call for help!

OH enters bathroom as I am washing my hands to deal with the bedsheets that need to come off before things soak through and there is more to clean. She is instantly furious with me - accusing me of making DC1 sick - WTF? Why would I do that. (I am also covered in vomit) Go back into the bathroom to get the clothes DC1 was wearing that are covered in vomit, the idea being to put all the clothes and bedding into a black bag and contain it, so I can take it to the laundrette later (our washing mating broke a week or two ago and despite being a hawk on Freecycle I am yet to find one for now, although I have a promise for one in two weeks - fingers crossed). Anyway, I get shouted at to go away by OH, apparently I am not helping and only making it worse.

What worse, the fact that we need to bathe DC1 and get him warm again.

She then shouts at me, swearing that there is no hot water (we're on economy 7 and I have told her how it heats in the night, and also we have it on in the late afternoon to do baths before bed and washing up). There is an electric shower - just use that - she is still furious.

No matter, again, I am in the wrong. Seems I made DC1 vomit deliberately, and then when I tried to gather all the vomity clothes up and offer assistance to the bathing, that was the totally wrong thing to do as well.

Anyone care to step into my shoes for a while, I've had enough.

Oh, this is rubbish for you and DC :( For her, too, but fact is she's wreaking damage all over the place and won't seek help. If the roles were reversed, I'd be urging you to get your partner to leave somehow, but this is complicated when she's the DCs' mother.

I hadn't realised you were so pushed for money - I suppose taking the children off to a Travelodge for a few nights isn't an option, especially with the baby still breast-feeding. I don't know what to suggest! Have the helplines offered any concrete advice?

You do actually need to take care of your own mental health. It sounds like you're already cramming a quart into a pint pot, work wise, and it won't help your children any if that pot breaks. Would there be any possibility of packing OH off to her mother's for a bit, or going to stay elsewhere yourself?

Problem is that the ILs live abroad...

Nightmare isn't it.

It is a nightmare.

We have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm also going to get contacted by Relate tomorrow - and can't wait for their news!

I know that I should be being as nice as I can and supportive around OH, but it's impossible when she makes a scene out of something we should be working together to sort out (eg child vomiting over entire bed).

In the very short term, a "yes dear" approach is probably safest. This also requires you to keep some degree of emotional detachment, which will save your sanity for a while.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like hell. Good to hear you're expecting professional reinforcements tomorrow!

Nightmare. :(