Tantrums and petty behaviour

[incapablemale]

Hello,

First post, so please let me know gently if I am in the wrong bit. Not sure really if this should be in AIBU, but thought it fitted better here. Apologies its so long.

I find myself in a marriage that is not fun or happy. While I have read a fair bit on various threads about many husbands being useless and totally oblivious to any household tasks, I like to think and hope I'm not in that league.

OH recently gave birth to second child (DD) and had many complications. For over a month before the birth I took significant time off work and cared for DC1, OH and the house. Although cleaning is something that I'm not that hot on, for the last 6 months now, I have washed up everything every day, making sure the kitchen is clean for the next day, and everything ready to use. I've cooked ALL the meals, I've done as much washing as I can, and have taken as much care of DC1 as I possibly can, caring for him throughout the night, and when I can taking DC2 to give my OH sleep.

However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. Things that annoy her are blown out of all proportion. I am aware that the sun does not shine from my posterior, but stupid little things that we could grin and have a laugh about are always turned into a matter of her getting more and more stressed, shouty and unpleasant.

Any time she is annoyed (almost all the time it seems) she withholds physical affection, talks to me in a cold or very hostile and sometimes threatening way, and uses the children (the threat of taking them away) for emotional blackmail.

To an extent, if I really am as annoying as she seems to think I am then I deserve some of this behaviour, however, what really worries me is that DC1 is like a sponge and is picking up this behaviour, and how to treat and talk to me.

What on earth can I do to make her see that we don't need the stress and also talk/bring down situations that otherwise seem to flare up from nothing to massive arguments?

OP: the reason I suggested calling the police is that you were assaulted with a child in your arms.

It's that simple.

What if you had fallen with the baby under you? Or a punch had missed?

Some info about Anger/Rage being a symptom of PND

pregnancy-and-childbirth.yoexpert.com/birthing-and-beyond/is-postpartum-anger-or-rage-normal-20537.html

Not at all kotinka.

I recall being at home on my own with a toddler and baby. It's really demanding and sometimes depressing. The crying, noise, TV, whining from the kids.... It can really get you down.

I kinda understand how it must feel for your OH. She's probably really tired and missing her old self.

Could you arrange for a nanny to help with the children? Even just a morning or afternoon could really help. Do you have a cleaner? Just some temporary measures might make a difference.

I would seriously book a professional massage for OH and get her back look into. Back pain can be a killer.

Also, I think there are deeper issues here. The reaction to your family is alarming. What's her relationship like with your folks?

This all sounds awful op

This is terrible, and dangerous. Assaulting you in the middle of the road? Please call the police and report it. You can ask for the DV unit too, and have a chat with them. You must protect your children from this abuse, as well as yourself.

Please take this seriously. Call the DV Unit. If you don't take action, you could find SS scrutinising your family, and in danger of your children being taken away. They don't do that easily or happily, but you MUST protect them.

Can I ask, how long have you been in this country? Are you registered with GPs and health visitors and so on? I presume your second child was born here, but what about the first? Sorry if you've already told us and I've missed it.

Your DP's behaviour is very alarming. There may or may not be a medical cause (although it sounds so extreme and unjustified that it surely must be something she can't control?) but it is nonetheless untenable and you must act, if she won't.

I feel very sorry for you in your impossibly difficult situation.

OP stop. Stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person. Talking alone can not turn this around, It's time for action. I do not know why your wife behaves the way she does, all I know is, it is UNACCEPTABLE! Right now you need to prioritise your children and your sanity.

1. Get legal advice, contact Reunite a.s.a.p and put measures in place so that she doesn't abduct your children.

1. Contact the other organisations that posters have kindly mentioned to access emotional and practical support.

1. Tell people, friends, relatives, HV so that you have support. Access work based counselling if available.

I have been in an unhealthy relationship (nothing compared to the sustained emotional torture of yours) and it was scary the rate at which the abuse escalated into a near death experience. This situation can not continue, if your wife refuses to seek help, you must protect your children.

Depression is not an excuse.

And I don't think you'll ever be able to appease her, so stop trying. I think you may have to toughen up.

I think you need to get this noted with various authorities, if the police get called one day its not unheard of for them to assume the woman is the victim. I've heard of men who've been defending themselves ending up as the ones arrested. You need to protect yourself, particularly if she makes a false accusation.

I worry a lot about that JustThisOnce…

Yesterday I let her sister and mother know that she was in a crises. I've just received the following text:

"Keep my family out of our problems. They are anought wory alredy. ...oh and I was forgetting: don't be botter to come home tonight. I really don't need you to put more oil on the fire."

Wow, what a joyful day :-(

I've FINALLY managed to get through to the Doctor, who has said he will see us (if she agrees) today. But, HOW to get her to agree. When we have argued, its always about how I am fragile, stupid, annoying, insensitive…

Ho hum.

You don't need to get her there. Go yourself and tell the gp everything. Make a note of all the things you have said on here, what's happened and so on, and tell the gp. Please.

Do you think this is a postnatal thing or do you think that actually she was like this already?

My brother is in an abusive relationship. Its horrible. I really feel for you.

You really need to report the abuse in the road.
You basically have witnesses.
And don't forget to start recording her rantings.
And don't engage with her when she starts shouting.
If you can without upsetting her futher, calmly walk away.
If you have to stay, just listen and then walk calmly away.
This is horrible and you do NOT have to put up with it.
So stop putting up with it!
Good luck and I really hope you get her to the doctors.

You need to report her assault on you and get a lawyer ASAP.
She hit you in front of the children. Game over

Op - Are you able to take her out for a talk? There is no point trying to reason with an unreasonable person but I'm not seeing much here about what's really going.

She says things like 'The only good thing about this house is that it is free'
but WHY did she say that? Is it because she is feeling very unsettled? Is shre REALLY not happy being in your location and wants to be home near her family and friends? If so, might it be worth talking through a plan to go home?

She phoned you at work wanting you to come home straight away. Is this because she needs extra help at home? She isn't coping well with the two dcs?

She also said she doesn't trust your parents either.

Everything you've said so far, doesn't necessarily mean she's a completely crazy person. I'm 100% certain I've done all the above and said the same to my hubby. Yet we are still together and on a much happier firmer footing.

The key is to really talk and work on a strategy IF she still wants to be with you. Have you asked??

3hours alone with my 2 dcs can really drive me crazy and I consider myself a really independent, strong person.

I think we should take a step back and try to find the core of why your wife is like this because I've not read anything that helps answer that.

Don't let her force you out of staying with your dc overnights otherwise that could fuel accusations that you've abandoned them. Also what to you think her behaviour is like around the dc when you're not there - it could be unpleasant towards them once she no longer is fuelling her anger at you.

its always about how I am fragile, stupid, annoying, insensitive…

and I think that you take that message on board and try to do the opposite of whatever is making her perceive you as 'fragile'; 'stupid'; 'annoying' or 'insensitive'.

And just as you do something to avoid being labelled 'fragile', your behaviour is then slotted into the next category.

Then you do something to avoid that category and your behaviour is moved into another category.

All the categories, which she defines and allocates, are unattractive qualities in a person.

That must be an awful way for you to live. I imagine it is exhausting. I expect you are nothing like the bundle of awfulness that you are being led to believe is you.

Not that this is a game, but you cannot win if the rules are made up (by the other 'player' so to speak) as you go along, and the first you know that you've red-carded yourself is when the new interpretation of your behaviour is imparted.

It appears now that 'don't come home' is the only behaviour that is going to please her (your normal default position), and when you do exactly that you will be labelled 'selfish' for doing it.

The only thing that can change now is your attitude to the situation - when do you decide enough is enough? What is YOUR way forward? You've contorted your behaviour every which way with no success.

If it were me, I'm afraid I'd offer just two choices: "Talk to a doctor or a solicitor. I'm done with doing it your way."

And when she says "don't bother coming home tonight," you're quite within your rights to say "I'm afraid that's not up to you. I will be coming home, to see my children."

Good luck at the doctor's.

I'd offer just two choices: "Talk to a doctor or a solicitor. I'm done with doing it your way."

I agree it's come to that. The incident you described is frightening, and this IS going to escalate unless you stop it. She is not allowing the option of conciliation, so stop trying.

I suggest you tell her YOU have an appointment with the doctor, and say you think she should come too. When she refuses, go by yourself and tell all.

I really hope you're having a quieter evening tonight - but, if it all kicks off again, CALL 999. It's hard to accept you need outside help in a domestic situation, but you do! More to the point, so does your partner. I feel very sympathetic towards her, but my immediate concern is for your safety and your children's.

PLEASE ring one of the advice lines given here, too. Talking to someone with specialist experience can take a huge weight off your mind.

Good luck.

But before it gets to the stage of a 999 call, call 101, the police non-emergency number. You want to deal with the DV experts at your local police station, not the 999 respondents who might not be so clued up.

Call 101 and ask to talk to their DV unit. If/when things get totally unmanageable, it'll look much better for you if you've done this first.

And I hope you managed to talk to the GP, too.

cookie just because you are sbudivr to your DZh doesn't mean you should encourage others to stay.

3hours alone with my 2 dcs can really drive me CRAZY

I bet your DH tip toes around you so that you don't get 'crazy'

OP you are in an abusive relationship.
There is NOTHING you can do to help her.
It's not in your power her.