Tantrums and petty behaviour

[incapablemale]

Hello,

First post, so please let me know gently if I am in the wrong bit. Not sure really if this should be in AIBU, but thought it fitted better here. Apologies its so long.

I find myself in a marriage that is not fun or happy. While I have read a fair bit on various threads about many husbands being useless and totally oblivious to any household tasks, I like to think and hope I'm not in that league.

OH recently gave birth to second child (DD) and had many complications. For over a month before the birth I took significant time off work and cared for DC1, OH and the house. Although cleaning is something that I'm not that hot on, for the last 6 months now, I have washed up everything every day, making sure the kitchen is clean for the next day, and everything ready to use. I've cooked ALL the meals, I've done as much washing as I can, and have taken as much care of DC1 as I possibly can, caring for him throughout the night, and when I can taking DC2 to give my OH sleep.

However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. Things that annoy her are blown out of all proportion. I am aware that the sun does not shine from my posterior, but stupid little things that we could grin and have a laugh about are always turned into a matter of her getting more and more stressed, shouty and unpleasant.

Any time she is annoyed (almost all the time it seems) she withholds physical affection, talks to me in a cold or very hostile and sometimes threatening way, and uses the children (the threat of taking them away) for emotional blackmail.

To an extent, if I really am as annoying as she seems to think I am then I deserve some of this behaviour, however, what really worries me is that DC1 is like a sponge and is picking up this behaviour, and how to treat and talk to me.

What on earth can I do to make her see that we don't need the stress and also talk/bring down situations that otherwise seem to flare up from nothing to massive arguments?

If you've got a supportive MIL, you might be able to find a way through this. I expect that anything you say will be taken the wrong way. If you suggest she expresses milk so that you can take over night feeds and allow her to sleep, she'll probably interpret that as you accusing her of being unable to cope and a bad mum, etc. So don't suggest it yourself, get your MIL to do it. Make sure MIL is on board though and is prepared to 'own' the suggestion. If she lets slip that the two of you are discussing your DW between you, your DW will go ballistic.

Sleep is really the first step to fixing this.

Does your dp get any time to herself? Is she on maternity leave or a SAHM? Does she get to see other people? Is DC1 at home too every day? It sounds hard going if she is stuck at home every day with 2 kids and up all night with the baby... I know I really struggled on maternity leave and felt loads happier when I went back to work after a year and DH and I only really started getting along again after that.

I can see that everything you suggest can get taken the wrong way but if in a calm moment you can offer to do all the night feeds if she wishes to stop bf overnight - even just acknowledging to her that?

Would your dw like to spend a weekend with her MUM and dd whilst ds stays with you?

I hope your MIL can persuade her to get help.

I'm shocked at how gentle everyone is being with your OH, if she were a man there would be shouts of LTB from every corner...she sounds like a total nightmare and whether its PND or not, there is no excuse for her to treat you like this. I'd definitely tell her so aswell. Especially as there are children involved learning from her. I'd have a frank and honest conversation, and definitely suggest relationship councelling for you both. But she IS being emotionally and verbally abusive to you and you mustn't forget that:( I'm sorry you're in this position.

You sound almost scared of her. What would happen if you yelled back at her, do you think? (goes without saying whilst your DCs are not around).
OK, all this does sound as if she might be unwell, but if not, I'm wondering if she's just somehow lost respect for you. If that's the case then there is simply nothing you can say that she won't want to tut at. So maybe you have nothing to lose by telling her very firmly and clearly that you will not be spoken to like that.

The point about if the genders were reversed that cakehappy makes is very valid.

I am sure she does not respect me, in fact I'm not sure she respects anyone. Any/all rules exist purely to be bent or ignored by her it would seem, and when she does occasionally run into a jobsworth it can get unpleasant.

(I'm posting from my mobile and can't re-read threads while writing and haven't got enough brain to remember all that alive just read... Will go a read again and then reply again...)

Clam, I am scared of her! I can't understand, comprehend or fathom her behaviour or swings of mood. She can disappear with my children over night and at her whim, and I seem to be less and less able to talk her down.

Each time I've tried to match or exceed her level of disgust/anger/hatred/shouting it only ever results in me being definitely bad and having to apologise. (Not that she ever apologises EVER)!

The crazy thing is that when I eat humble lie or just try and patch up the situation and say it was my fault and I'm sorry she refuses to accept it and her stock line is, "It's easy to say sorry."

I can't win. I don't want to win, just have happy times as a family. Then everyone wins, surely?

Is not up to you to put up with this. If this was a woman saying she thought her husband had depression and was treating her like shit then the advice wouldn't be too try and figure out the problem and give the chances after chances. What do you want to do op?

I'm not sure she respects anyone. Any/all rules exist purely to be bent or ignored by her ... it can get unpleasant.

OK, this doesn't sound like something that's arisen since the birth. Did you mean she's always been too important for rules, always been a mean & dangerous driver, and so on?

I think you maybe ought to re-read that 'Loser' thread you found, and the other 'red flag' thread, whose title I've forgotten.

Sorry :(

Why do you 'have to' apologise? Maybe the time has come for a showdown?

i I don't want to win, just have happy times as a family. Then everyone wins, surely?

How realistic is this?

It would be lovely, if it happens, but in realistic terms you have a set of circumstances that need to be resolved right now. At this point, given that you've tried stuff, I'd suggest you need to stop thinking about you and your partner, and start thinking solely of your children. What do you need to do to make their lives stable and comfortable.

This means having a conversation with your wife, whether she scares you or not, during which you calmly tell her that you cannot live with the stress, and it's not good for the children. You need to outline what you're prepared to try; counselling for you both, support her through what she needs, living apart, but something needs to happen.

Hope u spoke to your wife and she agreed to co-operate. I hope family&friends will support u

Depression is not an excuse to treat someone like dirt.

Your wife has absolutely no respect for you because I can guarantee she is not like that with her friends, her mother, etc.

The reason she doesn't respect you is because you are acting very very submissive. It's not attractive and it TENDS to make women lose respect for you.
Do not be scared of your wife.

When she yells at you tell her you are not listening until she's ready to speak is a calm manner. You should share chores equally and never do things to 'keep the peace' because that's enabling her.
Do NOT apologise when she yells because it reinforces to her yelling works.
Importantly tell her she needs to see the GP and you will be there for her.

It just gets worse, but for everyone trying to help.

Returned home after a 12 hour day. MIL has helped all day and is staying the night. I've got back after baths and beds.

Went to bed and was just at the point of sleep when OH requests a back massage. Although I'm exhausted I give it my best shot, only for her to suddenly flair up and accuse me of not giving a toss about her back and doing a bad job. (I really was trying my best).

She then starts muttering in an angry way about how I don't care, and I tried to call her bluff by highlighting the fact that that she's sounding like a spoilt teenager - she really was.

She says she doesn't want me to touch her, and keeps coercing me to the point where I'm on the edge. If it's going to end her sulking I'll put up - it's midnight after all.

Then at half one in the morning I've woken to the baby crying and realise OH has stormed off downstairs - her pillow is missing.

I've settled baby although she is hungry, and ultimately I have the wrong equipment. Took DC2 downstairs and calmly given baby to OH to BF.

When I ask why she's on the sofa she says in an angry way that she cannot be in the same bed as me, as I am so lazy and don't care for her being in pain.

What pain? My back is in pain - cue long talk with me keeping my voice low, slow and calm while she rants? hisses, wildly and violently gesticulates and accuses me of pushing her to her limit and beyond.

She asks when did I even ask how she was? Well, when I came in this evening, and you said you were good. Apparently she is tired of having to tell me everything is fine when it isn't. (What?)

I'm accused of being heartless and abandoning my family.

(I've been doing 10 - 5.30 days for the last month - before then and a month before the birth I was looking after DC1, mum and house. Today was the only day I've done a 12 hour shift).

I point out we have severe money situation and that I need to work, having taken so much time (over 5 months) off. She then hisses, "Well, you can't be bothered to give my back a massage, now you'll have to pay for an osteopath!"

I tell her that we should try and talk calmly. She then accuses me of shouting.

Such fun ;-(

Coercing is typo - should be pushing. She insisted I go further and further away from her as she used her elbow to define her space /territory on the bed. I was on the edge, back out of duvet and freezing, but if it was going to make her calm down I thought it would be the best course.

Oh, blimey :( Look, get some sleep because you're going to need it. Try not to take everything she says seriously - you seem to be doing a pretty good job with the calm detachment, but you're still trying to please/pacify her and it isn't going to work. Protect your own mental health by taking a large step back, emotionally. Things like the back massage - I imagine you hoped it would at least quiet her, but she isn't a baby. She's an adult who currently has it in for you, regardless. She's a bully. Practise just saying No, or Not right now, or That doesn't work for me, sorry.

Can you get MIL on her own tomorrow? When you tell her about what's happened, is there a chance she'll frogmarch (or whatever) her daughter to the doctor's?

By the way, I know that edge of the bed thing. Miserable, isn't it? I eventually figured out it was better to sleep on the sofa than give in to a battle of nudges!

Actually, have you suggested she co-sleep? If you have a spare bed or an okay sofa, maybe you could sleep there and let her keep the baby in bed. I don't think this will fix her, but it could lead to fewer broken nights for you all.

I cant tell whether this is PND, or emotional abuse. Im wondering if you suggest counselling, or getting help..will she refuse? If she refuses and continues what she's doing, thats another story..but I hope you can sit down and talk. Is there anyone who can help with DCs even for a couple of hours, so you can have a 1-1 talk? I hope things improve for your family, it sounds an awfully stressful situation.

This all sounds just horrible. Talk to your mil- she knows her well, after all, and see what her take on it all is.

You cannot go on like this.

I talked to MIL her take is that OH is the problem. Depression runs in the family and that OH needs medication.

At least OH is on side, although she's not that big a force to be reckoned with.

It's good to know those around me agree, but the vicious argument in the small hours wasn't ideal.