Tantrums and petty behaviour

[incapablemale]

Hello,

First post, so please let me know gently if I am in the wrong bit. Not sure really if this should be in AIBU, but thought it fitted better here. Apologies its so long.

I find myself in a marriage that is not fun or happy. While I have read a fair bit on various threads about many husbands being useless and totally oblivious to any household tasks, I like to think and hope I'm not in that league.

OH recently gave birth to second child (DD) and had many complications. For over a month before the birth I took significant time off work and cared for DC1, OH and the house. Although cleaning is something that I'm not that hot on, for the last 6 months now, I have washed up everything every day, making sure the kitchen is clean for the next day, and everything ready to use. I've cooked ALL the meals, I've done as much washing as I can, and have taken as much care of DC1 as I possibly can, caring for him throughout the night, and when I can taking DC2 to give my OH sleep.

However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. Things that annoy her are blown out of all proportion. I am aware that the sun does not shine from my posterior, but stupid little things that we could grin and have a laugh about are always turned into a matter of her getting more and more stressed, shouty and unpleasant.

Any time she is annoyed (almost all the time it seems) she withholds physical affection, talks to me in a cold or very hostile and sometimes threatening way, and uses the children (the threat of taking them away) for emotional blackmail.

To an extent, if I really am as annoying as she seems to think I am then I deserve some of this behaviour, however, what really worries me is that DC1 is like a sponge and is picking up this behaviour, and how to treat and talk to me.

What on earth can I do to make her see that we don't need the stress and also talk/bring down situations that otherwise seem to flare up from nothing to massive arguments?

Glad you are making some sort of progress.
I really hope you managed to get the HV on board as well.
And yes! It is a good start to stop hiding her behaviour and make her responsible for it.
Especially if she is completely unaware of what she is doing!
Don't forget - record as much as you can so she can't rewrite history.
But if she has PND then hopefully you can get her the help she needs and start to rebuild things.
Good luck!

I am also suspicious that she's abusive generally because of this

I am sure she does not respect me, in fact I'm not sure she respects anyone. Any/all rules exist purely to be bent or ignored by her it would seem, and when she does occasionally run into a jobsworth it can get unpleasant.

It is hard to tell when he is referring to, but he does seem to be talking about her general personality and not just how she's been since the baby.

She comes across in that statement alone as an arsehole.

Oh dear, the progress seems to be all unravelling ;-( Today the health visitor came round and I learn through e-mail from another of DP family that she has convinced the health visitor that she is 1005 fine and I am the problem.

Also learnt today that her last long term relationship crashed as a result of her hating the other poor guys parents - history repeating itself.

I know that her family have pointed this out to her today, but she is adamant that I am the problem.

So, she had a chance to get help through the HV, but has managed to act her way out of it, a massive own goal if ever as far as I can see. Except, that its not an own goal, its means the situation will not change - I assume because she thrives on it, even though she says that it is terrible.

I am amazed and exhausted by the whole thing.

Oh, no, poor you

So she did this to her ex?

She's not okay, is she :(

I'm dreadfully sorry to say it will be wise to start getting your ducks in a row, for a possible eventual split. PLEASE do call one of the helplines for an objective view and pragmatic advice. She can so easily turn her own behaviour back against you. This is important.

Well done for getting more context; it's heartbreaking but also affirming.

Contact the HV yourself and tell them your concerns?

How long were you with her before you had children op and was her behaviour always like this to some extent?

She does sound like a classic abuser, what with the cutting partners off from family and friends as well.

Oh, you poor guy.

You are going to have to talk to the DV unit. The thing is, Relate MUST inform the relevant authorities if they are aware of violence, especially if it occurs in the presence of children. If you fail to do so as well, the police and SS will assume you to be complicit.

If your OH had been abusive to you through illness, I would have expected the HV to be met with fairly florid misbehaviour. That's fixable. Manipulative charm? An hour's reading in here will tell you that's a May Day parade of a red flag.

I am so very sorry for you and the children.

The observation that she must thrive on it is very perceptive, OP, and classic explanation of why abusers don't change.

You cannot force her to get help. Neither can you get help on her behalf. She has to want help in order to accept it.

You need to think of yourself. She has had a lot of practice in attacking you and you must defend yourself.

Have you called 101? Do it - before she starts trying to convince the authorities that you are the one with the problem.

Speak to your GP.

Call the Men's Advice Line, if you haven't already.

Even someone quite clued-up about DV will have to stop and think if confronted by two people both pointing their fingers at each other and saying, "That is the abuser." :(

That's why you have to be heard first.

I'm so sorry u r going through this :(
U must be so stressed out and feeling low yourself. :(
Please report asault to the police. U will need this in court during divorce (I think thats the way u might go...)
Please go to gp, contact health visitor, see solicitor, keep passpirts and birth certificates with u, read about child abduction, let all family and friends whats going on. Record her abuse ~ it will help in court.

Be strong. My thoughts r with u and your kids.

She is clever and practised, but you are not (clever on that way, I mean). You are going to have to do everything you can to protect yourself, or you will find yourself the villain of the piece, and contact with your children seriously curtailed.

I hope you have called WA, and DV Unit and all the other agencies recommended on this thread. This is not merely for your own protection, but for your children's protection too.

Arrived home and OH was early nice - more nice than she has been for ages!!!

Had a long talk with OH tonight, and seemed to be a calm evening, talked about how her mood swings are really not nice to deal with, how there is no need for them and how the children don't need us arguing.

She agreed and said the HV had said she didn't think it was PND, but there seemed to be a lot if anxiety and that OH is always worried due to everything she went through that bad things will happen to her children if she is not always with them.

I pointed out that this anxiety means that ai am not trusted with my own children and I find it incredibly stressful to be with my children as everything I do with them is, in real time, said to be incorrect or wrong. Be it the spoon I'm using yo fee one if them to the way I am holding playing with them.

I said that there needs to be more trust and that I need to be able to relax around my children and be me with them. Not fearful of negative commentary all the time.

I also calmly talked about her mood swings and how I can't invite people like my parents around if she is so volatile.

I used several examples she seemed to understand.

I also said that it wasn't trading on eggshells but on landlines, and that it is so hurtful and humiliating to have Everything you do dismissed as foolish, stupid or nonessential.

I asked her why she was being so nice and she said that she was, "Being how I have to be at your parents. I have to say nothing and preyed everything is correct and fine."

I said she should be herself, that I remembered a happy DP (slight lie really, but enough worm cans were open already and I didn't want to lose the thread of the conversation) and that I didn't understand how she felt like this. I want her to be happy, I want out family to be happy In a calm peaceful environment.

I ask you MNers - Does someone really need to go from the extreme of not trusting me on or with anything to keeping totally silent bait everything?

Anyway. An hour later after helping her with some cooking and with some IT stuff and everything being calm and lovely, I was compiling a list of things she wanted me to do tomorrow. She said, "oh you need to put the baby seat back in the car." I asked why? (As it's a good toy for DC1 and we can put him in it to play for ages - giving her time off crucially). She raises her voice up three levels of annoyance and used the tone of 'it's obvious you idiot' to say, "I need the room!" I calmly say to her that she doesn't need to raise her voice, it creates a bad atmosphere and that she doesn't need to be annoyed, there is no need, and I asked her if she realised she was being aggressive in her tone of voice? Especially as it's something so pointless - a car seat, not an end of the world dilemma. I asked her, "can you see that you raising your voice isn't necessary?"

She then storms off to bed.

Wonderful. It's not going around in Circles as much as going around a Möbius strip where one side is evil and the other is love, except there are no sides on a Möbius strip - and you never know when you will suddenly come up against the wall of hate.

PffffT! How exhausting. I just don't know.

SGB, I think, asked these questions:
a) How long has she been in this country?
b) Does she speak English well and socialise much?

You seem to have very different levels of English. Why is this?

I don't know whether this will be even remotely helpful, but just in case ...
Here are the pages from Mind on certain conditions.

PTSD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Post-Natal Depression

Bi-Polar Disorder

Paranoia

Here is an introduction to the Cycle of Abuse, which may help to identify patterns in your relationship.

On the same site, there is a 'Toolbox' that would be useful.

As you said your wife's family lives abroad, it is worth considering whether she feels lost or isolated. Are language difficulties or cultural differences likely to be making her feel excluded?

The op and I exchange a few pms last week, the dw is from an english speaking country so no language issues and some but not massive cultural differences.

Random, she may be from an English speaking country, but not English speaking community. I just picked up what sound like cultural differences and wonder how living here is affecting her.

I know which country she is from so that is unlikely but I don't feel it's my place to say which one.

OK. OP, has your wife never been happy then? Why did marry her?

I don't know. Something isn't sitting right with me in all of this. I know the OP's wife sounds all over the place, but I think the OP is painting such a saintly picture of himself. Some things are a slight giveaway though: I calmly say to her that she doesn't need to raise her voice, it creates a bad atmosphere and that she doesn't need to be annoyed, there is no need, and I asked her if she realised she was being aggressive in her tone of voice? Especially as it's something so pointless - a car seat, not an end of the world dilemma.

I think the OP sounds like he can be quite patronising and sarcastic, which is really not helpful for someone in the OP's wife's state. I have been depressed and this kind of treatment will make me a lot worse and drive me a bit bananas if I'm honest.

OP, I know you are struggling, but also try and understand the pain she is going through, the emotional pain I mean. I think she definitely needs the doctor, but equally perhaps the way you went about 'persuading' her didn't help. I would get her Mum back and try and work things from there.

English is OH second language. But she is very proficient. There appear not be cultural differences, but the parenting style of her and my parents couldn't be further apart.

Why did you marry her, incapablemale?

MerryMarigold probably because on some deep unconcious level he wants to rescue her - LOL!!!

Most of us pick our partners because they mirror on a subconcious our opposite sex parents hence why women with abusive fathers marry abusive men...

My dh is more like my Mum! I must be weird.

Nope but you've still chosen someone to help reflect what you grew up with...

I hear what you're saying, Marigold. That bit about calmly telling her a car seat is not a big deal and she's dealing with it wrong jarred with me, too.